Things not going real well right now. Today has been a rough day. Most of it my fault and a bad DB day. I talked to H today and I made the mistake (again) of getting into a R talk while he was at work. I should know better by now,right? It finally hit me that having these rants (I rant, he says nothing) doesn't make me feel better, nor does it make any difference in the sitch. God, I've cried so much today, my contacts are dry and yucky.
After almost 2 years, he still can't decide whether or not he wants to even try to fix this R. All I see is a little boy trapped in a man's body who is so scared of god knows what and has pushed everyone who was close to him away. Not just my family and friends, but his own family too. His family lives in another country, but in all this time has not called any of them to talk to them.
I feel like I've been walking around the past few days with a black cloud hanging over my head and I'm just waiting for it to storm. When will I ever get my life back? A normal life, one without all this drama and trauma and heartache and heartbreak?
How much more time has to go by before I get fed up with loving a man who doesn't seem to love me? How much rejection can I actually take before finally giving up all hope?
DNO, I agree with you when you say you wished you could numb yourself from all this. I do too. And yet if I did that, I wouldn't have any love to give to a man who truly deserves it. Whoever that might be.
This limbo stuff sucks and I'm tired of feeling like a fool.
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
JL, Sorry that you are hurting right now. How many times have we heard, no R talks? I don't know what it is--it upsets us and makes them run in the other direction. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue.
I think I've come close to biting mine off sometimes.
When H first left, every time he came near me, I tried to talk about us. Why this was happening, why was he doing this...blah blah blah. It got me no where. In fact, I saw the wall go up around him--I got this stoney blank look from him. It took me awhile to learn that I was gaining absolutely nothing, and in fact, was doing more damage and driving a larger wedge between us.
My H and his MLC--totally sucks!! He also pushed everyone out of his life--his friends and family. But gradually he is letting his family back in. Whether he ever lets me back in or not is totally up to him. And, by the time he does, I may not want back in.
JL, I don't know how much you have to take before you get fed up enough to do something about it. Each of us is different. Two years of it is enough for me--I have to move forward with my life. But the door is still opened a crack--for now anyway.
One day tho', I figure it will be slammed shut and locked with a padlock.
So JL, this is my advice to you. I know that you still love your H, but I also know that you are getting tired of this mess. Talking to him about the R is not working, so you have to stop. No more R talks. He will run. You will not get the answers from him that you want to hear.
Time to go a little bit gray, not dark, but a nice shade of gray. Treat him like you would a casual friend. Chit chat--keep things lite.
Your 180 will be no R talks. My H noticed when I stopped--he actually said something to his mother about it. Recently he has mentioned that I seem happier. And you know what, I am. It took me a long time to realize that I cannot control this situation. Letting go of it somewhat has given me a little release.
That old life that we had is gone. Even if our H's came back into our lives--that old life is dead. We are different people now and we both know that they definitely are different. Too much has happened for us not to be.
Your new life is as happy as you allow it to be. Live for yourself and the kids. If your H chooses to come back into your life, then that is just icing.
I do think that it is a good sign that he showed you where he is living. Also that he is including himself in family outings. Enjoy them--use that time to DB your butt off. Don't drive him away with the R talks. That is a cheesless tunnel.
Thanks DNO, you are so absolutely right!! I have been concentrating on a lot of R talks lately. I am just so tired of not knowing what the heck is going on that I feel that I need to spout.
Sometimes I have wondered if I say things at times just to see if I can get a rise of out H. Make him yell at me, say mean things. Something other than these terrible silences.
He has opened up a bit last weekend. He took our S7 overnight last Sat. for the very first time. I had a really hard time and so did S7 at first. I knew he'd be fine once they left, but it was a very tearful goodbye. H did not take him to his place tho'. They stayed at a new friend's of his that went out of town and asked him to cat-sit. Then he calls me twice on Sun telling me what they've been up to and what they were going to be doing. Why did he do this? I never asked for a play by play description of their weekend.
