What to do II

[raev]

Hey, Ben, just stopping by. Catching up on your sitch. You've posted a LOT already.

I'm taking Wellbutrin, too, have been for years. It will definitely kill your appetite. Good news is it doesn't typically cause weight gain or sexual issues. When I went back on it after being off for years, I lost 40 lbs and wanted to hop in the sack at the drop of a hat. It will keep you awake though. I take melatonin at night. Really helps.

I want to offer some insights... from a W whose H is addicted to porn.... Nothing... and I do mean nothing... will make a sensitive woman less sexually functional than having a partner who uses porn. Add your interactions with another woman in... man... that's a sure fire way to ensure you ain't getting laid for a looooonnnggg time. My H and I have had problems with this from the word go. He waited until AFTER we were married to tell me he was addicted and had been since he was 15. I just thought he was a jerk who didn't care about the fact that I had a really high sex drive and was being freakin' neglected in the bedroom. Do you have any idea how many guys would kill to have a W who requires sex a minimum of 4 times a week to be content? more to be happy? But he was totally unable to initiate sex with me. His porn addiction eventually led him to some horrible behaviors online with other women. The kind that leave photographic evidence... that wives find... while naked... after just having sex with their husbands... who then get the crap beat out of them for violating their wives' sacred trust. *ahem* Sorry. Anyway! My point is... you should get some books on pornography addiction, the ugliness of the porn industry... maybe find a support group. I'm having trouble remembering the books I eventually got my H to read when he was trying to save our M back in the good ol' days (never thought I'd think of my heart broken, gods-I-hate-him-and-wish-he-would-die phase as the good days), but they really opened his eyes to the impact porn has on the individual - neurologically, psychologically, socially, etc - families, and society. And, it couldn't hurt for you W to come over some day and see that you've been reading up on it and taking things seriously. Maybe you've done this already... I haven't read all your posts.

If she's anything like I was when I was feeling betrayed and half out the door and my H was trying to keep ME? Deep down? She really wants your love. But she's terrified of being hurt. She doesn't know if she can trust you. And she's hurting a lot because she can't bring herself to let you in right now. And she's angry because you put her there... alone, feeling unloved, unattractive, not-good-enough, vulnerable, and uncertain about her future. She needs time. You have to walk a fine line between being available, attentive, kind, and not being a doormat and a wimp. You have to understand, too, that somewhere in the back of her mind she knows that this separation has given you an opportunity to find and woo someone else. She's taken a HUGE risk. Don't screw it up. I'd stay away, far, far, far away from situations where one might expect to interact with many single women. Keep working on you and try to be kind toward your wife. If you love her, think about the kind of man you think is good enough for her, that she deserves to have as a H. Now think about your ideal version of yourself - all the things you want to do and be that you've just never gotten around to. Where do those two images overlap? Concentrate there. Make a list of characteristics or habits or whatever helps you focus.

It's very, very good that you're going to or have read 5LL. When my H was trying to keep me? He was Acts of Servicing the hell out of me. And I was blowing up at him all the time because I thought he was flipping NUTS! He took up gluten-free bread making and was destroying my kitchen! I didn't get that he was making bread because he loved me... because I'm a quality time person... not an acts of service person... and my H is a workaholic... and never had a whole lot of time for me... but he had time to FREAKING BAKE?! Seriously? So, 5LL is one of the most important books you can ever, ever read. DBing without it? is f-in pointless. If my H and I had read that book early on, we never would have gotten to this point. I just gave 5LL to my cousin for a wedding gift - it's that important. The sooner you can figure out your W's LL, the better off you'll be. Don't waste time. I didn't read it soon enough in my DBing efforts. I didn't *get* what my H's LL was until about a year ago - two years into our separation. It completely turned the way I'd viewed our entire history on its head. That book has the power to heal waaayyy old hurts too. I never felt loved growing up except by my grammy. As it turned out, everyone else around me had a totally different love language. So, definitely spend time chewing on that book... literally if you need to in order to full *get it*. At some point, your W should read it to... especially if she's had any issues feeling loved and appreciated.

Stay strong. Eat something, d@mn it... And get some sleep. You're gonna need it.

[MrBond]

There is something you're going to have to understand about gucci. He and I would often butt heads because he insisted that his way was best and the ONLY way to go. He didn't believe in personal change, or whatever. Just the belief that you just need to drop the other person cold turkey and F' them because they weren't good enough for you. And that they had to earn their way back to you.

I pointed out that myself and others have saved our M without resorting to dating other people and changing. But he believed that to be weak. I don't know how many people I've seen follow his advice and then come back here losing their spouse because they didnt' change themselves. He even had a few of his posts deleted because he was calling out some posters on a personal level. Pretty low.

