HI T2 & Matt ~~ AND THATS EXACTLY WHY I DIDNT DO IT!!
T2~~ Yep, its serious hard work pulling myself away from the very thing I thought I wanted & was getting (I see that I am not)... therefore I give up. I am putting it out to God & the universe what I do want. Focusing on what I do want & not what I don't have.
He is not using me, he is not getting the milk or the cow, not putting ice cream on his plate... from me!
Matt ~~ Thank you for taking the time to put in a long post & your feelings (means a lot to me to hear from a guys perspective). Some of your comments resonate with me:
>>> Part of me thought "Well, maybe once we start doing that, she will see that she really wants ME, not him". That thought was what stopped me! I realized I didn't want "just" sex from her or anyone else. I have much more to offer someone than a roll in the sack! I may have enjoyed the act. It would have felt really good but I knew it would NEVER be enough. I wanted someone who wanted ME, ALL of me. <<<< THIS is how I feel. I too have wayyy more to offer someone. I am a whole package deal, not just the bits & pieces you want to "borrow". I don't want just sex from him or anyone else. That is what I actually said on Friday (did you see that?)
>>> If he can do this after all the years you have been together it is him that has the problem. << I don't know HOW he can just say that/think that. Is it a "guy" thing? Trying me on to see if I'd fall for it? (cuz the old MM normally gives him what he wants, especially when he punishes me with his withdrawal and anger)
>>> Stop being afraid of being alone or losing what you have now because what you have now is hurting you and holding you back! << what I have now, is a shell of a person I used to think so highly of.
>>>Don't you see how his game playing is causing you to question your own self worth? He is playing you and by letting him you are starting to believe his crap about you not being enough! You think that if this guy who you've been with for so long doesn't think you are "good enough" than maybe you're not. This is how abusers work. This is how they get to their victims. Stop believing his crap and see him for what he is, NOT WORTHY OF YOU!! It actually hurts to read some of your posts because I see you buying into his game. <<<< THIS really bothers me. I have been questioning my own self worth & have been working on it (thank god), because now I can stand up & say NO !!! I like that you feel he is NOT WORTHY OF ME!! I will try that on!! Since Friday, I am no longer buying his game. There has been nothing more said or implied. I am not asking questions or commenting or showing any reaction/feeling. If anything, I am appalled/insulted and am arguing it out in my own head. I will not give him the satisfaction of anymore of me.
He is LUCKY to have me in his life... I provide a HeLL of a lot of things to his life, he needs to recognize. I guess the only way he will is when its gone. I have not wanted to be "gone" for him. I have been afraid to let go fearing that I may not be able to come back if I fully left. If I go & he comes back & I am not there... his problem. I tried the best I could to wait & be patient. BUT THIS IS ENOUGH.
>> You aren't interested in what he has told me he is willing to give <<< BINGO!! >>He needs to know in no uncertain terms that you aren't interested in what he is offering. <<<< I AM TRULY NOT INTERESTED IN 1/4 a package. I want the whole meal!
>>>By trying to leave the door open just in case he see's the error of his ways and suddenly changes his mind and wants more is counter productive and is sending the wrong message at this time. I know what you are trying to do as I have tried to do the same with my W. The problem in your case is that until he see's that you will be totally gone, he will always think he can have you on his terms. <<< I am ready!! I am closing the door, not even a crack. I want him to have the CLEAR message "MM is not a toy". I was prepared to consider "exclusive dating", but where were the dates/efforts???? It quickly got reduced to "casual exclusive sex & companionship". I need to know more ways to shut the door & to barricade it... I totally want to be GONE from his "easy to catch view"... He has it ALL wrong!!
>>> If he was a real man he would stop using you, your shared history and the fact that you love him for his own gratification! <<< TRUE!!!
Thanks again Matt!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
He is not using me, he is not getting the milk or the cow, not putting ice cream on his plate... from me!
Then why hasn't he formalized your business partnership? Why has he been dragging his feet there? He wouldn't be able to get away with that with someone else, who wasn't interested in a R with him, for very long... No cow bought there.
Maybe because until recently, he KNEW you wanted the R, so he USED that to hold you off.
You offer knowing the business, all you contribute with the bookkeeping, clients, etc. And he doesn't have to pony up much of anything...not even a regular paycheck if I understand correctly... what a DEAL for him! Almost free milk...
Plus, you are probably eye-candy for the male clients, AND him. Having a hot assistant/associate feeds some guys' egos, makes them look like alpha males to other guys. Plus, he got direct ego-kibbles from you, until recently...That's quite the scoop of ice cream.
So, how is that taking advantage of the sitch NOT using you???
From this guy's point of view, he is using you, with or without the s3x considerations...
