This journey has been such a learning experience for me, and yet I know that I still have much more to learn. Dealing with my H is always a ? as to what I should or should not say or do.
Reading other threads that talk about finding the positives has helped me in seeing the positives in my own sitch.
Even tho' we are not spending New Year's Eve together (my own fault, I'll explain in a minute), we are going up north tomorrow and staying overnight to go skiing and sledding with the boys! And it was HIS IDEA and HE SET IT ALL UP! I guess we can call that a positive??
But I am kicking myself for not inviting him over to spend NYE with us. I had asked if he had any plans, he said no not really. I then told him that I had been invited to a party, but not sure if I wanted to go. He told me about this party that he had been invited to, not sure if he watned to go. I guess I was expecting him to say how about we get together. Stupid on my part, I know. So this am I called and left him a message saying I wasn't going to the party maybe he wanted to come over.
I got an e-mail a while ago saying he'd been given an invitation by a co-worker to go to some private party at a new club owned by someone they both know. So, that's what he's doing. Saying he feels like an ass. Not sure why, tho'. It's me who feels like an ass. Why couldn't I just pipe up in the beginning and ask for what I wanted?
Why do I feel like it should be him that does all the asking and calling? Anyway, feeling a little bummed, but going to enjoy myself anyway. S7 and myself rented a few movies and got snacks so we'll have our own party!
Oh yeah another positive. We are all supposed to be going up north next weekend for an ice race that my H wants to try. Hopefully it gets cold again by then. It got in the 50's today and all our snow is gone! S7 said it felt like spring today, and wondered if summer was coming soon!
Anyway, hope everyone has a great New Year! May 2005 bring us the peace and joy we all so much deserve!
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
JL, I'm happy to hear that you will be spending some of the weekend with your H and kids. I hope that you have a wonderful time.
I understand what you mean by expecting your H to ask or call. I guess we want to see some effort on their part. I felt the same way with my H. I wish he had made even a little effort. Your H seems to be trying. It's probably very awkward for him too. That will take a while to get past.
Anyway, have a very Happy New Year. I hope that this one brings you everything that you are hoping for in your marriage.
Thanks DNO for checking in on me. Happy New Year to you too! I spent New Years Eve with S7 and my parents. They came down and we watched movies and a comedian that makes me really laugh. If you have never seen Bill Engvall, rent his stand up act, its a hoot!!
Saturday morning my H showed up and off we went. We were able to get S10 from his dad's to take him with us, so we were all together.
Unfortunately we lost most of our snow, so skiing wasn't as fun as it could have been. We skiied a bit on Sat night, then we went tubing on Sunday afternoon. We had a pretty good time anyway. It was all my H's set up, and it turned out not too bad, except we had to call around to find places that were open and had tubing.
There were a couple of times when I knew he had gotten irritated about something small (can't even remember what exactly they were about! ), but I just ignored it and went about my business. He seemed to be able to move on fairly quickly too.
The sleeping arrangements were as before, we ended up in the same bed, but with S7 falling asleep between us because he wanted to sleep with dad. I moved him to the other bed after he fell asleep. He never said one way or the other what he wanted.
I made a bit of a bold move and started giving him a massage. It progressed, but only he felt better in the end, not me. It was nice to be intimate although it was not actual s@x. It seems ok for me to make the moves on him, but he doesn't reciprocate. That bothers me. Alot.
Nothing was said at all the next morning or since then. I'm not bringing it up (so to speak ) because it will only upset me, and I know I won't get the answers I need.
How do I handle this newest thing? Do I continue very cautiously in making the moves, or do I drop it and wait for him to come to me? Right at the moment, I feel that will never happen.
But of course, when we got home, he said he'd call and check on us and hasn't. What a surprise. He left about 9-9:30 saying he needed to get ready for work today. I'm assuming that means laundry, etc. Who knows.
All in all we had a pretty nice time, but of course no R talk which doesn't surprise me with kids with us at all times. He said he had a great time, and then left. This is almost harder then when he first left and wanted nothing to do with us.
