Hey, Ben, just stopping by. Catching up on your sitch. You've posted a LOT already.
I'm taking Wellbutrin, too, have been for years. It will definitely kill your appetite. Good news is it doesn't typically cause weight gain or sexual issues. When I went back on it after being off for years, I lost 40 lbs and wanted to hop in the sack at the drop of a hat. It will keep you awake though. I take melatonin at night. Really helps.
I want to offer some insights... from a W whose H is addicted to porn.... Nothing... and I do mean nothing... will make a sensitive woman less sexually functional than having a partner who uses porn. Add your interactions with another woman in... man... that's a sure fire way to ensure you ain't getting laid for a looooonnnggg time. My H and I have had problems with this from the word go. He waited until AFTER we were married to tell me he was addicted and had been since he was 15. I just thought he was a jerk who didn't care about the fact that I had a really high sex drive and was being freakin' neglected in the bedroom. Do you have any idea how many guys would kill to have a W who requires sex a minimum of 4 times a week to be content? more to be happy? But he was totally unable to initiate sex with me. His porn addiction eventually led him to some horrible behaviors online with other women. The kind that leave photographic evidence... that wives find... while naked... after just having sex with their husbands... who then get the crap beat out of them for violating their wives' sacred trust. *ahem* Sorry. Anyway! My point is... you should get some books on pornography addiction, the ugliness of the porn industry... maybe find a support group. I'm having trouble remembering the books I eventually got my H to read when he was trying to save our M back in the good ol' days (never thought I'd think of my heart broken, gods-I-hate-him-and-wish-he-would-die phase as the good days), but they really opened his eyes to the impact porn has on the individual - neurologically, psychologically, socially, etc - families, and society. And, it couldn't hurt for you W to come over some day and see that you've been reading up on it and taking things seriously. Maybe you've done this already... I haven't read all your posts.
If she's anything like I was when I was feeling betrayed and half out the door and my H was trying to keep ME? Deep down? She really wants your love. But she's terrified of being hurt. She doesn't know if she can trust you. And she's hurting a lot because she can't bring herself to let you in right now. And she's angry because you put her there... alone, feeling unloved, unattractive, not-good-enough, vulnerable, and uncertain about her future. She needs time. You have to walk a fine line between being available, attentive, kind, and not being a doormat and a wimp. You have to understand, too, that somewhere in the back of her mind she knows that this separation has given you an opportunity to find and woo someone else. She's taken a HUGE risk. Don't screw it up. I'd stay away, far, far, far away from situations where one might expect to interact with many single women. Keep working on you and try to be kind toward your wife. If you love her, think about the kind of man you think is good enough for her, that she deserves to have as a H. Now think about your ideal version of yourself - all the things you want to do and be that you've just never gotten around to. Where do those two images overlap? Concentrate there. Make a list of characteristics or habits or whatever helps you focus.
It's very, very good that you're going to or have read 5LL. When my H was trying to keep me? He was Acts of Servicing the hell out of me. And I was blowing up at him all the time because I thought he was flipping NUTS! He took up gluten-free bread making and was destroying my kitchen! I didn't get that he was making bread because he loved me... because I'm a quality time person... not an acts of service person... and my H is a workaholic... and never had a whole lot of time for me... but he had time to FREAKING BAKE?! Seriously? So, 5LL is one of the most important books you can ever, ever read. DBing without it? is f-in pointless. If my H and I had read that book early on, we never would have gotten to this point. I just gave 5LL to my cousin for a wedding gift - it's that important. The sooner you can figure out your W's LL, the better off you'll be. Don't waste time. I didn't read it soon enough in my DBing efforts. I didn't *get* what my H's LL was until about a year ago - two years into our separation. It completely turned the way I'd viewed our entire history on its head. That book has the power to heal waaayyy old hurts too. I never felt loved growing up except by my grammy. As it turned out, everyone else around me had a totally different love language. So, definitely spend time chewing on that book... literally if you need to in order to full *get it*. At some point, your W should read it to... especially if she's had any issues feeling loved and appreciated.
Stay strong. Eat something, d@mn it... And get some sleep. You're gonna need it.
