Some days I feel so hopeful other days so hopeless. I know the only chance there is for this marriage to survive is if I work on me and don't give up.

I really struggle with the use of my time. I feel like I waste a lot of time doing nothing (on the computer, watching tv). Now I do know that down time can be good, however, I'm a procrastinator and put things off all the time. I get up in the morning with good intentions but feel like I don't accomplish much. I have never been a structured person but find myself now wanting just a little structure. I make lists but don't look at them. I am going to try lists again, break down the big projects so I am only focusing on one at a time. I'm so all over the place.

Last appointment with my IC tomorrow before vacation and seeing my H. I am extremely stressed about seeing my H. I am usually so relaxed and laid back when we are on vacation, I know he finds that attractive because he's told me. I need to drop all the fear I have and the EXPECTATIONS of how H is going to act. Just not sure how to do that...Need to teach myself how to "act" regardless of what H is doing. I have been trying to prepare mentally.

One thing I have not considered is if he wants to talk about the R? How can I hold my emotions in check? IF that happens I need to work on validating, will be reading Wonka's post a few more times. I don't think that is going to happen, more than likely he will be distant and off doing his thing. That scares me more. I am really wanting to use this time, not to reconnect, because we certainly aren't there, but to cast some doubt in his mind.

I need to be positive, fun, happy, laid-back, outgoing. Work on being me regardless of what he is doing. I can't believe how stressed I am already and it's a month before I see him.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since