Hey, Maybell, just wanted to drop by. I can relate to some of you sitch. We've had a ridiculous number of moves over the past decade. It's been stressful for everyone. I tend to come off a little controlling, too. Part of it is being a stay-at-home mom - "I don't tell you how to set up your firewalls at work; don't tell me how to fold dishcloths. I'm not doing it wrong. It's my kitchen - I cook in it, I clean it, I wash the linens. You're dong it wrong." I've noticed that anything that gets my nit-picky, perfectionist, I-am-the-queen-of-my-domain tendencies up really, really butts heads with my S14's and H's ADD. I have a super, duper goofy side that my H says he loves but I've felt crazy insecure about showing it since the separation... and now that I have a toddler... half the time I'm too tired. My H's sense of humor is... mean. Sarcastic, jaded, very cynical. It's gotten worse over the years. I don't really like it so I don't really engage with him much anymore on the humor front. But I do let him see me being silly with the kids sometimes and he always thinks it's adorable.
With moves, we've moved so much and always had this pending out of state move... I hadn't really bothered trying to make friends which was a mistake. So I envy your detached friendships. I tend to over invest in all of my relationships and so I'm hesitant to even bother if I won't be around for a while.
So much moving has also meant I've had plenty of opportunity to accuse my H of not helping - packing, apartment hunting, unpacking... on top of the general every day chores.
Trying to control stuff always comes at a cost. Over the years, I've fluctuated being trying to hold the reins on things and giving up totally since my H and I are both pretty rebellious, independent people who like to have things our own way. We've said for ages now that we should have bought a duplex when we got married or a house with a little apartment over the garage we could take turns retreating to when we'd each had enough. Mostly, we end up in that situation because we've had so many communication difficulties and a difference of love languages that we've felt like we couldn't be ourselves... despite the fact that we both like who the other person genuinely is... we can't stand who the other becomes when they feel defensive, hurt, or anxious.
Anyway, I'll try to catch up on your sitch a little more. Hope things are on a better path with your daughter.
Maybell, great self-reflection and insight in your previous post. Keep up the great work - it will pay off!!
Stay strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Claire, yes, if the cost of this insight and improved self is the M, I think it will have been worth it. I have three young kids with this guy -- it's not as though he will be out of my life in the next few years. I would love to see him experience some growth too, and if we can't do that together then it's better to be apart. Time is on our side, for sure.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
