I was addicted to Internet porn for most of my life after the upper teens. She didn't know at all about this. I took a very long amount of time off during R, but started again. I put myself in her shoes from her POV, and realized how it made her feel worthless and betrayed. I was using it to make a fantasy of what I wanted, or thought I wanted for sex. Once again afraid to tell my wife that I needed it to feel good about me, and our R. I found that I don't need it to just feel good. It's the connection that made it feel good, and that's not just sex, it was how we looked at each other, and how we felt closer to each other. You can have that outside of sex, but you have to be open about your feelings and what you want.
It's hard to look back and see how our M was more like friends than lovers for so long. You let kids, school, work, family, and everything get above the M and it falls apart. Forgetting to take care of each other both together and separately. Now is the time for just me. I am very excited today, during marriage. I was up to 298lbs at my heaviest, today I weigh 258lbs. I don't even remember how long it's been since that has been the case. Makes me feel like if I try and put in the effort anything can be done. I can't believe how depressed and just blah I have been for so long. Hard not to share with the W, but she hasn't asked so I don't tell. She has to see it though, 40 lbs basically is like loosing a limb!!
