Well, here I sit, watching my boys play Playstation. They have a snow day today. We got back all the snow we lost a week ago. I need to go out and get the snowblower running and clear out the driveway.
Not sure what I've been feeling the last couple of days. Disappointed, maybe. A little hurt too. Not really sure if I can pin it to one emotion. And I'm mad at myself too for feeling these things. All because I've not heard from H since he left Sun. night after our trip.
It almost feels like a slap in the face. My logical brain tells me that he's in retreat mode because of all the togetherness we had over the holiday and our trip. But my emotional brain is really bummed that he retreats like this.
I've been trying to ignore it, pretend it doesn't matter. I know eventually he will call, but it hurts to think that we are not important enough to call. We are not his priority. And may never be. Knowing this and accepting this are 2 separate things that I can't seem to reconcile. You would think after 2 years I could deal with this.
I guess I am dealing with this better than I would have a year ago. But how do I get it to stop hurting me?
I have been trying to stay busy by cleaning up the house, putting all the holiday decorations away, trying to organize parts of the house that need it. Wanting to get it in shape before I go back to school next week.
Being in school helps me to have a focus. Keeps me from dwelling on all the crap going on in my personal life. I guess I just keep moving forward. No matter what. But it still hurts.
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
