What to do

[Nettles]

Yeah I do appreciate that from her. It could be one of the best gifts ever.

Yes, you are going to be a better, happier you. Do you know how I know? Because I'm not longer the miserable SOB I was. I know where this can go, and it feels great, and I'm no where near done.

Im not sure about that last part that I put about the porn or not. I hope that isnt the case because then its just a whole new issue.

But now you can examine and explore it. You have the time. You can examine it.

Im going through an anger management workbook with my counselor right now. We are doing one module a week. It seems to help me understand it and be able to start to catch myself when I feel a bad reaction coming on. Im sure it will get better.

Awesome. Keep it up.

In other news I have decided to go to a cosmetic dentist and get my teeth fixed. The front 2 have always been an issue for me. They are crooked and keep me from wanting to smile and show my teeth. I think this could be a real confidence booster for me. The W always tried to make me feel better about them and tell me that no one notices them, but I notice them and this is for me.

That's great.

You are doing all the hard work. Keep it up. Think of NC as the opportunity for W to digest all this change.

[Ben2010]

I do worry that she wont see any of the changes so why would she bother calling me anyway. Im still going to do them and just hope that she will miss me enough to call me and check up on me.

[Nettles]

She will. She said as much at the start. She wants it to change. She wants to be happy, she wants you to be happy, and she wants to be happy together. You are working on part 2; the only thing you can work on right now.

[Ben2010]

Very down today. She called me this morning after not having talked to me in a week. I was very excited when I saw that it was her that was calling me. I answered the phone and was immediately disappointed. She asked me why I was talking to her family. I had talked to her brother last night just trying to see what he thought about things. Apparently he told her dad that we talked after I asked him to keep it between us. So as you can imagine, her dad talked to her about it today. Her brother and I have been friends for years now and he told me to call him anytime I wanted to for whatever. He suggested that I call their dad and talk to him about this situation as she is living with them and already knows whats going on anyway. I told him that I could do that as some point this week. I didnt really think anything about it. And before I get flamed for talking to her family because its in Sandi's rules not to, her brother and his wife are on my side and I thought that it would be confidential.

Apparently her dad had asked her if she had talked to me and she told him no. Well we did talk on Tuesday at my house and I told her brother that. He told their dad that and I guess he accused her of lying. So now she got upset with me about it. I told her that it wasnt meant to try to draw her back in but just to talk. She said that she is sure that it was to draw her back in but it is only pushing her further away. I told her that Im just trying to work this whole thing out nothing more. She said she would rather I have called her dad not her brother. She doesnt get along with her brother and his wife right now because they disagree with what she is doing.

I talked to my brother after our convo and he seems to think that its a positive thing that she even called me. The last time I talked to her, I told her that I didnt want to talk until she was ready to work on the R. It also seemed like when we were on the phone that she was trying to bait me into an argument, which I did not bite. I never raised my voice or said anything insulting, just told her that it was not my intent to do anything other than talk. She told me that she is going to call me back tonight when she gets off of work. My brother said to not answer the phone for her from now on because everytime we are on the phone its an argument and that is her crutch. He thinks she hides behind the phone because she can get angry and not feel bad about it. It does seem to be a better interaction when we see each other. Im not sure how to take today's conversation and what I should do tonight if she calls me like she said she was going to.

[MrBond]

Have you finished reading DB or DR yet?

[Ben2010]

No i havent, I am working on DB right now.

[MrBond]

Many of the answers to the questions you ask are in there. Do the work first by reading and you'll understand the "why" behind everyone's advice.

[Ben2010]

Ok but until I get there what is the opinion of what I said?

[MrBond]

First off, never talk to family. Blood is thicker than water, and you see why the book tells you not to tell everyone about your sitch.

Next, understand that there is no "explaining" yourself to her. She's trying to control the situation. Just watch your actions. At this time, regardless of what you do, good or bad, she will scrutinize. Stay true to your actions.

When she does talk to you about her concerns, VALIDATE how she feels, but not necessarily her actions. Try to understand WHY she's doing what she's doing and know that she has a right to feel the way she does. This does not mean that you agree with her ACTIONS. Just agree with the fact that she is entitled to her feelings and emotions.

The books will go through all of that.

[Ben2010]

Thanks, I will finish reading the books. I generally read them on my lunch break. I just feel like everything Im doing right now is wrong and its getting worse. And now her dad thinks Im going to call him to talk to him because her brother told him that I was. It will make me look very rude if I dont call him. Maybe I should send him a text explaining that I dont think its a good idea to talk because of its effect on the situation.