Yes you are so right MrBond, there were many factors leading up the A's and exposing what he is doing isn't going to stop him for now. But, I feel that he hates himself and what he is doing and is simply trying to 'feel' something.
Immediately following the first A he told me that 'we had grown apart' (this much was true), that 'we didn't have that much common' (not really true), that I didn't do things with that he enjoyed doing like playing golf, fishing - ( I thought this was odd as he did these things with male friends only and it was never the case that he wanted me to go - but we had stopped doing things together).
My answer to all of this was 'I didn't realise you felt that way' (through tears) and could we go to MC. He said no, he had no interest in MC.
Some months later, while his first A was still going on, I suggested that if we going to break up, we needed to tell our children and our families but he asked me not to saying he didn't know what he wanted anymore. I agreed to wait and am still waiting.
He did end the A, telling her he needed to be on his own to sort his head out (i.e. having her 'waiting' too) and they are still 'friends' (with benefits I think!!!!). Last month I asked him why he was still communicating with her and he said 'I don't hate her' but that I had 'nothing to worry about as far as she is concerned'. I think this means that the 'infatuation' is over and he realises that he while he doesn't love her, he also doesn't love anyone???
I am doing many things I haven't done in the past to improve our M - it is difficult as he isnt home often but when he is I go out with him to the bar whenever he wants, I talk with him about lots of things while trying to avoid the R talks, I do places with him, i try to be with him whenever he wants me to and to be busy when he doesn't.
When he is away, I try very hard not to message him unless he initiates it and when he does I respond lightheartedly and lovingly. I make sure that the children keep in touch by email and skype. I sent him messages of support and encouragement when he least expects them but have told him that I don't accept his behaviour (keeping these comments to a minimum).
I don't think, in his current state of mind he is blaming me and I don't think he will again, he blames himself now, sadly because he is hurting himself.
However, i do think my snooping really angers him, and the exposure of the extent of it will probably make him very angry with me.
I don't think he will accuse me of 'trying to ruin his happiness' because he had told me that he not happy, he knows what he is doing is not making him happy but seems powerless to stop, perhaps it makes him 'feel' at least temporarily??
I hadn't thought of exposing or having an 'intervention' involving other people. I had just thought of telling him in an email that I know what he is doing, how he is living his life and that I find it unacceptable and would prefer if he wouldn't come home until he stopped???
OR,
maybe tell him that while I no control over what he does abroad, I need to have some control over his behavior when he comes home, that I didn't want him to come home unless he would guarantee that he would refrain from online dating, communicating with other women etc. while here. What do you think?
