1wish, you need IC to figure out why you have this pattern of sabotaging yourself, then apologizing and saying things like "I'll understand if you give up on me". Where is that mindset coming from? How can you get a handle on self control? Do you have ADD? (That is a serious question).
The fact that you feel like meditation is not for you tells me it may be just what you need to calm your brain so you can think first and act second. The fact that you cannot name any real interests to pursue tell me you have a lot of soul searching and growing up to do.
