Need better plan of action, H is home but distant

[MrBond]

"I guess I haven't changed 100%, since I'm still having blow ups when we argue. I thought I'd made a lot of progress in that I've forgiven him for the A, and stopped bringing it up. It took me some time to get to the point where I could forgive... "

This is a problem with many people who deal with an A. All they do is concentrate on the A without actually changing the thing that drove the spouse away in the first place. It seems as if your issue was your anger. This has nothing to do with you forgiving him. The problem was still there.

"It isn't that I "don't want to" change. And I didn't change anything up front just to get him back... I honestly do want to be different. I've gotten comfortable and let some things in me remain the same, and now I have to start all over and focus on what I can change for good this time."

Again, this is a lesson for everyone on here. I don't know how many times people said that their changes were "for life" and then right after their spouse came back, they went right back to the way they were.

"I don't think it's realistic for me to take on all of the responsibility for everything that transpires though. He has always had the tendency to bolt, or to go for periods of time without speaking to me, even in the beginning of our relationship."

Of course it's not realistic, but you're missing the point. It's HOW you deal with conflict that's the issue. Guys shut down like your H does when he feels like there's no point in discussing things with you because you won't HEAR him. Didn't you learn anything about validation the first time you went through this? I have a feeling that he felt that no matter what he thought, you would override him or try to convince him that YOUR way was correct. You may argue against this, but the fact is that he shuts down or leaves. That's the response of a guy who isn't heard.

"Times when there wasn't an argument happening, like during a disagreement we'd have, he'd get frustrated and become argumentative, and then ice me out,"

Probably because he was trying to get you to listen to his POV and instead you argued back.

"I can see much of what you're saying, but does that also mean that everything including his A, his anger to this day and how he interacts with me are all somehow my doing?"

Of course not. But you'd be naive not to notice that your interactions have been the same even without the A.

"Every time we have an argument that ends in hurt feelings, I'm always the first to reach out and apologize. I think where I get stuck is that I feel like I forgive a lot of things he says and does, but there isn't a lot of forgiveness from him, and it always seems so final when I screw up. "

The problem isn't' "forgiveness". It's the fact that the manner of how you resolve the conflict is the problem.

"I thought that's what marriage was about. You love, make mistakes, you learn, you grow. Every time I've screwed up, I feel like it warrants him leaving, or threatening to. When he screws up, I stand by him. I'm sorry but that doesn't seem fair to me. "

That's from YOUR POV. I'm sure there are many times that you screwed up but he stood by your side. That's just your victim mentality speaking.

"Maybe in a few months I'll have better news to report and I'll have this all down."

Keep posting your progress here and we can guide you to the right way to interact with him.