What is my Next Move?

[Oxford1]

"And when I act like she's one of my pals coming over to watch The World Cup...she will be completely shocked!"

I thought you said you were going to be out of the house? So what have you actually changed?

We are still In house separated...I meant to not be home when she got there.

We did start debating getting an apartment for one of us...

My concern is that if she gets one it will just push her closer to OM...

[MrBond]

"We are still In house separated...I meant to not be home when she got there."

I understand that. What I meant was that you were going to be out of the house. Period. You shouldn't have thought about it, just be gone and not respond to her about the World Cup.

"My concern is that if she gets one it will just push her closer to OM..."

So? You can't keep trying to control everything.

[Oxford1]

I told her to go get an apartment.
I did tell her that OM should not be helping her Pay, she agreed.

Her lawyer told her the same thing

[MrBond]

"I told her to go get an apartment."

I thought you just said that you were afraid that would push her to the OM. Make up your mind.

"I did tell her that OM should not be helping her Pay, she agreed."

That's you being controlling again. It doesn't matter if the L agreed. You sounded more like her father than her H.

[Oxford1]

I would prefer an in house seperation.
But she actually brought up the idea of an Apartment so i agreed.

I don't see anything wrong with saying OM should not pay.
By then again maybe he should? What do you suggest?

Also folks on some of the other marriage boards seem to always advocate throwing her out, saying she does not love me etc.

Can I ask you what your opinion is of that?
I mean the therapist we see tells me to keep her in the house, the boards say throw her out.

I am at a loss.

[MrBond]

"I don't see anything wrong with saying OM should not pay."

Why do you keep insisting this? What your W decides to do and who pays for what she does isn't up to you. You're trying to control things by "hoping" that she'll suffer by having to pay things on her own. That's up to her to decide. Not you.

"Also folks on some of the other marriage boards seem to always advocate throwing her out, saying she does not love me etc.

Can I ask you what your opinion is of that?"

My opinion is to stick to one board. Every board is going to be different. If you want to continue to be called a doormat and weak on those other boards then I wish you well. If you want to save your M, then stick to this one.

The bottom line is that YOU are the one who is going to have to make the decisions. Don't let others influence you. Make up your own mind. Only you know what you will or will not tolerate. You're still looking for the magic plan. There is none. Just do what works.

When she left, what did you and her agree upon? If you can't stand living with her, then tell her how you feel and that it's best if she leaves. Simple as that.

[Oxford1]

Of course I want to save my marriage!

But maybe she and I need to separate a bit?

I can't stand her cheating in front of me!

But I also hate to see her go...

[KenF]

i had that same dilemma.

i was scared to set a strong boundary and to stand up for myself out of fear i'd push her away. she left anyway.

stand up for yourself. be manly and strong. and thats not to say be aggressive, or on the offensive. but being soft and accepting will not convince her to stop.

if you cant stand her cheating in front of you, then let her know your boundary and that you will not allow her to disrespect you in that way. if she wants to continue then she can do it elsewhere.

and yes, you hate to see her go, but ultimately its better than watching her cheat in front of you.

[MrBond]

"But maybe she and I need to separate a bit?"

That's up to you. There is no "right" answer.

You said that she said that she was going to talk to the OM while she was gone about your situation. What is her decision now? Is she still going to leave and M the OM? If she is, then you can have her move out.

[Oxford1]

"But maybe she and I need to separate a bit?"

That's up to you. There is no "right" answer.

You said that she said that she was going to talk to the OM while she was gone about your situation. What is her decision now? Is she still going to leave and M the OM? If she is, then you can have her move out.

She says she is conflicted.
She also says she's being more open and truthful with me. For example she told OM that she is getting an apartment. She tells me she's not sure. She wants to see what the " relationship counselor " thinks we should do. What's best for her and my son.

She always talks about my son16. She will say that her main priority is him, that sometimes she thinks she should dump both of us.

He's had it already he wants her gone...

The thing is I never know if when she says she is conflicted does she mean ;

Me versus other man

Or.

Staying for son16 and divorcing in two years versus ending it now.

That's the question I can not get answered.

I do know that she is starting to wonder about OM's past...not sure what she has found out.