Sorry that I've not been posting, I tend to read threads after midnight and by then my brain doesn't allow me to think well enough to type good thoughts into words.
But thanks hoping, DNO and Rueben for your responses and checking up on me. It is much appreciated!
Things on the school front is on hold this week. My winter break has been this week and its been busy! I've gotten behind in some homework, so I'm trying to get caught up before I go back. Getting behind is my own fault, but I know that I'll catch up, I seem to thrive on deadlines!
H and I are still moving forward in a positive way. I have been unable to answer H's letter on paper, but we have been discussing it and I read to him what I had started, just so that he knew in what direction I was going with it.
This whole new process is so hard to put into words, maybe that's part of why I've not posted. It's nothing really specific, but things like him asking for us to go to dinner. He talks about "us" and the future regarding our racing this summer. He talks about what "we" are going to do about vehicles when our current leases are up. We've even talked about moving closer to his work! (That move would also benefit me alone, since my parents will be moving once their house is sold, and me moving a bit closer to the metro area would bring me closer to them, eventually). I've asked him if talking about us moving bothers him or pressures him and he says no and seems very genuine about it.
What I seem to be finding is that the closer we seem to be getting, the better I seem to do with the detaching part. We seem to see each other only once, maybe twice a week because of our schedules and distance, but it really doesn't bother me. I don't wait for his call, I don't wonder when I will see him next. When he leaves, I actually smile(last night when he left he lingered in the garage for almost 15 minutes talking to me, like he didn't want to go! It was midnight and he had to be to work this a.m. at 7!
Good sign? You bet! Expectations? Yes, but on a smale scale, like expecting he will continue to watch the kids for me on school nights, that he will continue to follow up on what he says he will do, like calling when he says he will.
But I have to admit I'm scared. Scared that this progress will collapse, just as it did last summer. But I'm in such a different place in my life, and I think he is too.
There are still loads of questions I don't have answers for, like where he lives, or the status of the supposed OW. But my instinct tells me she is not in the picture any longer. He seems closer to me, not as reserved. Still a long way from him throwing me to the floor and ravishing me, but I think its not too far in the future! An expectation? Not really, more of a wish!
Anyway, I've got to go and e-mail my resume to a potential employer. Oh yeah, and I called about an ad in the paper for a personal assistant. It seems perfect for my schedule and it will give me some extra spending cash of my own. The best part of it is that I would be able to set my own hours and do a lot of the work from home! So cross your fingers for me.
I'm truly not sure if its a good idea for me to try to work with everything else (no offense to those who have no choice). I'm scared that I won't be able to handle doing it all. But I guess I won't know unless I try right?
Let me know what you think or if you have any comments, suggestions or tips on being Super Mom, I'd love to hear them!
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
Hi JL, How's the job hunt going? No tips on being a super mom. Just take one day at a time, and keep a calender on your fridge to keep track of everything and everywhere you need to be.
Hi DNO, thanks for bringing my thread from the brink of oblivion! I know I am terrible about posting, but I do try to keep up with a few threads.
My Easter was a decent one. The bunny left eggs out in the yard for S7 to find (S10 spends Easter holiday with his dad) and then was so excited when he came back in from egg hunting, there was another basket on the table! My parents came down and I made Easter dinner, but the really cool part was that H came over too! My parents were glad to see him and I hope it made him see that they still care about him.
He left only about a half hour ago. We are talking alot better, but I do still have fears. He still isn't filling in the blanks about where he lives, or about the OW, and I have dropped those questions (for now. I still feel I deserve to know these things. Maybe it really doesn't matter, so I try to let go but is still hard at times). I guess its a trust thing. Not a topic we talk much about yet.
The really exciting part is that he is going on vacation with me and the boys to FL!! My fear is that he will back out at the last minute, but I'm not worrying about the "what if's". And if he does, we (me and the boys) are still going. We are going the end of May, I am thrilled, but try to keep the enthusiasm to a dull roar!
I am still in school, not doing as well as I could be, but think I will still get decent grades. Then one class for the Spring semester. I'll be so glad to see summer. This year will be different that last year. I was at such a low point last summer, I don't plan on being that way again. Summer is too beautiful a season to ruin it with depression! I plan on doing things for myself, like taking horse-back riding lessons. It is something I loved to do as a kid, but grew up and thought it was only a kid thing. But I still love horses and want to be around them again. So it ought to be fun.
