In any case, I would still love to find more information and any advice.
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Originally Posted By: Grey
Meanwhile, there seems to be a prevalent assumption here that I'm simply still doing something wrong. I don't know how to convince anyone on that, and ironically I'm not even sure if my wife could either, no matter how close to the truth it might be.
Maybe it's because if you were doing everything right, you'd be getting better results?
DBing is all about "Do what works," at its core. So the corollary to that would be "If it's NOT working, do something different" . . . no?
Starsky
Exactly. Because it's her end, right? I mean, isn't that the point?
Let's put it bluntly; my wife is happy with our marriage except that she doesn't have a libido, and that's my only real concern as well.
The trick isn't to say that I'm not giving enough x or showing enough y, I get the argument except that I can't convince some people that I'm doing enough of those things, and otherwise it becomes, "if you were doing everything right she'd have a stronger libido than you."
That's just not it. And not even based on what I say, but on what she says, which is at least as important if not more important.
So again, just take it at face value, is it even possible to assume everything is good and I'm not drastically missing one of her basic, important needs? All I want to do is figure out how to deal with the stress of having a sexless marriage, no matter how temporary (because it can be difficult every day), and now I also want to figure out how best to bring up anything I could talk to her about for her to LEARN what she might need to do to get back whatever it is she's missing.
For example, what if a book, any book including any of Michele's books, could have a profound revelation for my wife, good or bad? My best assumption is it would be good, but it would at least be something, right? And something does help.
But I obviously can't say, "hey, here's this book I think you'll like..."
She might like it. She might love it. But I can't get her really interested in trying without making it feel like I'm pressuring her. I get that, so I stay out of it, but she's not internally motivated to really look online, or read, or ask around, or see another doctor, or anything that might give her more knowledge about what's going on and perhaps how to address it, even if it's to tell me she understands that I want to have sex and to communicate why she can't or doesn't want to. See, it's not simply about sex, it's just that the evolution of our relationship seems stalled on her end, not even through any deliberate choice but perhaps through naivety.
I mean, I can't help but imagine, especially when I'm awake at night feeling alone, what it might be like IF we both could talk about any of these books that I've done so much reading and research on and that she is all but unaware of, does that make more sense? At least then we'd both know more, but instead I have a hard time bringing it up at all (no, I don't ever come out and say or ask why we're not having sex since the first time I asked well over a month ago) because I am afraid it will feel like pressure BECAUSE I think we both know everything else is ok------think about it, what IF all her needs actually are being met, and all of mine but sex are being met? Just assume it's possible---------so then when she starts investigating this issue, how can she NOT feel like she's being told simply to have sex with her husband? Michele even says it herself, and it's not that I think it's bad advice, it's that IF there are no other issues and not having sex is an outlier, the realization of that point instantly gives sex a stigma all over again, doesn't it?
Does that make more sense why I'm afraid I'm not even supposed to talk about anything? I'm making her dinner tonight and I've planned us to talk, not about this, but JUST to talk, for at least an hour, just us, then we're watching a movie called "Enough Said." I called her today on my way back to work from a meeting, which she loves. She used my credit card to buy gas this afternoon. I'm not EXPECTING anything, I just want to make sure it's clear that 1.) I'm doing the best I know how (and I sincerely believe meeting all of her needs from my end) and 2.) I'm still keeping quiet about it.
I just have a hard time and don't know how other people deal. Like, the more books I read, the more I realize things I don't just already know, but things I've already been doing so long that they're good habits, including romantic affection and time. And as I read more, I realize how unaware she must be of the things I'm reading about, only I can't deliberately introduce to her, right? It's so tricky, all while struggling with a desire to ML with my wife.
