Need better plan of action, H is home but distant

[Accuray]

Bestgal,

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. The shining light I see here is your statement that you both really love and care for each other. If that is really true, then yours is a situation where MC *can* work for you, because you can both be motivated to make things better.

From what you describe, you both suffer from temper and argument skills issues. That's the kind of thing MC can help you with. There are lots of techniques including taking a time out, commenting on the "meta dynamic" instead of the content of the argument itself i.e. "we're doing that thing again where we both get angry and start getting hurtful"

As Mr. Bond suggests this is an area where you *can* change your relationship by changing yourself, but you will be much more successful if H joins you on that journey. Why? Because H knows exactly which of your buttons to push.

If you consider a scenario where you are both sitting at a table and you wanted to make your H really really angry, would you know where to go and what to say? For most people the answer is a quick "yes". Now if you were sitting at the table and wanted to make him feel really really loved, would you know where to go and what to say? For most people, that's a much harder question.

I strongly recommend reading the book "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" -- it covers just how toxic shaming is to a man and things you can do to deal with the situation more productively.

Good luck! The fact that he loves you is a huge benefit.

Acc