My patience needs to be rejuvenated somehow. Maybe I can find my stash while I get the house back in order after the holidays. That's my plan for this week. Then its back to school next week for me! My kids went back today, thank goodness, they needed it too!
Well, back to the laundry!
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
Well, here I sit, watching my boys play Playstation. They have a snow day today. We got back all the snow we lost a week ago. I need to go out and get the snowblower running and clear out the driveway.
Not sure what I've been feeling the last couple of days. Disappointed, maybe. A little hurt too. Not really sure if I can pin it to one emotion. And I'm mad at myself too for feeling these things. All because I've not heard from H since he left Sun. night after our trip.
It almost feels like a slap in the face. My logical brain tells me that he's in retreat mode because of all the togetherness we had over the holiday and our trip. But my emotional brain is really bummed that he retreats like this.
I've been trying to ignore it, pretend it doesn't matter. I know eventually he will call, but it hurts to think that we are not important enough to call. We are not his priority. And may never be. Knowing this and accepting this are 2 separate things that I can't seem to reconcile. You would think after 2 years I could deal with this.
I guess I am dealing with this better than I would have a year ago. But how do I get it to stop hurting me?
I have been trying to stay busy by cleaning up the house, putting all the holiday decorations away, trying to organize parts of the house that need it. Wanting to get it in shape before I go back to school next week.
Being in school helps me to have a focus. Keeps me from dwelling on all the crap going on in my personal life. I guess I just keep moving forward. No matter what. But it still hurts.
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
Ok, another day off for my kids. Not sure why, the roads might have been slick this am. Its kind of a good thing because my youngest has been sick. I picked him up early yesterday from school. Today he wouldn't have gone anyway. Then just a bit ago, he was sick. Sigh. Life with children is always an adventure!
Life is still just moving right along. I started school yesterday myself. The last math class I have to take for my degree, thank goodness! I'm getting tired of math problems!
Things are improving with my H, slowly of course, but they are improving. He told me that he's really trying to connect with us again. And I agreed. I asked him "did I ever tell you I am an impatient person?" in a joking manner. He laughed and said "did I ever tell you I am a procrastinator?". I started laughing and said, then we'll make a great pair!
It was another one of those moments that just feel "right". If that makes any sense. He told me on Sun that he has been talking to his boss about hiring more people in his dept(he is the head of his dept) so that he doesn't have to do it all. That he is spread out too thin. His boss agrees, so hopefully they will hire a few more people to take some of the load off H. He admitted that he didn't want to bury himself in his work anymore. If you don't remember my H at bomb time said he wanted to concentrate all his time to his career and couldn't manage both his career and his family. It was an excuse that I recognized right then, and he has buried himself in his work to ignore all the other problems going on around him.
I think(read hope) that is changing. We are even talking about moving. I've been thinking about it for awhile. I also started thinking this summer is probably the best time to do it before S10 starts middle school in the fall. By moving I will be closer to more of my family, and friends. And also when it's time for me to pursue my Bachelors degree, I'll be closer to the school I want to go to.
Anyway, it all sounds good. But we had a discussion about whether he's agreeing just to agree or if it truly makes sense to him and he's ready to really commit to us. I told him I don't want him to think that by moving it will make him happy. He needs to be happy with himself first. I didn't want the move to be a bandaid. He agreed and said that he isn't looking at it as a bandaid. We had a good conversation about it. I feel confident that this is truly what he wants too.
When he was over on Sun we had a really good day. Did some errands together. He went with me to pick up S10 from his dad's house. This is about the third or fourth time he's done that now in the last few weeks. It's nice. Another reconnection. That's how I see it. Him doing more of the normal things we used to do together. The next obstacle will be for him to agree to go to a family gathering. No pressure and no expectations on that one. When he's ready I guess.