His way IS NOT detachment. It's a F'You attitude which only builds resentment in you. You don't learn how to heal in a healthy way and you end up bitter.

Look, every situation is different. Sometimes the hardnose way will work and sometimes it won't. As similar sounding as everyone's situations are on here, the backgrounds are different. You are going to have to go with the plan that best suits YOUR situation.

The bottom line is that YOU need to read the books. Do what works and change what doesn't. And especially change that which caused your spouse to fall out with you in the first place.

If you plan to follow gucci's straight advice, then I can't help you. Good luck.

[JCred]

MrBond.

I am wondering where your posts are describing when you reconciled with your wife and the details. The last post where it seems to be mentioned is around Thanksgiving 2010 when you said you would update your story. This leads me to believe maybe you didn't really reconcile and are not admitting it. Just curious why you haven't filled us in on when and why and how it happened.



[quote]Hi Sandi,

I've been meaning to send you a personal Happy Thanksgiving message. When I have the chance I'm going to update my story here. You take care and God bless.[quote]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...899#Post2108899

[Ben2010]

So when I got off work last night she had already texted me and told me that she would call me today instead and that she had a busy day and was tired. I dont believe a word of that. Im not mind reading or anything but I know that she never goes to bed at 11:30 even if she is tired. So she called me today with about 10 minutes left before she had to be clocked in at work. All that said to me was that she didnt really want to talk about anything, she was just calling because it was stated that she would. I chose not to answer the phone. I am also choosing to not answer the phone in the future. If she wants to talk to me then she can come see me and stop hiding behind the phone. If she doesnt, then that is her choice and I will not be doing anything different on my end.

[Ben2010]

I am not planning on following all of his advice. I am still making changes to me right now. Still in anger management, still working on the porn addiction, still going to C, still going to get my teeth fixed. I am not throwing your opinion to the side or anything MrBond. I was not planning on taking his plan in it's entirety. I would never have the F' you attitude with my W. However, I do agree with some of what he says and Ill be honest it makes me feel better about myself. Also still reading the books.

I value your opinion alot on here based on what Ive read. You have been through the fire and come out of it. I dont know how this is going to go, but not talking to her seems to possibly be the one thing that is showing some positive signs.

I do know that from our past breakups that this approach has worked. She has only ever broken up with me one time, I broke up with her 2 times. When she broke up with me, I was a real a$$hole about it and didnt care. This drove her crazy and she called me asking to come back. She did the clingy thing when I broke up with her and called me and stalked me for about a week. It didnt get her anywhere so she just stopped talking to me. Then about a week after that, she texted me about having sex with me (really good text messages). I let her come over and told her that it didnt mean that we were back together, but she knew what she was doing. It worked.

So based on past experience with her, I think that might be the way to go with her here. Like I said though, I will not be doing all of what he says. I wont be dating anyone else or even thinking about that. Just GAL and work on what I need to and ignore her right now unless she wants to come see me.

[pilot]

Most important is not getting her to come back, but getting yourself to a point where you become someone only a fool would leave. Unless you make the changes you need to in your life, getting her back will only be temporary. As your history of break up to make up has already shown. Work on yourself before you worry about her coming back.

Best of luck!

[Ben2010]

Thanks wings,
Finally I find some perspective from a woman that has gone through the whole porn addiction thing. If your H was anything like me, he had no idea that he was hurting you that bad with it. I will say that just using sheer will power is very hard to stop doing it but has been possible for me. It actually gets easier after about day 3. I dont even really think about it anymore except in these situations. I would not say that the problem is over. I am very scared that it will return. I like the idea of the books for it. I really wasnt aware that they even had books based on that. I also had a problem initiating sex with her. She would always try to get me to have sex with her and most of the time I wouldnt. She told me one time though that she did this just because she didnt want me looking at porn. Says she doesnt care about sex at all. I have never had an issue pleasing any girl that Ive been with. No size issues or anything like that. Not sure why she doesnt enjoy it that much. One weird thing that maybe you can explain to me though is that one time she found it on the computer and got very upset but then pushed me down and got on top of me. We had sex while porn was playing on the computer. She had a great time with it too. She doesnt have orgasms unless it is my mouth on her any other time really, but she did that day. She can only do that on top of me anyway it seems, but still rarely.

I do feel like she feels deeply betrayed right now. I would give anything to go back and change it, but we all know that cant happen. I can tell when we got to have our serious R talk that she is scared to let me in and that my changes wont be real. Also as I previously stated, I can feel her anger when she talks to me. As far as this fine line of being available but not being a doormat...I feel like Im the doormat right now and thats why I dont want to take her calls. Plus it just seems like when she calls its an excuse to get angry or start a fight, but when we are face to face, different story.

