It's been a while, but things are improving

[JustLearning]

Things not going real well right now. Today has been a rough day. Most of it my fault and a bad DB day. I talked to H today and I made the mistake (again) of getting into a R talk while he was at work. I should know better by now,right? It finally hit me that having these rants (I rant, he says nothing) doesn't make me feel better, nor does it make any difference in the sitch. God, I've cried so much today, my contacts are dry and yucky.

After almost 2 years, he still can't decide whether or not he wants to even try to fix this R. All I see is a little boy trapped in a man's body who is so scared of god knows what and has pushed everyone who was close to him away. Not just my family and friends, but his own family too. His family lives in another country, but in all this time has not called any of them to talk to them.

I feel like I've been walking around the past few days with a black cloud hanging over my head and I'm just waiting for it to storm. When will I ever get my life back? A normal life, one without all this drama and trauma and heartache and heartbreak?

How much more time has to go by before I get fed up with loving a man who doesn't seem to love me? How much rejection can I actually take before finally giving up all hope?

DNO, I agree with you when you say you wished you could numb yourself from all this. I do too. And yet if I did that, I wouldn't have any love to give to a man who truly deserves it. Whoever that might be.

This limbo stuff sucks and I'm tired of feeling like a fool.

JL