JL, Your goals sound great. You are concentrating on you--which is a good thing.
Your H is going to do things in his own time frame. You have no control over this. So the best thing for you to do is let go and just live your life for you.
You said it yourself---this cannot be fixed overnight. For some reason---even in my case when my H said that he wanted to reconcile---things were uncomfortable and tense. He had caused so much hurt, but still refused to talk about things---and I was dealing with hurt and anger, disappointment, mistrust and really didn't know how to let it go. He expected it to go back to the way it was before---and I was hoping to at least see some regret for what he had done.
He took the easy way out---back to a life he has probably gotten used to. With her.
Honestly, I don't know what to tell you. I know that you can't push him into anything he is not ready to do. But I also know that if you keep feeling disappointed in him--let down by his responses--that eventually you won't care whether he comes home or not.
So I guess the questions to ask yourself are---Do you still love this man? Is this a relationship that is worth saving for you?
You and I have both been at this a long time. I understand your loneliness. I also know that until I am healed from this pain that my H has caused me, I really won't be able to have a good relationship with anyone. Emotionally, I am not there yet.
Remember the saying---If you love something, set it free.
I am setting mine free. Of course, the man he is now is someone I really don't want in my life. Lying, cheating....
I remember the man that he was, and yes, for years he was a wonderful man that I loved, respected and trusted with my life. His actions have changed that tho'---and it will take a long time to rebuild any of that trust that I had for him. He has to earn that tho', just like yours does.
I really don't think that you can rebuild at all until your H is willing to commit to you and your marriage. When he shows some form of remorse and is willing to start communicating and working towards fixing this mess.
I am sure that he is picking up on your disappointment in him. Maybe he feels too much pressure to fix things--but just doesn't now how to go about it. You know most men aren't good at talking about their feelings. (That's why I am ending up in divorce court.)
Have you tried using I statements with him? I feel.... and so on. Nothing to put him on the defensive (I'm one to talk, huh?! )
Make him feel as welcome as you can--but don't pressure him for more than he is willing to give you right now.
Looking back now, I wish that I had told my H that I wanted him to come home. I regret not doing that. Not telling him that he was wrong for leaving, but that I hoped that one day he would want to come back home. It may not have made any difference, but who knows. I was so afraid of pressuring him, that I didn't talk about things that should have been dealt with. Of course, like yours, mine refused to talk to me anyway, so.....what do you do?
Mine wasn't ready and was never going to be ready. He wasn't done with Bonnie. Still isn't. The thing is, now I think that I am done with him. I fought so hard, but sometimes the hurt runs so deep that you know in your heart that it may never heal. I deserve to be treated better than this. You don't treat someone you love like this---which sadly tells me that my H just doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't care about my feelings, about my pain.
I guess you have to decide how long and how much you are willing to put up with. You have to decide if it is still worth it for you.
) 
