It's been a while, but things are improving

[JustLearning]

I don't know what it is with me and my mouth, I just can't seem to make it shut up! I need lots of duct tape!!

Today my H called after I e-mailed him about what was going on with this w/e. We have a race and we needed to discuss who's doing what. I will be working at the track so need him to watch S7. He wasn't sure if he was going to race or not.

Anyway, after we figured all that out, he said something about taking S7 with him again overnight. Makes my stomach churn, but I said that was fine. Then I went down hill. I said too bad you don't ever ask me out. He said who knows, I might. I said, yeah right. Just like talking and figuring this out. Then it got worse.

I told him I was so sick and tired of living this way. If he doesn't want me then walk away. S7 is suffering too by always saying he wants his dad to come home. That I'm tired of the disrespect. That he needed to stop being such a coward and say something, even if its to say he's moving on. More stuff just don't remember.

Of course, he said nothing. Didn't expect him to since he was at work.

But I did figure something out after all this while I was crying while I finished mowing the backyard. I think I push him and say these things so that he will make some kind of decision. Whether its good or bad. I want him to just get his a$$ off the fence!

I don't want to make the decision, so I'm trying to push him to make one. Does that make me a weak person? Not sure but it's getting harder and harder to be nice to him, not easier. Yes, I am moving forward in my life, and don't seem to have a problem about living my life without him.

It's his popping in and out and acting like everything is just fine is what is beginning to infuriate me. How can I continue to treat him like a friend when he treats me with such disrespect?

I will be seeing him tomorrow at the track, and all I want to do is run the other way.

I just want my husband back.

JL