It's been a while, but things are improving

[JustLearning]

Happy Holidays everyone! Hope that Santa brought you all that you asked for!

My holidays have been pretty good. Not spectacular, but nice. H came over on X-mas eve at about lunchtime to take the boys shopping for me, then he stayed the night (on the couch, of course). Me & the boys went to my Moms for x-mas dinner. H decided he didn't want to go, he worked on the race car instead. I was disappointed, and hurt. And I couldn't keep it to myself. It was more my attitude then words. It's not like he's not seen or been around my parents since all this started. And they've been nothing but nice and polite to him. He stuck around last year x-mas when my parents came to my house, why can't he go to my parents? Not his turf I guess. He even got a gift (which he likes).

While I was at my parents, I got 2 voicemail messages from him (my cell doesn't get good reception at their house). He rambled on in both about what he did to the car, how dirty he got, etc etc. In the 2nd I'm sure he was wondering when we were coming home. He also told me that he had a great time both last night and this morning, then to add a shock he actually said "I Love You"

Why don't I feel all warm and fuzzy and excited that he told me that? It's the first time he's said it since he left over 2 years ago.

He's been here every day since x-mas eve (except today, not sure if he'll make it. He's at work although has this week off), but doesn't stay. For some reason I'm starting to feel as though I'm good enough to be around, but not good enough to sleep with.

He has made many strides forward, and I do truly try to see them as positives. But it seems that I've been at this for so long that I've gotten weary of hearing the same old stuff and action not being taken. He's been saying for over a year now that we need to sit and talk and work through this (almost like we can "fix" it in an evening) and yet never does anything about it. If I initiate a R conversation, he seems to shut down.

The actions just don't seem to coinside with the words. I'm getting really tired of all this. The rest of my life is moving along swimmingly. I have wonderful friends I go out with, I have my schooling which keeps me really busy and I've made some new friends through that. My kids are doing pretty well.

And yet, I still feel "stuck" emotionally waiting for this man to get his head out of his a$$ and figure out what he wants in his life.

What can I do to get past this blase' feeling about what he's doing now? I know he's trying, and I seem to think he's not trying hard enough. And I know that's not fair.

I still don't truly trust him either. I know that there are things in his life he won't talk to me about. And doesn't seem to care whether I trust him or not. Maybe my projections? And yet, I give him the benefit of the doubt on most things he says, because I really have nothing else to go on. And I'm done snooping. It's done nothing but hurt me. I know for the most part where he lives, but refuse to drive by to find the exact apt. Just can't make myself do it.

How do I get myself out of this funk I've put myself in when my H really does seem to be trying to find his way back to me?

I feel like a weary traveller. Have walked so far on this path that the scenery is getting boring. How do I change paths?

I want a companion in my life. I want someone to snuggle with. Someone to ML with, be physical and intimate with. And my H is just not there yet. H kisses and hugs me, and lets me kiss him, but doesn't seem to seek me out to hug or kiss me except when he's leaving. Is it pursuing if I start taking the iniative?

This piecing stuff is ssssoooo hard. I can see the potential for a great R, but at what cost? How long do I continue to not have my needs met in order to try to rescue this R?

What can I do for myself so that I'm not getting my expectations up every time I see a small positive step?

My frustration level is running high right now and wishing I was in school to take my mind off it. I guess maybe cleaning house like I've been planning would help.

I do have a few goals that I've started putting together for the new year. Maybe putting in black and white will help me to stick to these goals:

1. Work on putting together a weight loss and exercise program that suits me and fits my personality and lifestyle.

2. Getting my financial work organized (paying bills, investments, etc.) Keep up to date with Money program to help with this goal.

3 & 4. Work on my procrastination. (I am a master at it!) Make small goals to clear out unwanted and unneeded stuff in house. Simplify!

5. Stay on top of homework for school. I got behind last semester and never got caught up. Grades were ok, but not up to my own standards.

6. Spend more time with my boys. Pick one night a week to play games with them.

This is a good start I think. What do you guys think?

Comments and questions always welcome!!

JL