You mean to tell me that your W is a physical touch LL and you're addicted to porn? Man... did you miss out.
I'm a quality time. Physical touch is a VERY close second for me. So, let me illuminate this for you: You violated her. When you use something else to satisfy your physical needs... instead of meeting HER LOVE NEEDS in the process... *shakes her head* I HATED my H for that. With a seething passion, hated him. I would have done ANYTHING to feel seen for even five seconds when we were intimate because it wasn't about SEX for me... it was about LOVE. That's why she was willing to stoop so low as to leave the porn on. She was desperate and so demeaned and so steeped in self-loathing... if she had to leave that on, put on an act, bleach her hair, starve herself, do anything for the hope that you'd see HER for a fraction of that time... that she could have a couple SECONDS when she could feel you connected... she'd do it.
You can't imagine how horribly betrayed a woman who needs physical touch feels when she can no long physically connect with her partner. When she feels like she's not going to be seen. That she's just a replacement for porn. That she's just an object, a c#m catcher. That you don't want her, you just want to get off. That you don't love her and you're just trying to shut her up or you're sexually frustrated. That she's going to be compared to something she can't live up to, something fake and contrived and not real and vulnerable and in need of love. JUST THE THOUGHT that you might be thinking of someone or something else when you f-ck her... instead of MAKING LOVE TO HER - which is what she needs from sex - is enough for her to be disgusted by you. You perverted the very thing your W needs to feel loved by you. That is not an easy fix, my friend. Any time you get the sense that she's receptive to you holding her hand or brushing the hair from her face, you better do it.
I don't want you to think that every physical affection girl needs every intimate interaction to be a great romance. I, too, hate porn with all the fires of Hades. But I have a pretty kink side. But I can't feel sexually liberated if I feel like my partner is using porn as an opening act. I don't need an opening act. I can warm up the "crowd" myself, thank you very much. My H has tried to indulge my kinky side a bit but always gets it wrong. Because physical affection is so very, very high for me on the LL scale - really alternates with time for first pick - I need to feel loved and SEEN in the majority of physically intimate moments or I will hate him for trying to get kinky and f-ck me. There's a strange sort of "I must feel *this loved* for you to ride this ride," requirement. If that ain't met... don't freakin' touch me, you insensitive b@st@rd. Personally, my H will probably never get it totally right because words are a really high score for me, too, and he's quiet in bed. Just so you know, if words of affirmation are in play for your wife and you're not tell her that you love her and she's gorgeous in bed... you're short changing both of you. Nothing gets me off quicker than those rare times when my H has been fully present and told me sweet things in bed.
Now... My H is not physical. It's the lowest scored LL for him. Between that and his porn addiction things got so bad that I found that there would be WEEKS with no one touching me. He doesn't even hold hands. You can't imagine how horribly, soul-crushingly painful and agonizing that is. I was touch starved for years. And I hated him for it. Being a fiercely loyal sort, I started going to massage therapy and spending money on pedicures to try and fill some of the emptiness. I was so depressed. So resentful. But I tell you, this is how affairs happen. There is nothing more dangerous than a touch starved, physical affection LL WAW. I don't want you panicking and freaking out... but d@mn it, you better lay off the porn permanently and take any opportunities she gives you to be affectionate toward her. The next time you kiss her, there better be fireworks. If her toes don't tingle... *shakes her head*
My H realizes now how stupid he was. He enjoys sex a lot, but it's just not a LOVE thing for him. When I finally got him to realize that he could have ended every single argument we ever had with, "You. Bed. Now!" he felt so idiotic. He missed out on a wonderful life. I wanted him to get his sorry a$$ home from work by 7 every day, tell me the dinner I cooked was fantastic, snuggled up behind me in the middle of the living room, wrap his arms and legs around me, put his hands over mine, and teach me to play video games, make out with me, take me to bed, and f-ck into the mattress every. single. night. And he missed it. Because he's an idiot.
If you get a chance to show her you love her... don't be an idiot. Don't miss out. Most men would kill to have a physical touch W.
If she hasn't read it already, there's not much you can do to get her to read 5LL right now. WHEN things improve, give her her own copy and tell her you want to understand her better so you can know what you need to do so that she never feels unloved or unwanted again. Tell her you want to read it together. But I don't know that now is the time for that.
Seriously, back off her family right now. Speak warmly of them if they come up... but back off. That's HER support group, not yours. If you've made your intentions to try to save your R with her known to them... that's more than enough. That is one area I would definitely give her space for now. And lay off this thing about her sister. You're really just hurt because she's spending time with her sister and you're a quality time person. Well, it's her sister... duh. They grew up together. Of course she's going to spend time with her right now. She's feeling vulnerable. Your sister-in-law does not hold absolute power over the fate of your marriage - even if she hated you, she doesn't have that kind of power. Let it go.