Then when they got home H tells me he had such a good time and thinks he's missing a lot and wondering if he's making a big mistake. We did talk a little about our sitch. He doesn't believe that we can change enough to make this R work. He doesn't know where to start. But still is thinking that maybe he doesn't want to severe his ties to us. I just know he's really confused.
What can I tell him? How do we start?
We had a race weekend this weekend and I decided not to go. He went, but without the race car. Apparently his heart just wasn't in it this W/E because of the stuff he's dealing with at work is draining him. I didn't go because...I don't really know why. I just couldn't go. Maybe it was to protect myself from expectations and rejections again. But now I'm afraid he's going to re-think his idea of trying to work this out. I told him a week ago I wouldn't go because it was too hard to be around him for that amount of time and have to pretend.
I haven't heard from him all weekend. Which doesn't really surprise me, but it still hurts. When is he going to finally figure this out? It's driving me batty!!
I will, from now on, not say anything about our R, unless he starts it. Then I'll say very little. Otherwise I need to sew a zipper on these lips.
But how do I get him to take small steps towards me again? Can I ask him out on a date? Do I call him once in a while? What now??
Please any advice would be extremely helpful right now.
Thanks!!
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
JL, maybe you should go a little gray with him. No pursuing--don't ask him out. I really think that he needs to be the one to come to you.
So, start doing things for yourself. Don't worry about him or what he is doing for awhile. Be nice and 'up' if he calls about anything---no R talks!!
And look goooooood!!
You know, I don't think that my H started really looking my way again until he felt that I was moving on and getting happy again. I know you were probably dropping in on my thread once in awhile and read that H had told his M that I seemed happier now. Mentioned that to her several times. He was probably thinking I was moving on with my life, ready to let go--and really, he was right--I was getting there.
I got to the point that I was letting go, maybe accepting that the D was going to happen--I couldn't control that.
I flirted a little with him--just to let him see what he was missing. But I never started in about the R or us. Us was over. I treated him like a friend. Talked, smiled, laughed, joked. Of course it took me a long time to get to the point that I didn't feel like I was faking that.
So the D has been put off, but he's also backed off a bit. So who knows where I'll be in a few months. Over here on piecing, or in surviving.
Just an update, not much to report. Same story, just a different day. I have been enjoying the summer though, which is a great thing since last summer sucked! I'm not in that depression like last year.
I haven't really done much, except read. I've read so much since I got out of school that I even have amazed myself. I love it!! With my S10 at his dad's most of the summer, its been just me and S7. I've been taking him to swim lessons that he seems to love which is fun to watch (and of course take a book to read during his lesson ) Went to my aunts for 4th of July weekend and had a good time. The kids basically lived in their pool the whole weekend!
Ever since my H said that he thinks he wants to try, I've hardly seen him. He seems to have buried himself back into his work, although he's started complaining that its getting too much. Not that he'll do much about it. On average we see him about once a week.
He came over Sunday. When he walked in I got the feeling like oh well, yippee, you're here, what do you want, a gold star? I'm beginning to feel like I'm supposed to jump for joy when he shows up, but don't really give a hoot.
Does he come over just so that he can check to see the house is still standing? That his son is clean and fed? Does he come over to show he can be the wonderful family guy?
I don't know, and am beginning to not care. I still like seeing him, but I don't get too jazzed anymore. I still love him, but am getting tired of feeling used and disrespected.
But my life moves on. I got an A in my Math class and I just registered for fall classes. Three classes again, but only one is at night this semester. I don't start until after Labor Day, but my kids start in a couple of weeks. yeah!
For me, my life has become pretty steady and calm. Even enjoyable. I've stopped talking to H about our R, which helps me some. I don't feel agitated. But I think my H is wondering what's up. He hasn't said anything. When he was here on Sun, he'd stand there, like he was waiting for me to say something and when I didn't he wasn't quite sure what to do, so he'd go back out to the garage.
It's about time he felt awkward!
