I looked up my last post, since I knew it's been awhile since I've posted. Since July! I didn't realize its been that long. Sheesh! I will try to link my last thread, which was in Piecing, but fell off the radar. The first post has a long summary of what has happened. I'll condense it here.
M 8 yrs., OS 10yr (prev. M) and YS 7yr(H S) 7/02 things start going weird, H is very distant (after a family 2 wk holiday). We are hardly speaking, but the outside world sees nothing wrong. Beginning 8/02 I get the ILYBNILWY bomb, we are going around and around about the problems, me begging, pleading, saying it can be fixed; blah, blah, blah.
H leaves 8/11/02. My world falls apart. Contact is very sporadic until about Oct. We are talking a bit more, he's thinking about an apt. (he's not telling me where he lives), but doesn't get it. By Dec. we are doing things together with the boys. A week before X-mas he casually says as he's walking out the door that he'll come for X-mas Eve, stay the night, and maybe for good. He does. For all of 2 months. He's a blob on the couch, coming home late every night, leaving for work early mornings, sleeping on the couch.
Valentine's Day Eve (is there such a day? ) he leaves like a thief in the night. Left a note. So V-Day sucked for me. Didn't know what had happened, or when I'd here from him again.
I had picked up DR early on just after he moved out the first time, but had a really hard time implementing the ideas. By early Spring '03 we are on talking terms again, he's staying with kids so I can go back to school.
A possible OW, never have really gotten the whole story of their involvement, I try to pretend she doesn't exist.
We've been up and down, put he still seems to come back. Sort of like a bad penny . Is that a good sign?
Anyway, I've gotten a lot stronger, am telling him truths that I was afraid to say in the past. If he makes me mad, sad, happy, appreciative, I tell him. I am still going to school, he seems quite willing to help me all he can with childcare. I'm succeeding in not fixing everything for him.
Think he had a bit of a MLC, but not full blown. Think its him trying to deal with his own demons and things that he didn't deal with years ago.
I am getting kisses and hugs when he leaves here. With both of us initiating. Nothing more but am getting optimistic.
I got an e-mail from him trying to put his thoughts on paper, since they don't seem to come out of his mouth! Can't seem to talk about the emotionally things. But is trying. So I got this mail today letting me know what kinds of things bothered him, what he saw as the downward spiral of our marriage.
Mostly petty things, like me not doing dishes, or cleaning house often, or not paying bills on his schedule. We have really started the process, but I know he's really afraid of how to go forward with all this.
And he's asked me to go to dinner with him for V-Day (although it won't be ON V-day since he'll be out of town). But HE ASKED ME!! That is a big, big deal. It's always me asking him to do things and its always with the kids. We haven't really dated, not now, not even in the beginning. (That's a long story too)
Anyway, any suggestions as to how to proceed? Should I suggest we start seeing a C? He was seeing one that he said he liked last spring but stopped going. I thought about suggesting to go see him. Any thoughts?
It's hard to believe we've been at this limbo thing for a year and a half. Never thought I'd be putting up with this for so long. Must really love the man. Not sure why sometimes.
He now wants me to answer his letter, kind of give him the things I saw as being the problems in our M, then he wants us to actually sit and TALK
Ok, so I don't condense well!! I will try to figure out how to connect my old threads. We'll see if I can figure it out. I feel bad though because I've been lurking for a long time but haven't responded.
Has anyone ever felt that the words that came to mind for someone's sitch, just didn't seem to want to be written? I've had that problem, will try to correct it! This site really has saved me from the deep dark depression I found myself falling into after this all started.
Any comments or questions, please put them forward. I would love to hear them!
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
Just read your new post and skimmed through the old thread you linked to. As ever, there are so many similarities to my situation.
When your H left and you didn't know where he was living, and hardly took any money out of your account, I can guess he was staying with OW. Also explains why he didn't want to commit to getting his own apartment - why would he need to?