My boys are doing fairly well. I have moments with S7, but usually he's good. Both are in scouts and they will be starting after school programs after the holiday break. So, my plate is full (in fact too full, I've gained all of my post-bomb stress weight, plus some! Yuck!).
I am getting stronger mentally, still have set backs, but am steadily having more good days than bad. Now all I have to do is squeeze in a diet & exercize plan into my life somewhere and I'll be great!
The great thing is that I know that my strength is coming from myself, not from the way my R with my H is improving. It is slow, but I guess that's a good thing. Forces me to practice my patience, something I've never been real good at!
Well, off to bed, got homework I need to finish off in the morning.
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
Ok, guess it's time to update my thread again, since I'm on the last page! Yikes, time goes by so fast!
I've been off school this week. My time off between semesters. I'm back to school on Mon again for the Spring session. I got my grades today for Winter semester and got a B+, A-, and an A! Yippee!! The B+ surprised me because that was the class I had gotten so far behind in. So, I'm really pleased. And have enjoyed this week off but am already looking forward to the next class, another Math class, to start.
Things with H seem to continue to improve. He is still planning on going to FL with us, which I'm getting really excited about. He's been talking about the lease on his car (and mine) and whether we should trade it in before or after the trip. We have also started the racing season and has started off really well.
He's still not staying here at home, and not sure when or if it will happen. My guess is after our trip, he may actually talk about it. Who knows. Another expectation that I keep at a low minimum. The great thing about this new R, is that we communicate better than we have for years. It's amazing the things I say that I would never have said before. I stand up for myself now, my schedule is just as important as his and I take care of myself. And I know he is noticing!
I actually enjoy the sitch right now. There are times when my patience don't do well, but for the most part I feel like we are starting from the beginning.
So, things are looking better and better. What a difference a year can make! (Even though we've been at this for 21 months!) Last spring and summer were horrible, but this year they look quite promising!
Take care everyone
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
Thanks T2 for posting, its nice to know someone other than me is reading my thread!
H was here this afternoon to spend time with me and S7 before he left tonight on a business trip. He'll be gone for most of the week. Funny how detachment brings feelings of comfort. Maybe its because H seems to be moving towards me again. Not sure. It's just this feeling that I don't have to panic anymore after he leaves or hangs up the phone. In the beginning I always had the fear it would be the last. Now, over the last couple of months or so, its a feeling of peace. Knowing that he will eventually call again. Just a matter of time.
His calls are now every couple of days or so. It's not everyday like it used to be pre-bomb, but so much better than it was.
We are talking about many future things, that it actually is taking time for it to all sink in. Our vacation in 2 weeks, turning in our lease cars and getting new ones, the possibility of moving closer to the city and closer to his work. It all seems so positive and yet... -no ILY's -no ML -no direct talk of him moving back in
Why? Can't quite figure this one out. I don't obsess about it like I used to. I have my own life to live now and it doesn't include obsessing about him! Yeah for me!
If I dwell on these things, I get irritated, so I don't go there. I am trying so hard to take things easily. Be laid back and just look at him as a new suitor.
But how long do I let this bit of limbo last? This patience stuff is way too hard!!
Oh yeah, today we actually touched on the money subject. Something he's avoided like the plague pretty much since he left. I get his paycheck(and am grateful b/c I know many of you have to struggle when the WAS takes his paycheck too), but also get all the bills. And unfortunately have not saved as much money as I feel I could have. But talking briefly about it today, and owning up to my spending of late, his attitude was "I understand, not a problem, but let's try to get started in saving again." Wow!
My H has always been very concerned about the money we save. Until he left. I told him today my reasons (and excuses) for spending too much (in the beginning I panicked and bought many things for myself in case he took his paycheck away). He seems to understand and didn't get upset with me. And I don't feel guilty either! Which has always been a huge issue for me. Feeling guilty about doing things for myself. Those days are gone!!!
If anything good has come out of this mess, it's the fact that I have grown up some, and learned so much about myself. It has taught me to be the person I know that I am but was too afraid to show it to anyone.
