I've been following these boards and "studying" MLC as best I can for the past month and a half and the time has come to share my story. So here goes...
BD was April 21st with my H sitting me down and telling me "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and wanting a divorce. I sat there in shock and utter disbelief not being able to see straight, think or speak. Until that point, we had been together for 13 years, married for 6 and have 2 beautiful babies (now 1 year old and 3 year old). I will not say we had a perfect marriage, but he was my best friend and I always thought we'd be together for life. The past year had been especially stressful for us with the addition of our S1. We both have demanding careers and with the stress of work and then having 2 babies, we had no time for us. I especially felt stressed since my son, up until a year old, was a horrible sleeper. Right until around BD (ironically) I went for almost a year straight with never more than 4 to 5 hours a night of sleep. Between work and handling ALL household responsibilities, on top of raising my 2 kids... I definitely felt the pressure. But to me I viewed this as the hardest year of our life and that we were in this together. Well I realize now I was wrong.
Since Dec 2013/Jan 2014 my H started to change. He grew more distant and snappy, wanting to spend less and less time with me or the kids. He kept wanting to go out (so unlike him) and would stay up drinking in his "man cave". He would be at home with us but his mind would be spaced out.. his thoughts somewhere else. At first I got annoyed at him and picked at his behavior. Then as he grew more distant and the changes were more apparent (complaining that he hated our neighborhood, was annoyed with the family business, wanted to branch out, wanted a nose job), I tried supporting him. He told me he wanted to go out and network and try his own thing careerwise and I said he should.. I told him if he wanted to sell the house we built because he was unhappy we should, supported his nose job if it really bothered him so much, telling him that life is too short and if he's unhappy we can fix things but that he really should appreciate all the good he had. Little did I know that something bigger was brewing inside.
So when BD happened and he told me how unloved and neglected he felt, I apologized whole heartedly and said I truely didn't realize (which I didn't). I explained how I felt that I was barely above water everyday, how I thought we were in this together with the stress of the kids and all. I said that I had no idea he felt this way and these are things we can work on. He said no, that I don't get it, that he's done, he's dead inside, he has nothing left for me, I killed his love for me. That I'm nasty and snappy and negative and that I will always be that way (he said I'll only get worse with age). That we didn't have enough sex (and at that point he's right we barely were).. that people don't change, that they shouldn't have to, that our relationship has just run it's course. He was done and there was absolutely nothing I can do. The next afternoon I found out about the OW.
She was someone that worked for them seperate from their offices. They had connected in Dec. and their relationship grew. I saw that they were talking on the phone for 1/2 hour everyday when by that point I wasn't allowed to even call him at work (he would snap and say I was bothering him). Of course he denied everything. He said she was just a friend meanwhile he deleted every text and call history from her. I think at that point it was just an EA but it could have already been a PA (not sure). The day after I confronted him he told me to forget about OW and stop asking questions because he wanted to work on our marriage after all. That he loved me and wanted to make it work. As the week went on he began to be more distant and by the end of that week he was back to being with her (without admitting it of course), telling me he was done and couldn't do this. He wanted a divorce. His family then put pressure on him to give our relationship a chance. That's when he really lost it. He tried for a week but then snapped. He told us all to stop controlling him, that he was not a kid and will do whatever he wants. He forbid me to communicate with them and and them with me (so that we couldn't figure out where he was and what he was up to). Until that point his brothers were trying to talk sense into him, to keep him busy, so that he wouldn't make a rash decision. After that blow up they all backed off. He is now obsessed with monitoring me. He watches my cell phone bill to see who I talk and text with. He checks the home computer and reads my emails and tries checking my cell phone. He looks through my car and work bag.. not sure what he's looking for. He's ultra paranoid.. thinks everyone is out to get him.
Since BD I have been a true single parent. He goes out every night, comes home around 1am and then drinks in the basement and comes to bed around 3 or 4am. He got his nose job. The past almost 2 months I've looked the other way and given him all the space I possibly can. I pretend not to see anything or know anything, and just go about my life with the kids. We have had a handful of conversations in the middle of the night where I've told him I don't hate him and I'm not angry.. that I care about him and I am giving him space so that he can figure things out. In the beginning after BD he would randomly initiate sex but then would stop, like he was torn. He'd cry and tell me he loved me and that he would always be there for me and take care of me but that he had to divorce me. I was hoping that those were all empty threats, his MLC monster talking, but this week I received a letter from his lawyer.
I feel like a ton of bricks has landed on my head. He is full on in his affair now.. her makeup is on his clothes, her hair is in my laundry.. althgouh he still won't admit it, he at least stopped denying it. I know you're not supposed to talk about the affair but after I received that letter from his lawyer it all came out. He was looking through my work bag the other night and I caught him. I asked him calmly to please stop checking on my and stalking everything I do and a long back and forth ensued. I finally said that I know what he's been up to, that he's having the affair, that I've seen the makeup and hair and that he needs to stop lying and own up. He didn't say much to that. He again re-iterated how he's just done with us, that he wasn't loved and he needed so much more from me. I told him that I'm aware of that now, that he's opened my eyes to it all and that we should give it a chance. He just says no, it won't work. It'll be good for a bit and then it'll be back to the same stuff. That he needs to rebuild his life now and that he's "already 36" so he's got to do that now. How I will probably find someone better than him anyway and I will be happy.. but that we will not work.
So now in all of this I just wonder, is he right? Was our relationship that bad? Is this MLC or am I just dillusional? How do I go on now that he started divorce proceedings? Is there hope or should I just shut the door? I just don't know anymore. I know I have to detach and GAL but I just wonder how detached I need to be. I wonder if maybe he's just a WAH and not in MLC.
If you've gotten this far I thank you for reading.
M: 35, H: 36, S1, D3 M: 6 yrs BD: 4/21/14 OW revealed: 4/22/14 D initiated: 6/13/14 still lives at home
Me: 35, H: 36, M: 6, S: 1, D: 3, BD: 4/21/14 H still living at home
