Thanks so much for your interest? He has been a great father in most respects and would do most anything for his children. however as a serious, self confessed conflict avoider, he left most of the difficult issues to do with the kids up to me and I let him. They learned from a young age to come to me with their concerns and issues usually asking me not to tell their father (but I usually did and got no real help). The children know that he loves them but also know his moods over the years and learned when to avoid him. When I said 'acts like a good father' it was really in relation to his most recent visit home, before his trip he asked me what holidays our youngest had from school so he could possibly arrange a trip to suit - I told him her holidays were end of May but he said that didnt suit work, I said to come anyway he would see her lots after school. When he did come home he went out fishing everyday and to the bar at night - he spent no time with our daughter and she noticed. I have told him my concerns about her self esteem, her self harming and asked him to talk to her, he said he would but didn't and never asks me about it. Lots of marital issues, I was young (25) and had an instant family with his then 5 year old, wonderful, son. He was always emotionally distant and did not touch me or hug me as much as I would have liked (I think because of the trauma he went through with his son's mother dying from cancer at the age of 30), I was emotionally immature and tried various stupid ways of getting him to open up to me. If I had known then what I know now, I would have communicated better and in a way that might have helped. He always drank a bit too much and I used to start fights about this which got us nowhere as he simply denied the obvious. I know so much more about him and his issues now that I did during the first 20 years of our marriage as well as about myself. When I couldn't get through to him or get him to really talk to me I withdrew and we led somewhat separate lives but he told me that he thought we talked alot?? I listened alot but gave up trying to tell him how I felt. We told each other that we loved each other alot. His work was always more important to him than anything else, he worked excessively and being successful (which he was up until 2010) was critical to his self esteem. Work did stress him often and he would come home and tell me about it, but never asked about my day (I work full time for myself). I knew he needed for me to listen and I did. He would always do the supermarket shopping and make our meals, he loves cooking. I know I never nagged and had no problem with him doing things to de-stress, play golf every sunday, play indoor football two evenings a week, fishing. We moved house in 1998 for his work, this involved moving away from my family but I had no problem with this. I stopped looking after myself following this move, put on weight and eventually stopped going to the bar with him - someone had to stay in with the children at the weekend and he was going out with or without me. I have since lost all the weight (due to this crisis) and he told me recently that I have never looked better. So, i think our biggest issue in our M was lack of real communcication, his inability to talk about himself, his feelings and my giving up on trying to get him to open up as well as my emotional immaturity, which has improved so much since all this happened. He always seemed so strong, so resiliant, so capable, so honourable, so full of integrity and now he is the opposite, it is shocking to me and to him! I do honestly believe that this could be the best thing that ever happened to us, if he will ever talk to me about it about it all, that we will both have grown so much in so many ways. But, the way he is living his life now is hard to take and not telling anyone about it because he doesnt want me to yet (until he knows 'what he wants')seems wrong. What is DB and DR - have not read them but will - how do I get a hold of them?
