Wanted to post an update to any lurkers who have kept up with me and for those of you wonderful people who do respond!

Since my last post I have stayed away from any talk about the OW. Still do not truly know whether she is in the picture or not. The suspicious part of me says "who knows?". The optimist in me says that he isn't.

We are still going forward in putting the house up for sale the end of this month, beginning of April. It all depends how far I can get to get this place cleaned up and cleared out. I'm trying to pack away as much of the clutter as possible to make it look bigger than it is.

H seems to be in absolute agreement about doing this. Still not quite sure about what he is going to do about moving back in with us. Although a couple of weeks ago, S11 asked him about whether he was going to move with us to the new house and H told him yes! I was floored! Of course the kids were thrilled! Now S8 asks him all the time when he's coming back. Of course H has back tracked a bit saying he's not sure when.

We had a pretty good conversation last night while he was here about what's going on in his head. He's afraid, doesn't want it to go back to what it was, but also admitted that he sees alot of changes in me and seems to know I won't let it go back to what it was. At least I'm going to work really hard at it.

I asked him if there was something he was waiting for before he could come and stay. He said no. He also seems to understand my fear and my mistrust. But we seem to be getting along better and better. We also talked about the expectations of one another and I told him that I hoped he didn't think that things were going to be "on" all the time. That life does get mundane at times, and that I'm not going to entertain him at all times. He seemed to understand this too.

We have also had a couple of sleepovers . Wow, it is like falling off a bike, you do remember how!!

So, things are good so far and seem to be getting better. I'm getting excited about moving to a bigger house. And getting this semester over. I'm so sick of math I could just scream! After this semester I only have one year left to get my Assoicate degree!! yeah for me! Then its on to try for my Bachelors.

It's great to have my own life and know that I do not have to live it thru my H. It's nice to know that I can take care of myself and know that no matter what, I will survive with or without my H (or any man for that matter).

Sad news came last week. My ex-fil died last Tues. morning. He's been sick since last fall, just after they moved back up from FL. He had bypass surgery, had to begin dialysis (which was going to be lifelong) and several other things going on. His body just didn't want to heal well. Then they took him in with low blood sugar (it was at 7, and was still concious) but then a couple days later went into cardiac arrest. The drs. brought him back, but with much brain damage. They gave him only 5% chance of recovery. So, the family decided to let him go. And with typical character for him, he went 12 hours later, on his own time and his own terms. He was only 58.

We had had our differences but we still cared about one another even after his son and I divorced. I went, along with my Mom to see my Ex, his wife and his Mom (who is also living with them). Offered my support and any help they needed. Also went to the memorial service on Thur to say my goodbyes.

My H couldn't seem to understand why I wanted to do these things. I told him I just needed to do it. That I didn't expect him to understand, but to at least support my decision. And felt I did the right things. If my H doesn't like it, to bad. They were a big part of my life for a long time, and it's taken a long time to heal the hurt I caused when I left. I was even able to apologise to my ex-sil for hurting her when I left. I never spoke to her after I left and needed to say it. Even if it never changes anything, at least I feel better.

Anyway, my S11 is going to miss his Grandpa, but we've continued to talk about his death and our thoughts of where he is now, etc. It seems to help him to work thru this and deal with it. He's done well. I'm very proud of him.

Well, if you've made it this far, thanks for reading! I guess if I updated a bit more often I wouldn't have such long posts!

Anyway, I continue to move forward in my life and look forward to what it will bring me next...

Any and all suggestions, comments, etc are always welcome!

JL

Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...