All in all life is going well. I've actually started exercising and am starting to eat a bit healthier. I've actually made a plan to slim down this year. I'm hoping I can reach my target by June. That's the plan anyway. But I feel pretty good about this try. I feel different about it. Kind of like it's not really a choice, just something I have to do, like going to school. To me that is not a choice, it's just the way it is. That kind of thinking is what works best for me.
JL - going to do my exercises now!
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
Well, one birthday down, in 8 days another one done. My younger son turned 8 yesterday. And my older son will turn 11. I'm not that old am I? I can't possibly have an 11 year old, I'm only 19 myself! Anyway, they are having a party next weekend. They are going to play laser tag. I don't care what they do, as long as I don't have to have 10 or more boys in my house in the winter!
School is getting hard, but I'm working on it. I still enjoy it, so I must be doing something right. And I think we are all over being sick for awhile. Thank goodness! It seemed every time I turned around one of us, H included, was getting sick.
H and I are progressing forward still. He has a business trip coming up at the end of the week for a whole week, then he said he is going to take a few days off for us to do something. What that is who knows. But he's talking about future plans with us and that's a great sign. We are talking more heavily about moving still. Probably not until the kids are finished with school this year. But we are working on the wheres, whens and the hows about the whole sitch. Of course, the question running in my head all the time (altho' I don't ask it) is when is he actually going to move back home with us, before or after we move. But hey, I can wait a while on that one. Trying super hard to not push him into anything.
He came over last night to celebrate S8's birthday with us, and he seemed to have a very difficult time leaving, even tho' he needed to be to work real early today. And he told me he loves me again (tho' I have to say I said it first, he said I know and repeated it). Now mind you, he is not one to say things like that just to say them. This is only the 2nd time in 2 1/2 years since he left that he's told this to me. A huge deal in my book!
Anyway, life is going rather well, besides being so busy. there is not much more I could truly ask for in my life. And those things I know will be coming soon!
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
Just thought I'd pop over for a visit. Looks like you need reminding of that ole word again - *Patience* !
It's like, this sh!t has happened, We can either turn our backs on our spouses and try as best we can to move on, or we can move on with our lives and keep that door open. The fact that you are prepared to DB and keep the door open for a while yet, speaks volumes about what you prefer. I guess evey day we are making evaluations about what we are trying to do and whether we are getting anywhere near it.
And while we don't have our husbands, there are SOOOOO many other things to be getting on with in our lives, right?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi LnL, thanks for stopping by. It definitely helps to have someone else's opinion about patience. It's one thing to tell myself I need to practice patience, but it seems to stick better when someone else tells me the same thing! It 's like cleaning someone else's house. It's always so much more fun than cleaning your own!
Not a whole lot to report. My stress level is up this week with so much coming up. I have 2 tests on Thur, which is also S10's b-day. Then homework due for Sat class which I have to finish at school because they have the computer program I need to use. Then the boys' b-day part on Sun! Whew! It's tiring just thinking about it. And of course, its the shopping and the planning and the wrapping and the coordinating of schedules that goes along with it! UGH!!
I know I will get thru it, but how well? My biggest concern are my tests. I seem to be avoiding my math. Can't seem to set myself down to study it. It's a bit difficult, but not impossible. Maybe just overwhelmed with everything else. But I have to get to it, because I don't want to get behind in this class.
Not much happening with H either. He is gone on a business trip and will not be back until Sat. Have only heard from him once, yesterday with a short e-mail. It bothers me that I seem to be put aside while he's gone. But I also am trying to not worry about it and get on with my own stress filled days.
I got some really sad news over the weekend that made me realize and appreciate my life is fragile. A friend of mine's H died suddenly on Fri at work. He had an aortic anurism(sp?). He was only 46. It struck home as to how in an instant our lives can change forever.
I called my H (who had already left on his trip) and left a message for him. I told him I loved him, what had happened and that I was done keeping my emotions to myself. I want him to know how I feel, because we never know what tomorrow will bring. I don't intend to bombard him with emotions he may not be able to handle. But I'm not biting my tongue either. The whole sitch is so sad.
