Hoping for positive changes

[artsy]

Struggling with negative thoughts today- nowhere even near where I was as BD 1 last August or BD 2 in December, but I have been cycling in and out of sadness. I think I finally "get" that he's truly gone. I'm hoping this is Acceptance so I can continue my healing.

I have packed away all of his things. There are no pictures left. I think the only thing holding me back is the down time- my GAL is rockin, but there's inevitable times when I'm alone with my thoughts.

On a positive: I've lost weight, gotten in good shape, my hair is finally growing out and I've got a great tan from taking D12 to the pool. Someone is gonna get a hot momma down the road!!!

[Georgiabelle]

Artsy ,

It sounds like the summer is starting off well for you. You sound great and I bet you look haute:-)

[artsy]

Ok: any and all opinions and advice welcome.

I need to make a financial decision. Here's the crux:

H said he will not be coming back (said he is afraid the changes he sees are only temporary, he loves me but he's too afraid to take a leap of faith, blah blah blah). At least he noticed the changes, huh?

He expressed concerns over money. He convinced me it was ok to change careers right before he left. I quit my job, am now a full-time student and then he walked out with the promise the money would not be an issue. Well, now it is. He had worked out a budget (without consulting me), and grossly underestimated how much money I need to live off of within reason.

I am selling my car ($275/month) and he is giving me his work truck. So, free car! But, still need money to support the house,etc.

I kicked around the idea of selling my house- not going to be practical right now. I would end up paying at closing.

H suggested I file for separation so I can get public assistance. Here's where I need advice!!! I don't want to file. Everything in my soul is screaming not to file. For moral, personal and practical reasons:
1. He wants out, he should do the work.
2. Sorry that this is costing him more money than he thought- he should be obligated to support me until I graduate (this time next year). I WOULD HAVE NEVER QUIT MY JOB IF I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN! Yes, it was a joint decision, but he had a vital piece of information that he did not share before "we" made the choice.
3. Will this affect my future alimony, if it goes to D? I have struggled with the alimony thing a bit. I almost feel guilty going for it, but there are reasons why I feel it is appropriate in this case. So, if I'm going for it, I want the most I can get in the long run.
4. I don't want to be the "plaintiff". This is not what I wanted.

I'm going to make an appointment with a couple attorneys next week to figure out the business side of it. How about some opinions from you guys???

***also: he was over today to fix the dishwasher. I was not home (running a 5k). He was here when I got back. I kept very neutral/business like. He basically forced a long hug. And then stood there and tried to tell me all about how stressed he is at work. What do I do about that? I told him 3 times I'm not going to be his friend. (But, he did come over to fix the dishwasher).

This was a long one for me! Any comments are appreciated!!!

[KGirl]

When my H kept talking to me about his issues, what was going on in his head, etc., labug reminded me that all of the sharing was about him getting his needs met and had nothing to do with my needs, and to gently remind him that he can discuss these things with his IC, that's why he has one. If your H is still seeing an IC (I think you said in the past he was, maybe?) that may be a way to handle it. But I don't think you need to force yourself to sit and listen every time he wants to unload just because there's so much talk about validation and listening on here!

Re: the separation stuff, it's hard to say much without knowing about the legalities where you live. If he's the one to file can you still receive public assistance? Ultimately, if you have to do something you didn't want to do to ensure you and your D are protected financially, it may help to acknowledge that while you didn't want this and don't agree with it, you are accepting it, and accepting it may mean you'll have to initiate certain things in order to handle the situation. I was given similar advice by many when I was thinking of moving - I didn't want to be the to have to make the effort and initiate the physical S but it became part of accepting the situation and what H was telling me at the time (that he was 99% sure that D would be the end result of all this.)

[artsy]

Thank you, KGirl!

To touch on some things- H does not have an IC (that would be admitting weakness). Strangely, he will willingly admit he is "f'd up", but doesn't feel there's anything to do about it (pity party).

Also, I was definitely NOT validating when he was unloading his work issues on me. In fact, I changed the subject. I have told him several times he doesn't get to be my buddy. Doesn't change the fact that it's frustrating. A switch has flipped in me- I truly don't care if he's stressed at work. He has the resources to make every area of his life less stressful, but he needs to put his ego and stubbornness away to be able to do it. It's not my problem any more- which is what he wanted. I'm venting now-

I will not be rude to him, but I'm not going to be his safety net any more. I need to shift in to business mode.

And as for the rest- I have no idea! Lol I'm in Ohio. From the research I've done I am definitely entitled to alimony and I would be eligible to get public assistance. My main concern is timing- I won't be able to get a job until I take my boards next August. It's all so confusing!

[artsy]

I pray for signs frequently. I have been going to a new church, and each time I go it's like the message is directly related to my sitch (all of our sitch's).

Today's message: sometimes He has to break you to remake you. And stop judging the vehicle that brought the change. (Rahab The Prostitute)

God uses all kinds of tools to get through to us.

Amen!

[Georgiabelle]

Artsy,

No need to play IC for your h. As you said, you don't have to be rude, however your h has made done decisions and he's gotta deal with them.

I know nothing about alimony or anything of the sort. I understand not wanting to be plaintiff, however as you know you need to protect yourself. I know you've been working hard in school:-)

You have another sign seeker here. The messages do pop up in strange ways don't they? Hang in there!

[Ggrass]

I would suggest he's stalling. He doesn't want to loose things in a settlement and is using the emotional card of I love you but I can't make a leap of faith.

If he was in love he's already married so its not like there's a commitment issue, he can always continue to d later.

Can you do a property settlement, before a d in your state?
We can in Australia. They are separate issues. I am doing property atm, h also gave me the line I'm coming back right after, he told me he spent the whole weekend at the ow place. Mmmm like I believe you!

[artsy]

Thanks, ladies. I always appreciate people stopping by my thread!

Ggrass- we have no common property. I lived here before we were married and he still has his house he had before we were married-he rents it out. Both mortgages are in separate names. No car loans or anything. We have no joint accounts, so actually the splitting of things should be a non-issue.

The only thing at play here is alimony. I hate this!

I think his comments and actions are confusing because he IS confused. It's ridiculous and I'm tired of it!

How do you get past the humiliation? I haven't told but a very small handful of people about my sitch- if I file, it goes public record. I'm just so embarrassed. NOBODY would have seen this coming from him. It truly is a shocking story to those that know him.

[Ggrass]

So long as your not at finically at risk, if he runs up bills or sells things.