For Making Magic....

[makingmagic]

HI T2 & Matt ~~ AND THATS EXACTLY WHY I DIDNT DO IT!!

T2~~ Yep, its serious hard work pulling myself away from the very thing I thought I wanted & was getting (I see that I am not)... therefore I give up. I am putting it out to God & the universe what I do want. Focusing on what I do want & not what I don't have.

He is not using me, he is not getting the milk or the cow, not putting ice cream on his plate... from me!

Matt ~~ Thank you for taking the time to put in a long post & your feelings (means a lot to me to hear from a guys perspective). Some of your comments resonate with me:

>>> Part of me thought "Well, maybe once we start doing that, she will see that she really wants ME, not him". That thought was what stopped me! I realized I didn't want "just" sex from her or anyone else. I have much more to offer someone than a roll in the sack! I may have enjoyed the act. It would have felt really good but I knew it would NEVER be enough. I wanted someone who wanted ME, ALL of me. <<<< THIS is how I feel. I too have wayyy more to offer someone. I am a whole package deal, not just the bits & pieces you want to "borrow". I don't want just sex from him or anyone else. That is what I actually said on Friday (did you see that?)

>>> If he can do this after all the years you have been together it is him that has the problem. << I don't know HOW he can just say that/think that. Is it a "guy" thing? Trying me on to see if I'd fall for it? (cuz the old MM normally gives him what he wants, especially when he punishes me with his withdrawal and anger)

>>> Stop being afraid of being alone or losing what you have now because what you have now is hurting you and holding you back! << what I have now, is a shell of a person I used to think so highly of.

>>>Don't you see how his game playing is causing you to question your own self worth? He is playing you and by letting him you are starting to believe his crap about you not being enough! You think that if this guy who you've been with for so long doesn't think you are "good enough" than maybe you're not. This is how abusers work. This is how they get to their victims. Stop believing his crap and see him for what he is, NOT WORTHY OF YOU!! It actually hurts to read some of your posts because I see you buying into his game. <<<< THIS really bothers me. I have been questioning my own self worth & have been working on it (thank god), because now I can stand up & say NO !!! I like that you feel he is NOT WORTHY OF ME!! I will try that on!! Since Friday, I am no longer buying his game. There has been nothing more said or implied. I am not asking questions or commenting or showing any reaction/feeling. If anything, I am appalled/insulted and am arguing it out in my own head. I will not give him the satisfaction of anymore of me.

He is LUCKY to have me in his life... I provide a HeLL of a lot of things to his life, he needs to recognize. I guess the only way he will is when its gone. I have not wanted to be "gone" for him. I have been afraid to let go fearing that I may not be able to come back if I fully left. If I go & he comes back & I am not there... his problem. I tried the best I could to wait & be patient. BUT THIS IS ENOUGH.

>> You aren't interested in what he has told me he is willing to give <<< BINGO!!
>>He needs to know in no uncertain terms that you aren't interested in what he is offering. <<<< I AM TRULY NOT INTERESTED IN 1/4 a package. I want the whole meal!

>>>By trying to leave the door open just in case he see's the error of his ways and suddenly changes his mind and wants more is counter productive and is sending the wrong message at this time. I know what you are trying to do as I have tried to do the same with my W. The problem in your case is that until he see's that you will be totally gone, he will always think he can have you on his terms. <<< I am ready!! I am closing the door, not even a crack. I want him to have the CLEAR message "MM is not a toy". I was prepared to consider "exclusive dating", but where were the dates/efforts???? It quickly got reduced to "casual exclusive sex & companionship". I need to know more ways to shut the door & to barricade it... I totally want to be GONE from his "easy to catch view"... He has it ALL wrong!!

>>> If he was a real man he would stop using you, your shared history and the fact that you love him for his own gratification! <<< TRUE!!!

Thanks again Matt!!