Thanks Mr Bond. To answer your q, no I guess I haven't changed 100%, since I'm still having blow ups when we argue. I thought I'd made a lot of progress in that I've forgiven him for the A, and stopped bringing it up. It took me some time to get to the point where I could forgive... and I'd be lying if I said I was perfect and didn't have more work to do. I've even walked away when he's asked me to on a couple of occasions...not enough, I know.
It isn't that I "don't want to" change. And I didn't change anything up front just to get him back... I honestly do want to be different. I've gotten comfortable and let some things in me remain the same, and now I have to start all over and focus on what I can change for good this time.
I don't think it's realistic for me to take on all of the responsibility for everything that transpires though. He has always had the tendency to bolt, or to go for periods of time without speaking to me, even in the beginning of our relationship. Times when there wasn't an argument happening, like during a disagreement we'd have, he'd get frustrated and become argumentative, and then ice me out, refusing to talk or interact with me for days or weeks and I wouldn't understand . It was torture and can still be when it happens. Threatening to leave me, even before we got married has always been his 'go to' behavior.
I can see much of what you're saying, but does that also mean that everything including his A, his anger to this day and how he interacts with me are all somehow my doing?
None of it excuses my part in this, and it's not going to get better if I don't do something. Ongoing, though, I've had to let a lot of things slide that really hurt. I genuinely care about and love him, and yes I need to make lasting changes. I'm still getting there, and I'm willing. But I make mistakes, and I'll probably make more of them.
Every time we have an argument that ends in hurt feelings, I'm always the first to reach out and apologize. I think where I get stuck is that I feel like I forgive a lot of things he says and does, but there isn't a lot of forgiveness from him, and it always seems so final when I screw up.
I thought that's what marriage was about. You love, make mistakes, you learn, you grow. Every time I've screwed up, I feel like it warrants him leaving, or threatening to. When he screws up, I stand by him. I'm sorry but that doesn't seem fair to me.
Regardless of how I feel and how I think "it isn't fair", I'm still clear that I have work to do. My feelings are my feelings and I'm not going to pretend that I'm happy that he left, or that I'm not frustrated and angry about it. I don't want to bring this to my friends or family, because it's too painful and uncomfortable. Maybe in a few months I'll have better news to report and I'll have this all down.
