Need better plan of action, H is home but distant

[MrBond]

"Ultimately whether he comes back or not, I do have more things I need to change for me. I'm not happy with the way I acted, and I'm kicking myself for not just walking away when things get heated each time. This would've never happened if I had just done that!"

So you haven't changed then. Correct? What have you learned about DB then?

"I should mention that about a year ago he went through what appeared to be a MLC, with suddenly stopping talking to me for a month or two, not sleeping in the bed, taking off his ring, suddenly drinking and smoking pot nightly, behaving like someone I didn't know and then becoming depressed and withdrawn. I figured this was going to take years, and tried to brace myself. Little by slowly he came out of it but maybe he's still in it? "

Doesn't sound like an MLC. Sounds like he was fed up with the way you were treating him and shutting him down. He felt like he couldn't talk to you without being "scolded" so he got attention from the OW. You concentrated on that without changing yourself which is why even though there is no OW now, you find yourself in the same situation you are now.

So do you honestly love him enough to change? If not, then you might as well allow him to find happiness elsewhere from someone who really won't shut him down.

Being perfectly honest here. I mean, if you read DB or DR, you would know that changing your self FOR GOOD is first and foremost. Doesn't sound like that happened. Sounds like you just did it to get him back and then went back to your old habits.

He'll only come back if the changes are real and permanent. But that's up to you. If you don't want to change, then I seriously suggest you let him go.