Sex was great, then we married?

[labug]

So maybe you're done.

That's OK.

Who was the prescriber? family doc or other?

[MrBond]

"It sounds like the consensus is that my marriage is going to be a clinical sex-starved marriage and I simply have to deal with it. I don't think I can."

So much for your big talk about understanding that M isn't all about sex. Now she's sick with potential side effects so you're going to leave her because she's flawed. You do understand that if the roles were reversed, you would be singing a different tune.

And let's face it. It's VERY early in your situation. You don't know what you will have to deal with. Talk to her about your concerns but from a position of loving. If she senses that you're going to leave if she can't have sex, that will shut everything down.

[Grey]

"It sounds like the consensus is that my marriage is going to be a clinical sex-starved marriage and I simply have to deal with it. I don't think I can."

So much for your big talk about understanding that M isn't all about sex. Now she's sick with potential side effects so you're going to leave her because she's flawed. You do understand that if the roles were reversed, you would be singing a different tune.

And let's face it. It's VERY early in your situation. You don't know what you will have to deal with. Talk to her about your concerns but from a position of loving. If she senses that you're going to leave if she can't have sex, that will shut everything down.

Wait.

I never said I was leaving her. I simply didn't say that.

When I said,

"It sounds like the consensus is that my marriage is going to be a clinical sex-starved marriage and I simply have to deal with it. I don't think I can."

I meant that I don't think I can simply "deal" with having a sex-starved marriage by forgetting about it or all of a sudden getting rid of my interest in sex with my W.

If the roles were reversed, I would see a doctor. I don't know what happened at her doctor's office. But I also don't know how, or even if, I should ask about it. I'm skeptical that the Cymbalta was prescriped for severe depression rather than as a potential mood enhancer or even just for her chronic neuropathy----it's bad, very painful. I wouldn't be surprised if it was prescribed because any depression-treating effects of Cymbalta would have simply been seen as a side effect, rather than Cymbalta being given because she's clinicall depressed.

Of course, I could be wrong, but I just went to my first session with a new therapist. She asked me to read some books. Only trick is they all seem to say what I already know, such as vocal compliments, quality time, gifts, loving touch and random acts of romance. I'm still doing all of those things. They're important.

It's almost like our marriage is fine except that I want to ML with my W and she doesn't want to ML with anyone. That doesn't mean I'm leaving, not at all. I just had hope that the dr would have more a more mutually benefitial effect than mutually detrimental----she doesn't feel better with the Cymbalta; it's one thing to say she wasn't depressed, but now with Cymbalta she's incredibly tired and completely has no libido, which she wanted to deliberately try and get back or address. She even has headaches, which she wasn't having before.

[Gnosis]

Grey,

I don't know if my post will get through to you or not, but here goes:

You've mentioned time and again that all of her previous R's were with bad boy/jerk types. You're aware of this. Have you given any thought to the possibility that your personality is not "doing it" for her in the attraction department?

[MrBond]

"If the roles were reversed, I would see a doctor."

I meant, what if the roles were reversed where you couldn't have sex - Period. What would you do?

Would you be fine with her satisfying you orally or another way just to make you happy even if she's not feeling it? I'm not talking about obligation, but what if she wanted to do it because she wants to do it for you.

[Grey]

"If the roles were reversed, I would see a doctor."

I meant, what if the roles were reversed where you couldn't have sex - Period. What would you do?

Would you be fine with her satisfying you orally or another way just to make you happy even if she's not feeling it? I'm not talking about obligation, but what if she wanted to do it because she wants to do it for you.

Yes? I don't love oral as much as most people do anyway, but I also want it to be about her. I want her to want to feel pleasure.

I feel like I need to clarify that neither of us are unable to have sex. She likes it, she just doesn't want it, I think. It's strange, hard to describe. Both of us can have it, one of us wants it badly.

If I couldn't, that's tricky. I think it would be better if I didn't want to rather than couldn't. I feel like I can't help wanting it, like a cigarette that's good for you instead of bad. I'm not addicted to sex, I'm just really into my wife, and my therapist mentioned that's not uncommon----to be more attracted to my wife now that we're married and spend more time together (I would have assumed the opposite was more normal).

Anyway, my therapist asked me to get four more books before I see her again next week so I'll start there and see what happens with the Cymbalta and the sleeping.

[MrBond]

"She likes it, she just doesn't want it, I think. It's strange, hard to describe. Both of us can have it, one of us wants it badly. "

Then that's your answer right there. SHE has to make a conscious effort to try even if she doesn't feel like it. That is totally out of your control. You can try to encourage, but you can't force it. Try and see if there is something that might encourage her to try.

[Grey]

"She likes it, she just doesn't want it, I think. It's strange, hard to describe. Both of us can have it, one of us wants it badly. "

Then that's your answer right there. SHE has to make a conscious effort to try even if she doesn't feel like it. That is totally out of your control. You can try to encourage, but you can't force it. Try and see if there is something that might encourage her to try.

I'm not sure how to convince her to try?

I'd imagine maybe couples counseling would help, but we're still waiting on finding one from her insurance. Other than that, from what I've read it seems like I'm the only person who can't ask her to try outright in any way.

I understand that. It makes sense. But I'd still like for her to consider it, I just don't know how. Just the suggestion of it adds pressure, even if it shouldn't, so I can't even bring it up at this point, let alone slide her a copy of Michele's books.

[MrBond]

"I'm not sure how to convince her to try?"

You're still trying to control her. You can talk to her about it (with the understanding that she has a right to say 'no') and leave it up to her. Same thing with doing something to try and get her in the mood. You can try different things but ultimately it will be her decision to want to have sex or not.

[GoatGal]

I just got back to the board and this boat is still where I left it.


Wife went to doc and got on Cymbalta.


Wife has "very bad, very painful" neuropathy from...


WIFE HAD CANCER.
Went through a rapid surgical menopause..
--------------------------------

In your wife's shoes, I'd be depressed as hell. Especially if my new, younger husband was getting a bird's eye view of the ugly side of getting older that we all face.

She is in constant, severe pain (I have nerve pain from a back injury and I'll tell you, it does not bring out the vixen in me.)

Just because she can put on a happy face around you does NOT mean she isn't seriously depressed.

A True Story:
My mother went to see a shrink at my urging, laughed and charmed her way through the entire appointment, he says my concerns are unfounded... The next day I get a call that she tried to end her life in a gas-filled garage.
She then ended up in a hospital getting the treatment she needed.

Your wife might be just as depressed, not seeing any reason to keep going, and you're worried that the Cymbalta will affect her sex drive?
I can bet that under the circumstances, she really must need this drug if she knows it will decrease her drive even more.

I'm projecting, but I suspect your wife has been downplaying all she's going through because she doesn't want to lose you.

I am not hearing much compassion on your end and that disturbs me.
It sounds like all your wining and dining is just to get her in the sack...it's been a week and instead of chilling out, you're getting more wound up about your sex life.

It's pressure, pressure, and more pressure.

How fearful should your wife be that you will leave her if you can't get her to fix it on your timetable?

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's coming off like you really don't care much about what she's going through. It doesn't sound like unconditional love right now.
It really hasn't been all that long. You're not gonna die.

Stop thinking of yourself if you can.
Take a breath.


---GG