When my H dropped the bomb, he also dropped me in the financial shi$, saying that after six months of paying the mortgage only, I would be on my own! I was a stay at home Mum! So your H was more reasonable at least on that front. I had to go see a lawyer and get a legal separation agreement drawn up to ensure that H supported D and self. We've come a long way since then (April 03), where we finally got legally separated this week, but H assured me that he would always be there for D and I on the financial front, until I had sorted things out from my end.
It is great news that he wants to go out to dinner with you for V day.
My advice to you would be to stay on course with your own independent life, stay pleasant and validating with H whenever you are together, let him do the bulk of the pursuing, maintain a little mystery, and keep patient!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Thanks Livnlearn, for responding, I'm going to read thru your thread. I am also a stay at home mom and was in panic mode for several months after H left. But he's never done anything with his paycheck, so I still get it in our joint acct. and am paying all the bills with it.
But the big news today is that H sent me a dozen roses!!
I was absolutely shocked! And close to tears, since I had no idea whatsoever he was going to get me anything. This time last year he was plotting his escape. He knows roses are my favorite. They are red, white and pink and oh so lovely! Can you tell I'm excited?
I called his cell phone, had to leave a message, but thanked him for the flowers, how beautiful they were, and that we'd talk when he got back from his business trip.
How do I not get too overboard with these things from him? First he asks me to a VDay dinner after he gets back, sends an e-mail actually putting some feelings down on paper, then the very next day I get flowers. Wow! All of a sudden I feel a bit overwhelmed.
Glad, actually that I won't be seeing him for a few days yet. Then I can get past the initial shock and awe, then be back to myself by the time I see him again!
What now??
JL
Life is not measured in the breaths we take, but in the moments that take our breath away...
JL..glad you are back...TAKE IT SLOW...if you want to go for dinner..go, but no expectations..let him start any r talks..see what he really wants from the m..but keep taking care of you and your kids..sounds like he needs to sort out alot..do what your heart tells you..keep us posted
Quote: He now wants me to answer his letter, kind of give him the things I saw as being the problems in our M, then he wants us to actually sit and TALK
JL,
I just wanted to reply, hang in there this is a long road to peicing everything back together.
As far as getting your thoughts together on what you saw as problems, I suggest looking at an emotional needs questionare to get your thoughts started. Click here: Emotional needs and read each emotional needs and fill out the questionare. It give you an idea on both the things he does for you and the things you need him to do.
When talking about it be sure to also (and probably start) with the things his does that are good currently, then what he did that was good, then go to the things he hasn't done that you need. Since he already wrote you his stuff, I don't know that its necessary for him to fill out. But its a great sign because men like to "fix things" and I take this letter and willingness to talk to try and fix the R.
A reminder about this as well. There may be things that you feel you cannot do or will be difficult. This is a time to come together and barging for what is common between you and want you can trade to meet eachothers more important needs.
nikatnight has a thread where we are talking about this, maybe if you post his stuff he thinks needs to be changed as well as your we can give you tips to make things happen and be better. Focus with him on eventually coming up with specifics on what you both can do to change those problems. Much like DB action oriented goals.
Good luck.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
Hi JL. Good to see you back and in piecing. It's wonderful to hear that your H may be having an awakening.
I agree with everyone else to take it slow and not get your expectations up. But it does sound like things may be going in the right direction for you. It's great that your H is approaching you.
I'm saying a prayer for you that things will work out.
Hi..JL..just checking in to see how your weekend went..hope ok..keep believing in yourself and your strength...it is amazing what we actually can handle when thrown our way.
I didn't realize its been that long. Sheesh! I will try to link my last thread, which was in Piecing, but fell off the radar. The first post has a long summary of what has happened. I'll condense it here.
He does. For all of 2 months. He's a blob on the couch, coming home late every night, leaving for work early mornings, sleeping on the couch.
) he leaves like a thief in the night. Left a note. So V-Day sucked for me. Didn't know what had happened, or when I'd here from him again.
but am getting optimistic.
That is a big, big deal. It's always me asking him to do things and its always with the kids. We haven't really dated, not now, not even in the beginning. (That's a long story too)
