Possilble WAW

[oad]

Dawgy...im here for ya...listen to the great advice, Im going on my 6th month of this rollercoaster hell..my W filed on Friday. But read my SITCH, im noticing improvements. Ive followed advice but sometimes my emotions really mess things up..lol Just hang in there and be strong. However I can help I will..

[PeterV2]

Im praying that she doesnt leave and giving the space up is extremly difficult . Especially when it feels like your saying to her that i dont care anymore , go ahead and leave > I dont want her to think that . Im willing to give her all the space she wants as long as she knows that i havent given up .

1. Pray to yourself. Don't tell what you're praying for.
2. Give the space up. Give her space to herself. Take your own space for yourself.
3. You're not saying to her that you don't care anymore. You do care about her, not for her, and you detach your emotions from what she says and does.
4. Tell her calmly that you don't want a divorce and leave it at that. Don't elaborate. Don't repeat it. Like Sandi says, the WAW is not hard of hearing. Repeating that type of message is akin to pressuring. You cannot pressure - that's pursuing and it will drive her away.
Just be happy and not too chatty. Act as if you're getting on with your life, with or without her. But don't tell her you're getting on with your life with or without her. I tried that and it backfired a bit. Maybe it did affect her but the initial response was, oh you want to meet someone new? (I said no, I only have eyes for you - again pursuing - bad.)

Here's a quote from the Tao Te Ching which I find extremely relevant:
If you want to shrink something,
you must first allow it to expand.
If you want to get rid of something,
you must first allow it to flourish.
Let your workings remain a mystery.
Just show people the results.

[dawgy]

I tried reading some of the forums this morning but it seems like all bad news this morning . not a way to start a day already full of anxiety and anger . Didnt sleep well last night , alot of dreaming about her . Everyday is a little tenser for me because of the looming end of the month date when she may leave . im praying that she doesnt as to give me more time to practice th DB techniques . Although they are extremely difficult to do . It seems like the exact opposite of what i want to do . Very hard , to the point where I wonder how long i can keep it up . It only takes one little piece of positive action from her towards me and it gets me through the day . But one piece of negative action drives me into depression .

[pilot]

I completely understand dawgy. Read the OLDER stories. Or go to the forum list and seek out the success stories, or even to reconcilliation/piecing ones. Click on the names and find post, then find their original. If you just read the recent ones here on Newcomers, yea, they will all be bad news. But those are also helpful because they are usually just a few steps ahead of you and their actions are pretty fresh and probably things you are about to do right or wrong.

There is no quick answer nor magic pill to take the pain away. I know you hear it, but it does get a little better over time. Detaching IS the best way to numb the pain, so I would really focus on that. I am S so that helps as well. Best of luck and I will be following you.

[dawgy]

When you say you are S , what does that mean . AI do feel better detaching by times but not always . I would 50% of the time . I found out she is seeing a second man also . She says they are just friends but i dont know , Im wondering if she hasnt moved on with another guy and is leaving the guy I was originally worried about . I dont know its pretty messed up . I believe Im in for quite a few battles if I want to win this war .

[pilot]

S = separated. My W and I were living under the same roof and she was not pushing to change that. She was cake eating in a major way. I could not take the emotional stress of continuing that arrangement but was not going to leave the house and kids on my own. Plus I did not want to throw the kids into the situation all at once, so I was able to convince her that we could spend the summer with our respective parents and the kids could go back and forth. To them it would just be a big vacation while making the transition of mommy and daddy not being together much easier. The result for me was an unforeseen blessing in that out of sight makes detaching much easier. Especially since I am doing great on GAL.

[dawgy]

i find im ok for a few days then im a complete mess for a few days and this has been going on for 3 months , Its very hard on the head . She was giving me sex up to 3 weeks or so ago . now that has stopped . But when she took her ring off last weekend that was worse than anything . I cant get through to her not even a little bit . Nothing seems to matter except her feelings . Giving her space has helped marginally and i notice if im around too much she gets withdrawn and cranky . She seems to be able to handle me in small doses . Even conversation has become difficult

[pilot]

You just said giving her space has worked. Then do more of it. Give her more space. Become even more detached. It is tough yes. But it is the only way you are going to make progress. You say she can handle you in small doses. Give her no doses. See how she learns to handle that. Your only chance at saving your M is for her to realize ON HER OWN that she cannot live without you. The problem is she has come to the conclusion she can right now. And that was probably based on months or years of hurt BECAUSE of you and certain behaviors. So take this time to identify what those behaviors are, and work on doing 180s. Work on correcting everything YOU did wrong, and do not worry about what she is doing wrong. You fix what you did wrong, all you have left is what you do right, and that is the person your W fell in love with and could not live without. She will notice you working on you, even if only a little bit at a time. Use this time wisely as Cadet says, and work on yourself.

[PeterV2]

Pilot is right. If giving her space works do more of it. If you being around too much doesn't work, then don't be around so much. If conversation is difficult, don't talk to her unless she starts it. And then just be civil and short on words. Reread those rules in Sandi's rules list.
And also follow pilot's advice and work on yourself. You cannot change your W. You can only change yourself. When you change yourself and how you interact, then your W will change how she sees you and interacts with you. Let her move out. She's not leaving the planet. She has to come by to see the kids. Those will be your times to interact after learning to apply the DB approach. Don't panic. This will take time. She's obviously in great turmoil running from man to man. What emotional needs are these other guys fulfilling that you did not fulfill? Figure that out and then figure out a way to be able to fulfill those needs. She may not give you many opportunities, but that's the sitch. You must read the book Divorce Remedy!

[GoatGal]

Hi Dawgy,

Sorry you're here.
It's past my bedtime and I'm using my phone to write this so please forgive typos.

I read your sitch and wanted to lend you additional support.

You've been getting good advice; take it to heart.

I can tell your biggest struggle right now is calming down and getting ahold of yourself, your thoughts and emotions.

I was the same way. It's "Freak Out Mode"!

You're not going to be any good until you can slooooooow it down and get centered.

Panic is a horrible feeling and it keeps us from acting in the calm way we need to for DB.


For me, I got an Rx for Valium short term to get some sleep and get over the hump.
I don't think it's for everyone, but I was on a really scary ride I just HAD to get off.

The other things that helped me were doing "guided meditations".
You can find tons of them on YouTube, just find a few you like and do them a few times a day, or whenever you're getting wound up.

Out thoughts CREATE our emotions, so start by replacing the negative "OMG!!!" thoughts with something more positive, like:

I am a strong man, I am resilient, I will get through this... Put your body in a "Superman" stance, and SAY, OUT LOUD.
"I am STRONG AND I WILL BE FINE. I will take care of my children and THEY will be able to count on me."

You all go ahead and laugh! This DOES WORK!

When you catch yourself ruminating over your wife's actions,

Picture a BIG RED STOP SIGN.
STOP those thoughts, take some deep breaths, and replace them with empowering thoughts about YOURSELF and how YOU are going to handle this.

Your wife is going to do whatever she will.

You need to take care of yourself and get a handle on things.

Write out sandi's rules.
Make a written plan (where it's private) about how exactly you are going to implement those rules.

Give yourself a focus for all that frantic emotional energy you've got right now.

You're feeling FEAR, which is normal, but has to be gotten under control because you know what they say about "the scent of fear", right?


It shows you're vulnerable to attack.
And we don't want Dawgy to get eaten by tigers tonight.

He has a lot of DBing to do.

Get your tail out from between your legs and start channeling "Mighty Dog"!!!


---GG