I guess you could call me a reluctantly, possible WAW. We've been married 30 years, next month; together 33.5 years, since I was 15. We have 3 adult children, 2 biological girls (27, 26) and a son that he raised since he was 7, now 30. We also have 1 grandson (7), who has lived with us since he was born (his mom too).
There is so much going on in my head lately, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I've spent 30 years building the life that I have, and I don't want it to end, but I'm becoming more and more indifferent toward my husband, which breaks my heart.
We almost split about 14 years ago, but when given the ultimatum..."this is who I am, accept it, or let go," I chose to stay. I did the whole work on myself, get a life, blah, blah, blah. Things improved, but there was always still an emptiness lurking in the background.
Around 12 years ago, I started getting sick with a sneaky, rare illness, which became noticeable little by little. Then it came on like a freight train in 2007. It still took 2 years to figure out what was wrong with me, which culminated with brain surgery in Dec 2009. By that time, I was very close to death. I am still recovering, and my illness has basically made me unable to work, which of course, adds more stress to our lives.
My husband has been a part of my life since I was a young girl...we grew up together. We decided early on that we would have our kids young, I would stay home with them, then I would go to school & finally go to work and help build our retirement. Well...I was in school (I'm 2/3 finished with my degree) when I started getting sick and had to drop out because I could no longer keep up with the work. All of our plans have changed. I let him down...I didn't fulfill my end of the deal. Also, because of our previous decision that I be a sahm, I have no SSI to fall back on.
Although, he would never leave me, he exhibits a great deal of resentment and anger. The other day he spewed mean words about me living in "his" house for free. It is all falling apart. He is drinking all the time. He never comes to me for sex, he will oblige me if I want it, but I've stopped trying, because I don't want obligatory sex. We actually went 5 years without because I did the "180." I stopped asking for, displaying need for, and trying for sex. I let him off the hook, and he ran with it. For the last two years, sex takes place about every 3 months or so, because I just can't stand it anymore. He is diabetic, and of course I know that drinking, diabetes, and life stress affects libido, but he still talks about sex like it is a possibility...he just never follows through. He says it isn't anything earth shattering, he just gets too tired (drunk) and "forgets" about it (passes out). He says he is a "morning" guy, to which I've responded, "then come to me then." He doesn't.
There is so much more to our story, as I'm sure you can imagine, but I'm not writing a memoir here...lol. It's just come to a point where I'm seeing a possible ending. If we clean up the house enough...we could sell and pay off ALL of our debt. At that point, I could leave. He wouldn't be "stuck" with me anymore, and I would be able to possibly build a life that might include a man who wants me. Also, because I know the man he is, I feel as if I wouldn't be missed at all. He tells me often that he doesn't need me. That the things that I do for him, he could do for himself. It makes me unbelievably sad to know that the life I worked so hard to have, a much more stable one than I grew up with, could end so easily, and all the years of us being together won't be anymore, and that I won't be missed.
Anyway, that is a quicky story of my marriage. I don't know what to do. I'm pissed that I've been put in the position that I have to make a decision. I pissed that I've been put in the position that I have to have the, "you are an alcoholic" conversation with him (which I've been avoiding). I'm pissed that I mean so little.
M - 48, H - 50 M - 30, T - 33.5 D - 27, D - 26 S - 30