Anyway, life moves forward for me and my boys. We will be fine, I know that now. It's a good feeling. Just wish I could say the same about my Marriage.
Take care, JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
I don't know what it is with me and my mouth, I just can't seem to make it shut up! I need lots of duct tape!!
Today my H called after I e-mailed him about what was going on with this w/e. We have a race and we needed to discuss who's doing what. I will be working at the track so need him to watch S7. He wasn't sure if he was going to race or not.
Anyway, after we figured all that out, he said something about taking S7 with him again overnight. Makes my stomach churn, but I said that was fine. Then I went down hill. I said too bad you don't ever ask me out. He said who knows, I might. I said, yeah right. Just like talking and figuring this out. Then it got worse.
I told him I was so sick and tired of living this way. If he doesn't want me then walk away. S7 is suffering too by always saying he wants his dad to come home. That I'm tired of the disrespect. That he needed to stop being such a coward and say something, even if its to say he's moving on. More stuff just don't remember.
Of course, he said nothing. Didn't expect him to since he was at work.
But I did figure something out after all this while I was crying while I finished mowing the backyard. I think I push him and say these things so that he will make some kind of decision. Whether its good or bad. I want him to just get his a$$ off the fence!
I don't want to make the decision, so I'm trying to push him to make one. Does that make me a weak person? Not sure but it's getting harder and harder to be nice to him, not easier. Yes, I am moving forward in my life, and don't seem to have a problem about living my life without him.
It's his popping in and out and acting like everything is just fine is what is beginning to infuriate me. How can I continue to treat him like a friend when he treats me with such disrespect?
I will be seeing him tomorrow at the track, and all I want to do is run the other way.
I just want my husband back.
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
JL, I know exactly where you are coming from. Waiting totally sucks--and it comes to the point where you want to say sh*^ or get off the pot!!!
My H and yours have both said they want to date--but we are still living like we were before they said that. Still hanging out in limbo, and the H's seem to be making very little effort on their parts.
It gets so frustrating sometimes. I want my H home too, but right now, he doesn't want to be here.
It's been almost a month since my H said he wanted to 'date', but still, no date. I'm still hanging like I was before.
The difference is, he threw a little hope my way--(and got rid of slutzilla ) so I guess that's something.
I know a lot of you don't know me, I've been on these boards over 2 years now, but don't post much. When I pulled up my thread I hadn't realized it has been 4 months since I've posted on my own thread!
I guess the reason I don't post much is that it seems like the same old thing. Things are still just kind of "hanging out there" waiting for someone to DO SOMETHING, anything. In my last post I had talked about pushing my H with the things I said. Once I had realized that's what I was doing, things for me changed. I stopped bringing up any R talk. And even admitted it to H. He agreed with me. Of course it's not changed anything.
I'm still in school, and I've figured out that I will be done in the spring of '06! But now I've decided I will be enrolling in another school to finish my Bachelors in the specific field I want to get into. So at this rate, I'll be at retiring age by the time I'm ready to start my new career!
Things between H and I are better. We talk a bit more. He acts like he's going to be around awhile, although its still in the friendship stage. But I'm getting to another level of intolerance of his treatment of me. Still isn't following thru on things he says he's going to do, but that only pertains to me. Whenever he says he's coming over or he'll watch the kids, he does. So why can't he call when he says he will? Why can't he sit and talk with me about this R when he says that he will?
These are the things that are wearing me down. Lonliness and wanting male companionship and intimacy are very high right now. And he doesn't seem to really care. It's like I see glimpses of the man I used to know, but the loving, passionate part of that man is gone. Does it always work that way?
Work still seems to get in the way of a lot of things for him. He's out of town most of this week, then leaves again on Sat. for another business trip. We might be blessed with his presence on Friday before he heads out again.
I know I have detached quite a bit over the last few months. But it is still so hard when he throws just a bit of hope my way every so often. It's hard to completely let go. But I'm trying.
