Hello everyone and thank you one and all for all of your insight! I've been unable to read or post the last couple days as I've bee having internet problems once again. Hope no one thinks I haven't been paying attention and sorry I wasn't able to respond.
I really do get it that my W is gone. I see it in every little interaction. I think many of you think that I talk to my W about the things I post here, I don't. I avoid talking about the M or our R most of the time. I usually just agree or let her talk about the things that are on HER mind. Right now that is her father, mostly. She went to be with him at M.D. Anderson where he is getting his chemo this weekend. She was told that he has a 40% chance of the chemo working to stop the spread of his cancer. I know everyone thinks I "blame" her father for many of her actions. I don't blame him for her wanting to leave, but I do understand that a big reason she is moving as quickly as she is is because this is what HE wants her to do and she has wanted his love and approval for her entire life and this has been a way to get him to pay attention to her. There is no doubt of this. For the first time in a very long time he is wanting to help her. He is telling her not what he had been in the past, that her life is wasted by being a wife and mother but he is now telling her he is 'proud" of her for becoming like him. For her this is like crack. While she was there her brother called her father. He just wanted to tell him that he loves him and is worried about him. Her fathers response? He refused to speak to him and doesn't want "anything to do with him". This is telling. My W has feared that her father would do the same to her. That he would just not want her to be part of her life either and this has weighed heavy on her. It's all very sad, really. Her father is so very damaged and in turn has damaged the people who loved him, the people who only want him to be a part of their lives. Of all the people to have involved in all that is going on, he is the worst possible. If he was telling her that she was making a mistake. That she should at least try and see if she can save her marriage, she would be doing that if only to get his love and attention. Powerful dynamic going on there for sure!
Again, not the sole reason she is doing anything. It's just a bonus and reason to keep moving forward as quickly as she is. I decided to try and pay closer attention to what my W speaks about most. What I have noticed over the past several months is that the thing that she talks about 99% of the time is herself or her father. She never asks about anything in my life outside of how it affects her. Very rarely even talks about the kids and even then, only when I bring them up in some way. She has a strong NEED to be EXACTLY right and will get upset if I disagree in the slightest with even small things. She lives in fear of so many things. The woman who she, at least at this time, is closest to at work is going away for two weeks. She is so upset about this and is saying how lonely she is going to be without her. Lonely? Really? Odd thing to say about someone you work with.
I am not standing in her way, nor am I holding onto her pant leg as uR put it. I haven't tried to stop her from leaving or made it more difficult. Not sure how much more supportive I could be without helping her pack! For now all I'm trying to do is get my stuff together and move forward in my own life knowing that I will soon be living a much different life. Different not by my choice but because I have no control at all over what my W chooses to do or not do.
I do understand that my W has been "surviving" for some time. She has talked about how she sometimes "doesn't want to live", how she so badly needs things to change. She really does need help. I really believe that she needs to find a good IC and get help with how she can't seem to shake her depression/anxiety issues. I wonder if she will stop feeling the "pressure" that you talk about Wonka once she is gone and on her own. I am not at all "in her face" anymore. I understand now that when I tried to get her to do things together over the last few years, get her to be more involved with me and the kids, that was enormous pressure to her. She was desperately trying to feel better, stop her inner turmoil and I was pushing her to do something she may have even enjoyed if she had done it but not what she thought she wanted or needed in her life.
I hope she finds what she thinks she will. I don't see how she will find the answers she is looking for by doing what she is but that is just what I think. Maybe she will. She needs something to change in her life, that's for certain. Heck, I need something to change in my life or I will become just as insane as I see her to be! This would all be so much easier if it wasn't for the girls and how her leaving is going to effect them both. That is the thing that bothers me the most.
Got a lot of work to do today. Working on my list and seeing what GAL activities I can find. Thanks again everyone!