Maybe that call scared him, but you know what? I don't care. If he can't handle the emotions I have for him, then he better leave. I'm not keeping them in. I know this is against the DB principle to some degree, but this really hit home. My H is only one year younger than my friend's H and it truly scared me. I won't obsess(that' not in my nature), but I'm not cutting my heart off what it feels. It's the way I've always been, and I'm going back to the woman I was. Loving, emotional and showing my love to the people closest to me.
Anyway, life is marching forward. Sometimes I am running along with it, enjoying the scenery. Other times (like this week) I am dragging my heels and trying to slow it down, with no sucess. I will continue looking forward, whether I'm ready to go there or not!
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
Seems like its been ages since I was here to post. But as I read back on my last posts, I see that things had really moved forward for my H and I.
Then today, I find out that my H is still probably seeing the OW. My gut is churning and I feel as tho' I'm about to explode. I'm not sure who I'm more mad at: him or me. Him for continuing this charade, or me for being ignorant.
I got an e-mail from him today at about 5 saying he was just going into a meeting, and he says who schedules meetings at 5 on Friday, anyway? It gave me that tiny bit of doubt, then I get this news not long afterward. Am I jumping to conclusions? Yes, I know I am. But after what happened between us last weekend it just makes me feel used.
Last Friday night H actually stayed the night, and didn't sleep on the couch It was wonderful, a bit scary since its been 2 1/2 years since we've been intimate. And I was just a little perturbed when I couldn't sleep very well because he was taking up half the bed! I've been so used to having the bed all to myself for so long, it was odd.
Anyway, he's been working on getting closer to me and with the kids, things have been moving along pretty well. We're still looking at putting the house up for sale. Even went to a few open houses a couple of weekends ago, just to see what was out there for sale.
What the heck do I do now?!?
It will be nearly impossible for me to keep my mouth shut about this. I know me well enough. I have to say something. I don't want to be accusing, but I need him to be honest with me. At least that way, I know what I'm dealing with.
I think it's come to a point that I need to be able to trust him, and I can't right now. That stinks because I have always been a very trusting person.
I have class in the morning and he is coming over to watch S8. I figure I will talk to him about after class. I need to for my own piece of mind. He probably won't answer any of my questions, if that is the case, then I really don't know what I'm going to do. Probably nothing. But at least he will know that I'm not some stupid woman who knows nothing about what's going on around her.
I don't really want to do this. But I have changed a lot, and one of those things is to stand up for myself and demand the respect I deserve. Who knows what this will do for the moving plans. Who knows if this will change anything.
I just can't sit back any longer and watch my H make a fool out of me anymore. He needs to sh*t or get off the pot.
I'm not going to drill him or attack him. I am only going to ask a few questions conversationally and see what he says. I'm also going to call my C before I get home and help get a bit grounded before I see him.
Wish me luck, or hit me with a 2x4, whichever you feel is appropriate!
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
Yes, call your C, get grounded! Good advise to yourself. You deserve to stand up for yourself but you can't get all whimpy about this in front of him either. Best of luck. I'd be super upset too but you do have a chance to make this work as he has been trying to get closer you say. If you want it to work, then DB but at least you have learned what to do in a situation like this and with 2.5 years under your belt you can do this. It may feel like a setback but maybe he needs to test the waters as well. Not fair but I'd give him a little leaway. Just keep living for yourself though and don't put too many expectations on him. What he did is not fair but he may need to do this to help him make a decision. Keep your chin up and look out for yours and your kids best interests.
Best of luck in this difficult situation. I am sorry you have to go through this.
I guess we can call that a positive??
), but I just ignored it and went about my business. He seemed to be able to move on fairly quickly too.
It was nice to be intimate although it was not actual 
Anyway, they are having a party next weekend. They are going to play laser tag. I don't care what they do, as long as I don't have to have 10 or more boys in my house in the winter! 