And this guy also thinks you can do MUCH better than xbf.
Last edited by TSquared2; 06/16/1408:39 PM.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
He is not using me, he is not getting the milk or the cow, not putting ice cream on his plate... from me!
Then why hasn't he formalized your business partnership? Why has he been dragging his feet there? He wouldn't be able to get away with that with someone else, who wasn't interested in a R with him, for very long... No cow bought there.
Maybe because until recently, he KNEW you wanted the R, so he USED that to hold you off.
You offer knowing the business, all you contribute with the bookkeeping, clients, etc. And he doesn't have to pony up much of anything...not even a regular paycheck if I understand correctly... what a DEAL for him! Almost free milk...
Plus, you are probably eye-candy for the male clients, AND him. Having a hot assistant/associate feeds some guys' egos, makes them look like alpha males to other guys. Plus, he got direct ego-kibbles from you, until recently...That's quite the scoop of ice cream.
So, how is that taking advantage of the sitch NOT using you???
From this guy's point of view, he is using you, with or without the s3x considerations...
And this guy also thinks you can do MUCH better than xbf.
As another guy who's been following along, I agree with all that ^^^^.
My own thread, it seems to really be reflected in mm.
It's true, I guess I was just the connivence who went with the flow. If things weren't flowing h way, then every one gets squashed. He feels no obligations what so ever after 11years, yet will blame manipulate and spew as he's is 100% the victim.
I'm guessing I will be better off and so will you mm.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Yesterday, we were discussing having a personal legal agreement that states most all the mediated agreement, until it can be formalized into a legal business partnership. Within this convo we were discussing exit strategies & he said "possibly when you & your rich new boyfriend (projecting)"... Now, normally I would jump in and say "oh, is that what you want??". Yesterday, I didn't say that. I also didn't analyze what he means when he says this. It just bugged me & I let it go.
He seemed more willing to discuss partnership & that he wants me to still be a partner as we have a good thing going........ DUNNO
Will discuss more about the business today.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
he said "possibly when you & your rich new boyfriend (projecting)"
He baited for a reaction. Either ignore his jab or look dead serious and say, "Let's keep this strictly on a business level". If he makes another inappropriate remark, you turn and leave, or show him the door. Do not reply, clarify or try to explain any statements of that caliber.
I would be leery of him wanting a personal agreement. I see it as another stall. Isn't that what you've had all these years? You trusted his personal agreement in the past, and look how that turned out. Be careful, Magic.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm not sure why he occasionally does that... but, he didn't get my usual reaction that normally says "oh? is that what you want for me/us??". I ignored it.
As for the personal agreement, it will have to do. It is not his "stall" but an actual real delay. It will be a legal agreement and it is full of the mediated stuff we previously agreed too. I knew on mediation day, this was the position... As we are not able to officially make it a corporate agreement because of complications that we are not prepared for...yet. We need to be better organized. We agree that when we are in a better managed position, it will be fully processed into partnership of this company or start another and that will be written into the personal agreement. Which ever makes more sense. Its complicated. But, at least a personal agreement is something I can waive around "IF" he should lose his head & become an angry/stupid "ass".
His personal agreement in the past was NEVER on paper...this is a start & something I can likely bank on... Im sure having something on paper shows intent, if I should EVER need to push it..... correct? Will ask this of a lawyer.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Good work on not reacting MM! He was once again, seeing if he still can control you. This guy must think he is the world's greatest lover from the sounds of it! That was a jab at you, MM. Like you NEED a rich boyfriend. You can take care of yourself, thank you. This guy sounds more and more like a misogynist of the first order. He is well aware that you bring value to this business and if he wants to have you as a partner that means just that, business partner, 50/50 (and forget about ever getting anything "extra" because he is such a great lover!).
I'm not sure why he occasionally does that... but, he didn't get my usual reaction that normally says "oh? is that what you want for me/us??". I ignored it.
As for the personal agreement, it will have to do. It is not his "stall" but an actual real delay. It will be a legal agreement and it is full of the mediated stuff we previously agreed too. I knew on mediation day, this was the position... As we are not able to officially make it a corporate agreement because of complications that we are not prepared for...yet. We need to be better organized. We agree that when we are in a better managed position, it will be fully processed into partnership of this company or start another and that will be written into the personal agreement. Which ever makes more sense. Its complicated.
Is it?? Or do you two MAKE it needlessly complicated?
I'm not a stupid man, and I'll admit that I joined your sitch midstream, but I have never understood EXACTLY what kind of business it is you two have (just know it's auto-related), and why it's so bloody "complicated." I've long felt that you two make it into rocket science, but perhaps that's unfair.
Can you give me the Reader's Digest version of what it is you two do?
