Line in the sand

[mustardseed]

Yes, I am starting to see it like that CSam00. These few days of distance has helped me, and starting to tell people a bit of what is going on has made it more real. I can't live in denial anymore. I went to an al-anon meeting today. I meant to go yesterday but just as I was leaving my aunt showed up and asked if I wanted to take a walk with her. She had to talk about something going on in her life, and of course while she was talking I burst into tears and told her what has been going on with me for these past 8 months. It felt good to let it out, but then I felt remorseful later. BEcause now that I am starting to say it out loud to people who know both of us it makes it so much more real.

But I went to the meeting today. Of course I happen to go during an anniversary celebration. I felt like a party crasher. But the people were welcoming and encouraged me to get on line to eat. So I ate and waited and waited and nearly 45 minutes passed and nothing happened. I wanted to leave but now I had just eaten their food, it felt really rude to just eat and leave. Then somehow I found out the the woman sitting across from me was also a first timer (and she also ate their food) so I didn't feel so bad anymore. They had two guest speakers, and the first one--a guy from AA--really made me understand some of the patterns. I kept wondering if I belonged there, is he really an alcoholic? He doesn't get sloppy, or angry. He doesn't drink a lot at a time most of the time, but he was drinking daily (although that always seemed kind of normal to me). And when he stopped drinking it was super easy for him--but it didn't make things better so it must not be the drinking that is the problem. But this guy--a young guy who reminded me a lot of a cousin of me--talked about his years as a "dry drunk". And the behaviors he described seemed kind of familiar. The lack of intimacy. The running away from problems. Whether H is an alcoholic or not, I think that Al-anon might be a helpful resource for me. I am going home tomorrow and hope to find a meeting nearby. Unfortunately the one in my city is during my work time, but there has got to be others not too far. I'll have to look into it.

I think I am ready to let him go and maybe even starting the process on my own, but that is easy to say when I am not around him. I am afraid that when I see him my resolve will soften and I will go back to just wanting him.