mlc rut

[pbetra]

re: >>> we are in control of ourselves... important to understand we cannot control anyone else <<<
This is one of my 'memos' - can no longer handle H's yo-yo-ing moods.

AJM - I do have to learn to believe re some 'control'. I have had so many fear issues. I realize that this experience may be a good thing for me b/cause H has anger issues & it compounds my personal sense of peace. I have a lot of self examination to do (esp since 'no spring chicken').

I have not felt in control:
> financially strapped (w/diminshing work opp. & greater expenses)
> ill parent/advanced dementia - for whom I am primary carer
> child w/ emotional issues who relies on me, confides in me.
> history *w/H is similar re father. did not recognize this early on (have self esteem, LOTS of fear issues history of introversion. *I did 'this' to myself ... )
Anyway, re: all of the above - I was trying my best to get a grip on these, finding a 'rhythm' ... when this (!!!) happened -
> H's MLC.

All 'mental health issues' to juggle with 'key' people in my life.
A parent, a child a spouse.

I wondered how much more I could take & felt so out of control - did not know I could cry that much or that long!
(WISH I had found here months ago (!), but I did & that's all that matters).

With the opportunity for self searching, I didn't know where to begin, hence the rut post.
I am trying to get past 'the rut' to figure out what's good for me, someway to ('sustainably') feel/be better long term.
I want to be less uncertain, less mentally tired & in a fog with never ending burdens for a life. The constant fatigue & stress just results in more errors that cycle more errors & 'more this', 'more that', more draining, emotional burn out ... (all w/less understanding & even more blame). btw it's different the other way around. LOL Life's burdens I can accept, I'm a grown up, I may not like them but that's life & I'm better off than many people anyway! It's just harder to cope with unnecessary strain compounding already challenging situations, & being made to feel responsible for all of life's misfortunes at the same time.

This 'curse' will be a 'blessing' in the long run (as mentioned above). I know that, even though I don't 'feel it' right now.
I will control ME.

Well, on to 'rut-busting' then! Thx again for the advice.
pbetra

ps I hope that one day I could be at helpful to you all, as you all have been to me.