Sex was great, then we married?

[labug]

"It sounds like the consensus is that my marriage is going to be a clinical sex-starved marriage and I simply have to deal with it. I don't think I can."

So much for your big talk about understanding that M isn't all about sex. Now she's sick with potential side effects so you're going to leave her because she's flawed. You do understand that if the roles were reversed, you would be singing a different tune.

And let's face it. It's VERY early in your situation. You don't know what you will have to deal with. Talk to her about your concerns but from a position of loving. If she senses that you're going to leave if she can't have sex, that will shut everything down.

Print this out and put it where you'll see it several times/day.

[Grey]

I just got back to the board and this boat is still where I left it.


Wife went to doc and got on Cymbalta.


Wife has "very bad, very painful" neuropathy from...


WIFE HAD CANCER.
Went through a rapid surgical menopause..
--------------------------------

In your wife's shoes, I'd be depressed as hell. Especially if my new, younger husband was getting a bird's eye view of the ugly side of getting older that we all face.

She is in constant, severe pain (I have nerve pain from a back injury and I'll tell you, it does not bring out the vixen in me.)

Just because she can put on a happy face around you does NOT mean she isn't seriously depressed.

A True Story:
My mother went to see a shrink at my urging, laughed and charmed her way through the entire appointment, he says my concerns are unfounded... The next day I get a call that she tried to end her life in a gas-filled garage.
She then ended up in a hospital getting the treatment she needed.

Your wife might be just as depressed, not seeing any reason to keep going, and you're worried that the Cymbalta will affect her sex drive?
I can bet that under the circumstances, she really must need this drug if she knows it will decrease her drive even more.

I'm projecting, but I suspect your wife has been downplaying all she's going through because she doesn't want to lose you.

I am not hearing much compassion on your end and that disturbs me.
It sounds like all your wining and dining is just to get her in the sack...it's been a week and instead of chilling out, you're getting more wound up about your sex life.

It's pressure, pressure, and more pressure.

How fearful should your wife be that you will leave her if you can't get her to fix it on your timetable?

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's coming off like you really don't care much about what she's going through. It doesn't sound like unconditional love right now.
It really hasn't been all that long. You're not gonna die.

Stop thinking of yourself if you can.
Take a breath.


---GG

I'm sorry if it's coming off that way, but yes, I do care about her.

It's interesting to think about how people would respond if she was here to put in her point of view. But she's not depressed. Let's start with that.

Talked to her more last night just about that part, it does have more to do with her diabetic pain, plus other diabetic issues she's pending for seeing an endocrinologist to address the hormone side.

Of course, they can't see her for at least another month.



I'm just going to state this again to see if it holds, just for the sake of the argument to see what the next step I need to take should be; Our marriage is very good, my wife is very happy, she just doesn't want to have sex. She's too tired, now from Cymbalta adding to it much worse, for example.

The problem is I still want to have sex. Often I'm ok. In fact, usually it's fine. But sometimes it gets very, very stressfull and difficult to simply stay happy with the idea that this is the way it has to be for now and to just wait and wait and wait. Am I impatient? No. But that doesn't mean it isn't ok for it to completely suck that neither me or my wife knows why she doesn't want to have sex with me anymore.

So my therapist sends me home with 5 books yesterday, I read one of them cover to cover, they all seem to say the things I'm doing right. Meanwhile, there seems to be a prevalent assumption here that I'm simply still doing something wrong. I don't know how to convince anyone on that, and ironically I'm not even sure if my wife could either, no matter how close to the truth it might be.

[Starsky309]

Meanwhile, there seems to be a prevalent assumption here that I'm simply still doing something wrong. I don't know how to convince anyone on that, and ironically I'm not even sure if my wife could either, no matter how close to the truth it might be.

Maybe it's because if you were doing everything right, you'd be getting better results?

DBing is all about "Do what works," at its core. So the corollary to that would be "If it's NOT working, do something different" . . . no?


Starsky

[DaddyLongShanks]

OK. so maybe "not depressed". Whatever.

What difference does it make?

I talk to you about trying to see things from her point of view, more than once. I've been there, I have some idea...

You say you "care about her" and I have no doubt that you do.
But this is quickly followed by "But what about ME???"

Can you see where I'm going with this?

You really don't seem to be thinking about her, except in relation to what she can do to fulfill your needs at the moment.

And.... tag me. I'm out.

---GG

GG,

I see you are an 9 year age gap with you the younger. I was wondering how that is working out and if there is any points of contention?

Thanks.

For all the sexless my only question is when you are near your deathbed, do you want to look back on your life and realize your spouse or long term relation partner "blocked" you from X years of a descent sex and intimacy in life or not?

[GoatGal]

OK. so maybe "not depressed". Whatever.

What difference does it make?

I talk to you about trying to see things from her point of view, more than once. I've been there, I have some idea. I feel like you haven't listened to a word I've said other than find a way to discount it because you know better.
I know you know her and I don't. But you're not "a woman of a certain age" either. Don't think for a moment that doesn't play into this.

And I wouldn't even say that except that you shared she'd had cancer that required a hysterectomy (?), diabetes with peripheral neuropathy... and some other telling things.
You want things to be "like they were". Well, they're not. That's marriage.

Things happen, people get sick, they make mistakes, they change, life throws a curveball---and that's where the sheep are separated from the goats.

Which is why we're all here.
(Now, whether we're sheep or goats is up for grabs, but I'm going with goats because they make their own decisions, whereas sheep flock like fish. But I digress. Again.)

You say you "care about her" and I have no doubt that you do.
But this is quickly followed by "Yeah. Ok... But what about ME???"

Can you see where I'm going with this?

You really don't seem to be thinking about her, except in relation to what she can do to fulfill your needs at the moment.

And.... tag me. I'm out.

---GG