Never change who you are for someone else. You become miserable and unhappy. Learn to compromise in certain things, but not your values or your integrity or your courage to be you.
I think I am attracting my H again by being the woman I was when we first met. That woman will never allow her voice to be squashed again!
Take care and happy Mother's Day to all you Moms!
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
Quote: But how long do I let this bit of limbo last? This patience stuff is way too hard!!
Limbo?! It sounds to me like you are making some INCREDIBLE progress in both your personal life, and your relationship!!
It's so tough to see when you're right in the middle of things, but from an outsider's point of view, you're probably exactly where you need to be right now, and heading in the right direction!
You listed SOOO many positives in this last post. I know how tough it is to keep waiting for more, to be where you really want to be, but I think that you're getting there. For my ownself, I'm finding it to be a long-term/lifetime project, but I'm thinking it will all be worth it at the end.
Keep going, my dear, and keep the changes in your life heading in this positive direction!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quote: Maybe its because H seems to be moving towards me again. Not sure. It's just this feeling that I don't have to panic anymore after he leaves or hangs up the phone.
WOW, is that something every single one of us who's H/W walked out can relate to. God how I remember those times. But, like you as I saw him slowly turning back towards me (even though he didn't really know that's what he was doing at the time), I too began to relax. As I look back on it now, I guess unconsciously, I knew that the phone calls and visits were going to continue even if infrequent so I was able to treat each call or visit with far less apprehension and neediness.
Your sitch sounds as if it's progressing just as it should and so, there's no rush for ANYTHING to happen today, because it will all happen one tomorrow.
Wow, how time flies when living in the Twilight Zone! I can't believe it's been a month since my last post!
I've been busy that last few weeks with a math class. It's a full semester class, but in half the time, so lots and lots of homework in a short amount of time. But I'm determined to earn my degree so I continue to move forward.
Things have been up and down in the R area. We all went to FL for a week (H included). We had a pretty good time. I didn't think H was really enjoying himself much, just tolerating. But once we got back he text'd me and said he had a great time.? Who knows. But it certainly didn't bring the two of us any closer. We slept in the same bed and that's all we did. My fault for having some kind of expectation. I dealt with it tho. We did have a heavy discussion one night, to the point of us both in tears and me feeling that this trip was the beginning of the end. Yet, the next am, he's hugging me and giving me a kiss. The same when we got home and he was getting ready to leave for his place (which he pointed out to me on the ride home).
Why now? Why show me now where he is staying? How many times have I asked? Doesn't make sense. Anyway, we have gone back to the status quo of him coming and calling every few days. He's coming over shortly to take us bowling. His suggestion after S7 was asking me about going and i gave an answer of yes, but not sure when. H piped up and said how about Tues? What's that about?
I just don't get him. I don't "do it" for him, yet he can't seem to quite let go. I told him again, that if he wants his freedom, he has to do the work. I will not do his dirty work for him.
Anyway, life has gone back to normal Twilight Zone mode and for now I guess I am ok with it. Still standing, getting tired, but still standing.
Trying to find things to do this summer so that I don't fall back into a depression like I did last summer. Don't want to go there again. Signed up S7 for swim lessons and I'm thinking about horse riding lessons for myself.
JJ, you are right, it's so hard to see the progress when you're right in the middle of it. I see it and yet wonder when I can feel that my H and I have reconnected and feel confident that we will survive this? I'm just tired of wondering where my R is going.
I know keep moving forward, keep looking forward, keep doing for myself and my boys.
Take care everyone, and I'd love to hear your comments and/or suggestions.
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
An expectation? Not really, more of a wish! 
My parents came down and I made Easter dinner, but the really cool part was that H came over too! My parents were glad to see him and I hope it made him see that they still care about him.
It sounds to me like you are making some INCREDIBLE progress in both your personal life, and your relationship!! 
My fault for having some kind of expectation. I dealt with it tho. We did have a heavy discussion one night, to the point of us both in tears and me feeling that this trip was the beginning of the end. Yet, the next am, he's hugging me and giving me a kiss. The same when we got home and he was getting ready to leave for his place (which he pointed out to me on the ride home).
What's that about?