My boys are doing really well. S10 made all A's honor roll at school. I'm SSSOOOO proud of him! S7 is having a bit more trouble. He has a harder time with his Dad not being around much. Although he's getting it. He asked my H several weeks ago if my H could ask me if H could spend the night! I almost split my side trying not to laugh with S7 in the room! It was so funny in how he worded it, like he knew he didn't live here anymore and had to get permission. Of course, H didn't stay. No surprise there.
Anyway, he comes and goes with the breeze and I'm still here, keeping my tree firmly rooted in the ground. All I need now is a few lessons in time management! It's not that I'm so busy that I have no time for myself. It's more like I have enough time, I'll do "it" later. Like laundry, dishes, etc. Which then puts me behind in everything else. I'm getting tired of always trying to catch up. Any suggestions?
If you've gotten this far, thanks! I'm actually going to try to post a bit more, then maybe I wouldn't always have to write books each time I post.
So...any suggestions as to where I go from here in how to deal with H?
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
Happy Holidays everyone! Hope that Santa brought you all that you asked for!
My holidays have been pretty good. Not spectacular, but nice. H came over on X-mas eve at about lunchtime to take the boys shopping for me, then he stayed the night (on the couch, of course). Me & the boys went to my Moms for x-mas dinner. H decided he didn't want to go, he worked on the race car instead. I was disappointed, and hurt. And I couldn't keep it to myself. It was more my attitude then words. It's not like he's not seen or been around my parents since all this started. And they've been nothing but nice and polite to him. He stuck around last year x-mas when my parents came to my house, why can't he go to my parents? Not his turf I guess. He even got a gift (which he likes).
While I was at my parents, I got 2 voicemail messages from him (my cell doesn't get good reception at their house). He rambled on in both about what he did to the car, how dirty he got, etc etc. In the 2nd I'm sure he was wondering when we were coming home. He also told me that he had a great time both last night and this morning, then to add a shock he actually said "I Love You"
Why don't I feel all warm and fuzzy and excited that he told me that? It's the first time he's said it since he left over 2 years ago.
He's been here every day since x-mas eve (except today, not sure if he'll make it. He's at work although has this week off), but doesn't stay. For some reason I'm starting to feel as though I'm good enough to be around, but not good enough to sleep with.
He has made many strides forward, and I do truly try to see them as positives. But it seems that I've been at this for so long that I've gotten weary of hearing the same old stuff and action not being taken. He's been saying for over a year now that we need to sit and talk and work through this (almost like we can "fix" it in an evening) and yet never does anything about it. If I initiate a R conversation, he seems to shut down.
The actions just don't seem to coinside with the words. I'm getting really tired of all this. The rest of my life is moving along swimmingly. I have wonderful friends I go out with, I have my schooling which keeps me really busy and I've made some new friends through that. My kids are doing pretty well.
And yet, I still feel "stuck" emotionally waiting for this man to get his head out of his a$$ and figure out what he wants in his life.
What can I do to get past this blase' feeling about what he's doing now? I know he's trying, and I seem to think he's not trying hard enough. And I know that's not fair.
I still don't truly trust him either. I know that there are things in his life he won't talk to me about. And doesn't seem to care whether I trust him or not. Maybe my projections? And yet, I give him the benefit of the doubt on most things he says, because I really have nothing else to go on. And I'm done snooping. It's done nothing but hurt me. I know for the most part where he lives, but refuse to drive by to find the exact apt. Just can't make myself do it.
How do I get myself out of this funk I've put myself in when my H really does seem to be trying to find his way back to me?
I feel like a weary traveller. Have walked so far on this path that the scenery is getting boring. How do I change paths?
I want a companion in my life. I want someone to snuggle with. Someone to ML with, be physical and intimate with. And my H is just not there yet. H kisses and hugs me, and lets me kiss him, but doesn't seem to seek me out to hug or kiss me except when he's leaving. Is it pursuing if I start taking the iniative?
This piecing stuff is ssssoooo hard. I can see the potential for a great R, but at what cost? How long do I continue to not have my needs met in order to try to rescue this R?
