Yesterday was a tough day. Sent H a text wishing him a happy father's day, no response. I tried to have no expectations but haven't figured that out yet.

What was a little problem with D15 turned into a huge blowout. She spends a lot of time at her friends, which is ok but I tell her to check in everyday. After failing to check in Sat I texted her yesterday morning. "It slipped my mind" is the answer I got. Of course it was with attitude, turned into this big ordeal. D15 has the idea that we are equal as far as rules and such. Went to pick her up from her friends and she was gone, her friend didn't know where she went either. She refused to come home, asked if she could have some time to cool off first, going to get her shortly.

I get so frustrated and sad when things like this happen, I get the I'm mean, I hate being around you, I'm annoying. I realize most of it is typical teenage girl crap, however, considering what is going on I am terrified that she will blame me for the D. "maybe if you were nicer Dad wouldn't have left" kinda thing. I'm also afraid that H will see this as more validation, yes I'd hope he'd see the reality of it but I guess it goes back to my fear of not being a good mom.

I'm debating whether or not to talk to H about the situation, I feel like we need to be on the same page with this and he needs to support me. That was a big one of our issues in the past with my son and it didn't work out to well for any of us.

Feeling very lonely, my house is so quiet all of the time, usually just me and D12 here. But even when I'm out I'm lonely. Took D12 to the beach yesterday and she was off playing with her friend and I was sitting alone listening to and watching all the people...families, couples. Although I have always enjoyed the beach, very relaxing and peaceful, yesterday I felt very alone there.

I know it's time to get off my pity party, skipped going for a run this morning, didn't go yesterday either. I justified this morning because I usually walk at D12's practice. 2 weeks before I leave for vacation and less than a month before I see H again. I need to focus on positives and not making this a stressful time.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since