What to do II

[claire7]

Ben,
It's true that she may not wish to stay married to you. We all are here to try to avoid that, but also have to acknowledge that is a possibility. But if that happens... does that mean you won't need to make these changes in yourself? You are young.. you will have other relationships (maybe with your W, or with someone else). The changes are for YOU in order to allow you be more successful in your next R (and in other parts of your life, in general).

Relationships may come and go. .. but you are stuck with you! What kind of YOU do you want to be? That is what you must work on. That is the only thing you have control over. And thank goodness, because it is the most important thing.

Good luck.

[Ben2010]

Well from this point on I will have faith that our M will work out and not even entertain that it will not. I will be a better person in the end either way, but I honestly do think that she and I will start a "renewed" M that will be great. That is not to say that I will not let her go if it comes to that, but I will face that if it happens. Youre right the only thing I do have control over is me. Im doing stuff right now to make me feel better about myself. I feel that eventually she will come around. She is avoiding the issue totally right now because she doesnt really have to face it. She could sit in limbo forever I think. No one is going to kick her out of her parent's house and no one is going to tell her that she needs to work towards a resolution. So Ill just keep on keepin on until I need to do otherwise.

[pilot]

Ben I am reminded of the recent post where it says the LBS who almost always had success were the ones who truly let go. I understand wanting to have faith the M will work out. We all want that here. But in order for you to truly improve yourself, you have to really be willing to let her go. Take your love for her and stick it in a box and put that box on the shelf. Then forget about it. Work on yourself. If in the future you find her knocking at your door, go back to that box and look inside. If it is still something you want, then work at it. Otherwise, put that box back on the shelf.

[Thornton]

Good post Pilot. Wise words but extremely hard to do.

I'm really going to try my hardest to implement it.

[Ben2010]

As far as she is concerned, I have let go. I wont be making any attempt at communication and Im just doing me right now. I cant put the love away as if it isnt there but I can stop it from taking over my life like it has been. I said that I would let her go if it came down to that, but its not at that point right now. She will come knocking on my door. I dont believe that I need to "let her go" to be able to improve myself. I am improving myself right now and I havent let her go. I know who I want to be in the future and that isnt something that is going to change. I have been given a break from her to take care of myself and thats what I am doing. There will be no boxes on shelves in my life.

[pilot]

It is hard Thornton, but I know you can do it. I really think I am on the path towards that right now. That does not mean I still do not hurt, or have "emotional flashbacks". Sure I do. Deep down I still have thoughts about my M working. But lucky (I think?) for me, the way I left it with my W was basically dont talk to me unless its about the kids. I have not made any contact with her for 3 weeks. I only reply in short punctual answers when she texts about the kids. I refused her hugs the couple of times I have seen her since our S. And I spend my time here GAL and not dwelling on her. From her perspective, I am moving on. Does that mean she has noticed or cared yet? Who knows. It would be mind reading to speculate. But since she was in at least an EA, I know to tame any expectations of any short S doing the trick. With that in mind, I am proceeding with my life as if she will not be in it. I am working on the things I know I need to for myself. It does help my ego/frame of mind/fear of being alone that I do have other options readily available. And while there is definitely temptation to act on at least one of those options, I will put it aside for the time being. Mostly so I can continue to become a better person and be emotionally available for that person.

You can do it as well. Of that I am sure!

[pilot]

It also helps to focus on the negatives about your W. Our minds have built our WAWs to be perfect to a degree we cannot live without them. Its a natural thing when we are losing someone we care about...we only focus on the positives. And I am not even talking about dwelling on an A or anything. Think about the little things she did to annoy you...or her imperfections. It helps to extinguish that extreme sense of loss. It will also help prepare you for when the piecing starts you do not jump right in and get over anxious. Now she is a person who truly has to win you over.

Just my 2 cents...

[Ben2010]

It will also help prepare you for when the piecing starts you do not jump right in and get over anxious. Now she is a person who truly has to win you over.

See that is something that I can agree with. It would suck to make it to that stage and then blow it. Nice post.

[MrBond]

JCred,

First off, don't call someone out whom you don't know. Second, don't do it on someone else's thread. If you want to know my story, ask me yourself and don't be a punk about it. Third, if you bother to read my thread, you'll see that I have told my story many times to others on their threads. I was helping so many people that I spent more time on their posts than my own.

And fourth. I notice you don't have your own story up which leads me to believe that you can't handle the truth about yourself unlike many of the brave men and women here who are willing and open to get help. Or you are a previous poster who is too afraid to ask me himself about my story.

My apologies Ben2010. Back to your story.

[MrBond]

"Like I said though, lets not pretend that people are not here to get their spouse back. My concern is that I never see her, so any changes that she wanted, will never be noticed."

No one has pretended anything to argue against that. But the FACT right now is that you can't force her to see the changes you've made within yourself. Right now, the only thing in your power to do is change for the better and once you're on stronger ground, you can try to initiate contact by giving her a casual "how are you doing?" type of message.

In fact, she doesn't contact you anyway so even if you did find someone else, she probably wouldn't care. Keep the thoughts on making yourself happy first.