What can I do for myself so that I'm not getting my expectations up every time I see a small positive step?
My frustration level is running high right now and wishing I was in school to take my mind off it. I guess maybe cleaning house like I've been planning would help.
I do have a few goals that I've started putting together for the new year. Maybe putting in black and white will help me to stick to these goals:
1. Work on putting together a weight loss and exercise program that suits me and fits my personality and lifestyle.
2. Getting my financial work organized (paying bills, investments, etc.) Keep up to date with Money program to help with this goal.
3 & 4. Work on my procrastination. (I am a master at it!) Make small goals to clear out unwanted and unneeded stuff in house. Simplify!
5. Stay on top of homework for school. I got behind last semester and never got caught up. Grades were ok, but not up to my own standards.
6. Spend more time with my boys. Pick one night a week to play games with them.
This is a good start I think. What do you guys think?
Comments and questions always welcome!!
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
JL, Your goals sound great. You are concentrating on you--which is a good thing.
Your H is going to do things in his own time frame. You have no control over this. So the best thing for you to do is let go and just live your life for you.
You said it yourself---this cannot be fixed overnight. For some reason---even in my case when my H said that he wanted to reconcile---things were uncomfortable and tense. He had caused so much hurt, but still refused to talk about things---and I was dealing with hurt and anger, disappointment, mistrust and really didn't know how to let it go. He expected it to go back to the way it was before---and I was hoping to at least see some regret for what he had done.
He took the easy way out---back to a life he has probably gotten used to. With her.
Honestly, I don't know what to tell you. I know that you can't push him into anything he is not ready to do. But I also know that if you keep feeling disappointed in him--let down by his responses--that eventually you won't care whether he comes home or not.
So I guess the questions to ask yourself are---Do you still love this man? Is this a relationship that is worth saving for you?
You and I have both been at this a long time. I understand your loneliness. I also know that until I am healed from this pain that my H has caused me, I really won't be able to have a good relationship with anyone. Emotionally, I am not there yet.
Remember the saying---If you love something, set it free.
I am setting mine free. Of course, the man he is now is someone I really don't want in my life. Lying, cheating....
I remember the man that he was, and yes, for years he was a wonderful man that I loved, respected and trusted with my life. His actions have changed that tho'---and it will take a long time to rebuild any of that trust that I had for him. He has to earn that tho', just like yours does.
I really don't think that you can rebuild at all until your H is willing to commit to you and your marriage. When he shows some form of remorse and is willing to start communicating and working towards fixing this mess.
I am sure that he is picking up on your disappointment in him. Maybe he feels too much pressure to fix things--but just doesn't now how to go about it. You know most men aren't good at talking about their feelings. (That's why I am ending up in divorce court.)
Have you tried using I statements with him? I feel.... and so on. Nothing to put him on the defensive (I'm one to talk, huh?! )
Make him feel as welcome as you can--but don't pressure him for more than he is willing to give you right now.
Looking back now, I wish that I had told my H that I wanted him to come home. I regret not doing that. Not telling him that he was wrong for leaving, but that I hoped that one day he would want to come back home. It may not have made any difference, but who knows. I was so afraid of pressuring him, that I didn't talk about things that should have been dealt with. Of course, like yours, mine refused to talk to me anyway, so.....what do you do?
Mine wasn't ready and was never going to be ready. He wasn't done with Bonnie. Still isn't. The thing is, now I think that I am done with him. I fought so hard, but sometimes the hurt runs so deep that you know in your heart that it may never heal. I deserve to be treated better than this. You don't treat someone you love like this---which sadly tells me that my H just doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't care about my feelings, about my pain.
I guess you have to decide how long and how much you are willing to put up with. You have to decide if it is still worth it for you.
But now I've decided I will be enrolling in another school to finish my Bachelors in the specific field I want to get into. So at this rate, I'll be at retiring age by the time I'm ready to start my new career!