I have been thinking that I could never respect her decision to not try. I would never understand how you could pass up that chance when you see the commitment level the other person has, and when the only thing it costs you is time. There has to be a mighty big pile of resentment there. And it's so easy to just fill that need from OM. I have to watch myself on this one. Man, human psychology ain't easy, is it.
Here you are talking as if she was in her right mind. She's not. And I don't think the WAW in multiple affairs is impressed about the commitment level of her LBH. If you are committed, it has to be b/c you are the kind of man who does the right thing. If you are doing it as a message or picture to your WAW, you might as well be banging your head against a brick wall. The mental condition she is in, prevents her appreciating your loyalty.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree about W not being entirely in her right mind. I had an old friend of hers ask me the other day if I thought W was on drugs, she is so out of character.
There is no doubt about me being the kind of person who does the right thing. I have no doubt whatsoever that my W knows that. She knows this isn't a show, it's the real me. In fact, she's counting on it. She's counting on me to stand by her until she can financially afford to flee. She is knowingly abusing my good nature right now. She's counting on my loyalty, but doesn't value it as a trait.
W said to friend last week: "H still wants to reconcile. He's deluded. Doesn't he get that I'm done?" Loyalty confuses her.
But I stand by my quote. If she's sane enough to tell MC that "working on the M would take a leap of faith", then she's sane enough to make the decision to try or to not try. And W's even said she has resentment to deal with. So I'd say she knows at some level that she has a problem and a choice. So I don't have a problem holding her responsible to some degree. But there is nothing compelling her to deal with those right now.
Unfortunately, I don't think her T is giving her any tools to help her with resentment other than suggesting D. This may be why she has some interest in talking to MC, because MC was at odds with her T. Of course, W may be just looking for confirmation.
I don't know... I'll get a read from SIL at the end of W's vacation... it may be worth cultivating the MC again. I may go see MC while W is on vacation to see what MC thinks. MC said it was kind of pointless for her to be in MC until she makes some decisions.
W will be leaving early Friday morning with kids on vacation for 2 weeks to her mom's place.
She has been asking for weeks for the last 12 months of bank statements because she thinks I am hiding money. I've been reluctant to fork them over, because a) it's an affront, and b) she'll share them all over the place.
I've printed out a set of them to take with her to satisfy herself, because a) it will take that ridiculous reason for "not trusting me" away so I don't have to hear it anymore, and b) it all comes out in the filing anyway, if I go that route. I'm beyond caring what posse thinks anymore.
I also printed out the last 12 months of cashflow - spending by category. It kind of made my blood boil to see what we are spending on. When I took a hard look at it, except for losing half my assets, from a cashflow position, I'm better off without my W, even taking into account alimony and child support. She is just plain irresponsible. I'm really sorry I didn't address this much earlier in our M. Some good money fights would have done us good.
Anyway, if she's smart, and adds up the insurance, mortgage, taxes, utilities, she'll quickly see she can't afford the house. (Her current thinking is she'll keep the house and let me have my 401Ks.)
Still wondering what to say to her as she leaves, knowing full well how generally ineffective words are. I'm thinking I'll just encourage her to turn her cell phone off for 2 weeks, and enjoy the solitude.
I considered the ultimatum route, but I don't want to jeopardize my upcoming vacation (hopefully with the kids). And that would be controlling, and I don't do that anymore. The only thing I have left to control is when close the door.
Everything I have done in the last 8 months has been to make me better, and everything she has done in the last 8 months has been to sabotage the M and drive the wedge deeper. No use telling her that, either. Happy not to be living in the hole she's dug, and the lie she's living. I can't image abandoning all my core values. What's left after that?
It will be very relaxing for the next 2 weeks with just me and the dog. I must smoke a shoulder and have some people over while I have the place to myself.
Yes, I have a wonderful 4 shelf gas smoker, and a friend with an orchard who brings me apple logs. Every once in a while, I sit with a hatchet and log and make chips. (It's therapy.)
Rub up a shoulder the night before, then throw it on at about 6AM. Refill the water tray and chip tray every couple of hours. By 5PM you have some fine pulled pork.
Regarding what to say to your W before she leaves, and the idea of telling her to turn off her cell phone. Why do you think it's your place to tell her what to do? Why do you think she will do what you state you think she should do?
MYOB and work on your own side, let her do what she feels she needs to do on hers. The less you say the better off you'll be.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Yes, I have a wonderful 4 shelf gas smoker, and a friend with an orchard who brings me apple logs. Every once in a while, I sit with a hatchet and log and make chips. (It's therapy.)
Rub up a shoulder the night before, then throw it on at about 6AM. Refill the water tray and chip tray every couple of hours. By 5PM you have some fine pulled pork.
(no way W ever gets the smoker)
Sounds glorious! I have a cheapie Brinkman vertical Wal-Mart special that the fetching Mrs. Starsky bought me for Fathers Day a few years ago. I had to do a bunch of mods to it just to make it even WORK well, but I do have it down to a science now, albeit a very high-maintenance one. I pretty much just do ribs and wings in there, as longer smokes -- shoulder for pulled pork or a beef brisket -- would take 6-12 hours and more TLC than even I would care to give it.
I just do ribs doing the ol' "3-2-1" method . . . 3 hours in the smoker, 2 hours foiled in the oven, and 1 hour (more like 20 minutes, actually) back on my gas grill to crisp 'em up and bbq sauce 'em at the end. I do apply the rub the night before and let 'em marinate in the fridge, tho.
