Hi pbetra, Sounds to me like you and I have some things in common. When my W was depressed (started about 7 years ago and the worst lasted 3 years) I took over doing everything. I worked, W didn't. I made dinner, picked up kids from school, cleaned, took care of kids and animals, went to school meetings, you name it, I did it. I ran myself ragged and when my W was finally able to go back to work and start being a part of the family again, in came MLC!
I, like you, feel like I never seem to get a break. That just when I thought maybe I could count on some help from my W, she went away on her journey of self! In my case all my W can say as to why she must end our M is that she is "unhappy". She can't tell me why she feels that she must run and I'm left to look at myself and see on my own the things I did that helped get us all to where we are now. We didn't deserve to be stuck being the one who had to take care of everything but we both did allow it to happen. I am trying to understand why it is that I allowed this to become OK with me. What is it about me that thought and still thinks that it was acceptable that I be put in that position? Why did I think that because I did this I was showing my W my love and devotion?
At the same time what did SHE see? Did she see me trying to help, show her I was there for her no matter what? Or did she see me trying to control things? These are the kind of questions I am now trying to ask myself.
The thing about being an LBS (left behind spouse) is that we CAN ask ourselves these kind of questions and change the things about ourselves and our lives that NEED changing. The MLC S doesn't do that. They will take the things that caused them to be so very unhappy into their next R. Will repeat the same mistakes over and again until they are able to ask themselves these kind of things and change what they need to in order to be the best person they can be. This is the advantage we have that they don't. This is the good that I must bring into probably the worst situation I have ever faced in my life and you have the same opportunity.
Don't buy into the blame that your H will heap on you. They are hurting and they don't know why and like a drowning man will take you down with them if you aren't careful. I know my W is hurting, I see it every day. The thing is I now know that I can't help her, she must do it alone. Time for both of us to work on ourselves and maybe some day our S will start to see what it was that caused them to feel the pain and doubt, see that it wasn't the person who loved them. Until that day all you can do is try to be the best person you can for yourself and your kids!
