Old dog seeks new trick

[Old Dog]

Don't your kids deserve that you are the best dad you can be?

Absolutely. I will do my very best for them. If / when they find out, they will be very upset.

[Old Dog]

In the past 3 weeks however I have discovered a lot more about relationships and personalities and judging from what she says and what I have found, I believe I have a dependent personality. I can readily identify with some of these traits and feel I know know exactly when and where they started. This was when my parents moved the family to a place I absolutely loathed and I was left 'alone' to get on with it. I obviously learnt these 'skills' which enabled me to survive, but which affected my ability to have a close relationship with people.

What are your plans for addressing this?

I have started going to counselling again.

I also have two very supportive flat mates when I'm away from home who are very willing to talk.

So knowledge, understanding and willingness to look at yourself is the first step.

My difficulty is that sometimes I feel it's just talk. Obviously it helps a great deal but I want practical steps. This is why DB has interested me, but I also know it won't be like mending a [insert manly item here].

I do feel overwhelmed by it all though and wonder if I can do it. I know I have to do it. For myself. And if I am reading these forums correctly, if I am lucky, my wife will see it may be worth having another shot at it. But that would be a bonus.

I have to say it that frightens me as I don't feel so strong right now.

[Ben2010]

Dont try to do all of this at once. Take it one step at a time. Set a goal for yourself every morning that are some simple things you can accomplish. It will be like a mental or I guess even physical checklist. Prioiritize the things that are the most important and do those first. If you make it to some and not to others then you add the others on to tomorrow's checklist. Trust me, I tried to take on everything at once and it doesnt work. You get overwhelmed and dont give it your all. You also have to actually want to do these things for you. So now that you have the knowledge, understanding and willingness to look at yourself, what are some of the things that you want to change for you? By the time you are done with this your wife will be the lucky one to have you.

[Old Dog]

Thanks for your input folks. It helps to know people have been there and bought the t-shirt.

I'm going to have to think about this. There are some, but not all, traits in a dependent personality and passive aggressiveness that I recognise. Basically I think it's all about taking control of your own life, but I'll have to report back later as it's late now and I need to try and get some sleep.

[Old Dog]

Ay caramba! Google just served me an ad for DB even though I'm on private browsing.

[Old Dog]

Im still trying to set simple goals as you suggested Ben2010. There are so many ways I can improve my lot, it can be as you say overwhelming. I have written down notes for mysef though. I'll see if I can marshall them into some sort of plan.

I'm back home now for a long weekend. W is away for the night at a work function and I'm looking after the kids trying to be chipper and not doing too bad at the moment I reckon, but my heart ... man it aches.

W is away for another day and night on Saturday visiting friends so I will take the kids out to do something fun. There that is a goal. Yes :-)

And tomorrow I will busy myself with household chores that need doing. The place is always messy with stuff lying around because W is always tired. Another goal. Practical ones I grant you rather than head fixing ones.

Oh and I started reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. There have been a few enlightening moments.

[Ben2010]

W is away for another day and night on Saturday visiting friends so I will take the kids out to do something fun. There that is a goal. Yes :-)

Yeah that is a good idea. Try to keep PMA and Im sure the kids would enjoy that

And tomorrow I will busy myself with household chores that need doing. The place is always messy with stuff lying around because W is always tired. Another goal. Practical ones I grant you rather than head fixing ones.

While you are doing your chores try to think about some of the complaints your wife always had. See if there are some 180s that you can do to correct these. For me it would be shopping. I never liked shopping with her and wouldnt go. The other day I went out and bought myself some new clothes. She was not happy when she found out, even told me it pissed her off, but she will see that people can change.

Probably the most important thing for you right now is to give your wife some space and GAL. You started here very early like I did after the situation so you cant have made too many mistakes before coming here other than our initial reactions(crying, begging, pleading). That is normal though at first.

Make sure you get the DB/DR books. I also recommend The 5 Love Languages.

[Old Dog]

If I keep chanting PMA PMA, do you think that'll help :-)

Re chores and W complaints: lovin' that idea Ben. I don't think she likes tidying judging by the state of the house :-) That's 2 of those I've done now.

Actually I just remembered, when I first took this job miles away, she noticed that the house became progressively untidy and she remarked that it must have been me who was the tidier of the two us. Who knew? Maybe I should qualify that I'm not and never have been annoyed about the this.

Just done a wash of the kids white shirts and other whites. Maybe a spot of ironing in the morning. I should also say this isn't unusual either. I do some wshing every weekend. Hate ironing though.

You know, when I was younger, I used to say, for a laugh, 'never do today what you can put off until tomorrow, and maybe you won't have to do it at all'. I didn't know when I made it up that Mark Twain had said something similar. When I found out I felt quite pleased with myself. Now I realise what an idiot I am because athough I haven't said it for years, unlike Mark Twain, I began to practise it instead.

Well I'm fed up with my own procrastination and inability to get on in life. Time to level up.

I've got to think about a great post I read earlier by sandi2 on 'Hurt and confussed (sic). I think I'll do that tomorrow now though as its late again.

And lastly, just orderd the DR book and how to change your life.

[Old Dog]

Oh dear. I felt quite perky last night when I posted the previous update. Now I've had another terrible night. Panicky, crying, mind racing ten to the dozen etc. And for the frst time checked her email and facebook history for signs of anything - not an affair, at least I don't have that to contend with - but something. There was none. I know that's a big no no, but hey ho, the mind is a powerful thing. And yet, they are just thoughts that are passing through your brain.

I did remember something that my unobservant mind picked up on recently. She has bought two pairs of new shoes in the past month. Yeah yeah, she's a woman: women like shoes, I hear you say. But these had heels, not big heels, but definately heels. She's never worn heels before: with me anyway. I'm not a fan of heels, I just don't get it. Oh and we went somewhere as a family last weekend where she put on lipstick. Again, out of the ordinary. Not unknown, but she's usually very minimal with make-up, which I prefer, but what's going on here, the beginings of an independent life?

Got to get a grip now and get the kids ready for school.

And breathe in, breathe out.

[Old Dog]

It's the detach bit I'm not sure about. I'm still waiting for the DB book to arive, I presumed there's something in there. What I'm not clear about (actually that's just about everything right now) is how detached? Do I not talk about it with her? Do I move out? I don't think that's what it means as I've seen other advice saying don't do that. At least I'm still at home at weekends. How do I act? Just getting through the day is an acheivement at the moment.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956


Dont move out!

Getting through the going dark thread bit by bit. It's starting to make sense now I've come across people with a similar personality and position.

I was wondering how I could do that if I'm stil living at home (at the weekends anyway) and if I was already quite dark - not too much passion, drive, being in emotionally - in the first place.

Just be a good dad, be polite, courteous and friendly. Do not ask for anything. Printed off (and hidden) sandi2's 37 rules to firm up the understanding.