JL, Sorry that you are hurting right now. How many times have we heard, no R talks? I don't know what it is--it upsets us and makes them run in the other direction. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue.
I think I've come close to biting mine off sometimes.
When H first left, every time he came near me, I tried to talk about us. Why this was happening, why was he doing this...blah blah blah. It got me no where. In fact, I saw the wall go up around him--I got this stoney blank look from him. It took me awhile to learn that I was gaining absolutely nothing, and in fact, was doing more damage and driving a larger wedge between us.
My H and his MLC--totally sucks!! He also pushed everyone out of his life--his friends and family. But gradually he is letting his family back in. Whether he ever lets me back in or not is totally up to him. And, by the time he does, I may not want back in.
JL, I don't know how much you have to take before you get fed up enough to do something about it. Each of us is different. Two years of it is enough for me--I have to move forward with my life. But the door is still opened a crack--for now anyway.
One day tho', I figure it will be slammed shut and locked with a padlock.
So JL, this is my advice to you. I know that you still love your H, but I also know that you are getting tired of this mess. Talking to him about the R is not working, so you have to stop. No more R talks. He will run. You will not get the answers from him that you want to hear.
Time to go a little bit gray, not dark, but a nice shade of gray. Treat him like you would a casual friend. Chit chat--keep things lite.
Your 180 will be no R talks. My H noticed when I stopped--he actually said something to his mother about it. Recently he has mentioned that I seem happier. And you know what, I am. It took me a long time to realize that I cannot control this situation. Letting go of it somewhat has given me a little release.
That old life that we had is gone. Even if our H's came back into our lives--that old life is dead. We are different people now and we both know that they definitely are different. Too much has happened for us not to be.
Your new life is as happy as you allow it to be. Live for yourself and the kids. If your H chooses to come back into your life, then that is just icing.
I do think that it is a good sign that he showed you where he is living. Also that he is including himself in family outings. Enjoy them--use that time to DB your butt off. Don't drive him away with the R talks. That is a cheesless tunnel.