I have read 5LL. There is an issue there. Her LL is physical touch...this makes it impossible to work with because we dont ever see each other really. I mean when she came over last week I gave her a hug and thats about as close as I could get. I agree though with its level of importance. Everyone should have to read that book before they get married. She has only read the first 3 chapters and taken the test, but that was a long time ago. My LL is quality time, so this is really taking a toll on me. I suggested that she read the book when I saw her last week or finish I should say. I told her how it opened my eyes to things that I had no clue about. She said she tried to get me to read it a long time ago and that I never did. Im sorry that I didnt now...Any suggestions on something I can do to get here to read it?

So Ive been told by the doctor to cut down to one pill of Wellbutrin a day only in the morning to solve my issues with sleeping. It seems to be working well the past few days. I also have my appetite back but am still down 15 lbs. Also please give me your opinion on the contact situation with my W, right now I am not answering her calls because I dont want to fight with her. The last time I talked to her was yesterday afternoon before work and she was mad at me for talking to her family. I apologized and told her that I didnt mean it as anything harmful. She thinks that Im trying to get her family on my side even though I told her that wasnt the issue. I just wanted some advice from her brother or maybe just someone to listen to me. She did ask why I didnt just call her dad because he is a "responsible" one. I have not called him yet, still trying to weigh this out when a good time would be.

[Ben2010]

I am continuing to work on myself right now. The problem Im having is that she is doing nothing right now but hanging out with her sister who is 100% telling her that we should be done. She is over there every day and it just feels like the more time we spend apart, the further we are from reconciling. It feels like if someone doesnt talk to her besides her sister, then I have almost no chance. It even talks about that in DR. Its very discouraging. She told me that she thinks she should go see a C. I agreed, but I know she wont do it. She has said things like that before and never done it. And Pilot, when we dont ever see each other(we have no kids or anything) then it makes it very hard for her to even see any changes at all.

[MrBond]

"I have never had an issue pleasing any girl that Ive been with. No size issues or anything like that. Not sure why she doesnt enjoy it that much."

That as well as everything else is out of your hands. You're still thinking of a plan that comes from your POV and not hers.

"She said she tried to get me to read it a long time ago and that I never did. Im sorry that I didnt now...Any suggestions on something I can do to get here to read it?"

Do you remember her doing that? THAT should have been a red flag for you. If you go back over the history of your relationship, you'll find that there were many times that she tried to reach out to you but you shut her down.

Now that you've "suddenly" reached an epiphany because she's leaving you, you think she's in the wrong. She tried and didn't see you wanting to change. What else was she going to do?

"And Pilot, when we dont ever see each other(we have no kids or anything) then it makes it very hard for her to even see any changes at all."

So you say you've changed now. If they were real changes, there is no need for her to be able to see them because they are changes for YOU. If you do it solely to just get her back, once she returns, you will go back to how you were before. There are actually a couple of posters currently who didn't make their changes for life and found their spouses leaving them again for the same issues as before.

[Ben2010]

That as well as everything else is out of your hands. You're still thinking of a plan that comes from your POV and not hers.

This was just something I was mentioning, not really part of a plan. Never understood why it didnt work with her.

Do you remember her doing that? THAT should have been a red flag for you. If you go back over the history of your relationship, you'll find that there were many times that she tried to reach out to you but you shut her down.

I do remember that. I feel terrible about it now, but I will say that she never read the book all the way either. She said that at the beginning of our M when we didnt have many issues. There have been many times that I can look back on now that she practically begged for my affection and I was a dumba$$ and didnt get it.

Now that you've "suddenly" reached an epiphany because she's leaving you, you think she's in the wrong. She tried and didn't see you wanting to change. What else was she going to do?

No I dont think she is in the wrong for feeling that way. I think that there are things that could have been done instead of leaving or before leaving. Youre right I didnt want to change because I didnt realize the impact the things I was doing had on her.

So you say you've changed now. If they were real changes, there is no need for her to be able to see them because they are changes for YOU. If you do it solely to just get her back, once she returns, you will go back to how you were before. There are actually a couple of posters currently who didn't make their changes for life and found their spouses leaving them again for the same issues as before.

I did not say I have changed. There are some things that have changed about me so far though. These changes are not to bring her back, but lets not pretend that people are here for some other reason. My porn addiction is unhealthy and disgusting IMO. My anger makes me feel terrible when I project it on to other people. My lack of understanding of a healthy marriage is a concern to me. All of these things are changes for me. Like I said though, lets not pretend that people are not here to get their spouse back. My concern is that I never see her, so any changes that she wanted, will never be noticed. I dont have kids for her to ever see me. There is really no reason if she doesnt want to be around me for her to ever see me at all.