Hi everyone. First of all, I did try and post something a couple of days ago, but it never appeared. I don't know if it needs to be approved or if it got lost. Anyway ...
I’m an old dog seeking a new trick and I need some help and advice.
It’s been 3 weeks since I received the ILYBINILWY. It hasn’t been my favourite 3 weeks ( *** understatement by British man alert *** ).
We have been together for almost 21 years. We have been married for almost 8. We have 2 boys, 14 & 12. I have been working away from home during the week for a little over 2 years returning home for the weekend. She has recently started a new job in the same town as we live which she loves. Previous jobs have been unfulfilling.
I have been spending half my nights in the past 3 weeks reading about psychology, relationship breakdown / repair mainly on the psychology today website. After reading all this in the first week, I returned home hopeful that we could work it out some way. Nope. She is firm.
W has been seeing a therapist for a few months (which surprised me, although she says she did tell me) and also knows quite a bit about it as she did some counselling training years ago. She is not interested in going to marriage counselling. She has made her mind up. She says this relationship has now run it’s course. She has moved on but I have become stagnant and that I am quite happy just plodding along happy and contented to let her lead.
I saw counsellor a couple of days ago who recommended DB. I’ve read the first chapter online and ordered the book. It’s a good job I came on here to find out more, or I would have updated my wife about my progress.
We have actually had good ‘grown up’ talks since the bomb the first for a while. It has certainly snapped my out of despondency, but I fear it’s too late.
She says she is up for continuing in an unconventional marriage for the time being, still living as a family, but not as a couple. We are sharing the same bed when I’m back at the weekend, but no physical contact is allowed.
The kids don’t know. Other family members don’t know. I’ve told a couple of close friends and my flatmates (a couple) where I stay in the week. They have been fantastic and really supportive - they ‘do the AA 12 steps’. With their help, my counsellor, self analysis, reading about ‘mindfulness’, I am trying my best to be positive but it’s hard to know what to do. I don’t want our marriage to end.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
I understand GAL. I've been thinking my life is so dull for months before this. I was just passively waiting for the day I could go home (my job is 180m away).
It's the detach bit I'm not sure about. I'm still waiting for the DB book to arive, I presumed there's something in there. What I'm not clear about (actually that's just about everything right now) is how detached? Do I not talk about it with her? Do I move out? I don't think that's what it means as I've seen other advice saying don't do that. At least I'm still at home at weekends. How do I act? Just getting through the day is an acheivement at the moment.
Despite not being very good at communicating while we've been apart for 2 years with me working away, I feel the need to call her now, but I know she won't be offering any comfort. What a mess. I can't think straight about a lot of this.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
It's the detach bit I'm not sure about. I'm still waiting for the DB book to arive, I presumed there's something in there. What I'm not clear about (actually that's just about everything right now) is how detached? Do I not talk about it with her? Do I move out? I don't think that's what it means as I've seen other advice saying don't do that. At least I'm still at home at weekends. How do I act? Just getting through the day is an acheivement at the moment.
I am 'the sort of person who has taken a back seat throughout much of your marriage'. I am known for having quiet days. More of this later.
I have been crying a lot, and in front of her, but not in front of the children. I have been banned from disturbing her if she is sleeping (we still share the same bed) by my attention seeking misery as she is also dog tired from being on call 24/7 with the children. I have to do this becuase 'she can't stop, have a breakdown, she has to carry on regardless for the sake of the children' and all this time 'I'm away without a care in the world during the week'.
Of course I have indulged in a lot of 'whys', 'if onlys' and 'what ifs' with her. But she has remained calm and resolute re-iterating her decision that the relationship - and she's careful to say not me - doesn't work work for her any longer.
Apparently I will make a very good partner next time for someone who can put up with my lack of emotional connection, passion and drive. Hmmm! She said the relationship worked for her in the past, enabled her to have a stable base to build on, but now she needs more.
And on top of this I am expected to play the good dad even though I am hurting inside. How does anyone get through this?
I fear 'going dark' for me would just be seen as more self indulgent introversion. I have been kind of going dark for the last 6 months when she got an infecton that prevented us having sex; which had become a chore for her anyway. She got some medication and I asked the next week how she was. The response was 'why do you want to know when you can sex again'? I didn't ask again. I waited and waited, over Xmas, New Year, Valentine's Day, her birthday, my birthday. Nothing. Not even the slightest hint of affection and I became resentful. Sigh.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Now a few things I think I have discoverd about myself.
In the early 90's after a previous girlfriend left me, I went to counceling and learnt I was passive aggressive. I didn't think that much of it at the time. I talked and talked for years with my councelor, but didn't really feel that much different when I left. I was, however able to get over it, fall into this relationship, buy a house together, have children and move to a different part of the country.
In the past 3 weeks however I have discovered a lot more about relationships and personalities and judging from what she says and what I have found, I believe I have a dependent personality. I can readily identify with some of these traits and feel I know know exactly when and where they started. This was when my parents moved the family to a place I absolutely loathed and I was left 'alone' to get on with it. I obviously learnt these 'skills' which enabled me to survive, but which affected my ability to have a close relationship with people.
So this makes absolute sense as she was always the driver in the relationship. She has passion, drive and is high motivated. I think she feels she has lost some of that and I wants to regain it. Having this new job (which I found for her by the way) has reinvogorated her as well.
But now being with me in this long distance relationship, taking a back seat, though willingly going along with what she wants to do, has drained her life force. She say we'll both be better off: we exist quite happily away from each other during the week and I never even bothered phoning. That is so, but I said there hasn't been a day when I've gone to bed alone and woke up alone wishing I was back at home. All too little, too late.
Rambling over for a while. I feel I'm in danger of just going on and on about it instead of doing something about it.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
In the past 3 weeks however I have discovered a lot more about relationships and personalities and judging from what she says and what I have found, I believe I have a dependent personality. I can readily identify with some of these traits and feel I know know exactly when and where they started. This was when my parents moved the family to a place I absolutely loathed and I was left 'alone' to get on with it. I obviously learnt these 'skills' which enabled me to survive, but which affected my ability to have a close relationship with people.
What are your plans for addressing this?
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
