I am willing to do whatever it takes to try and save my M. I was very mean, and angry toward her, and not considerate at all to her feelings. Some of it came from her not forgiving me for past mistakes, mostly from not being able to handle things from my past. She said I mistreated and has asked if I loved her so much how could I do the things I did. The only answer I can say is I was sick, and not right. I tried to do everything I could around house and kiddos to make up for it. The problem was I never did enough for her. Now that she's gone I can't do anything, except change the patterns I portrayed in the past.
I guess I am asking is no contact, limited to kids and bills talk anyway the way to go. She has recently said, I can't take anymore, I don't want to live, I don't care about divorce, I just want to try and make it through the next year. I am afraid that no contact and limited time will tell her I don't care, but she asked for space and I gave her none at first. Not listening and not caring about her, I am answering my own question I guess to. I have tried a 180 to just listen when she talks, look her in the eye, and validate. Before I would always interject my own opinion.
Would a good 180 be to just let her be? I was so dependent on her for things. All holidays were pretty much her family. My family is not very good at get togethers. I have a divorced sister and one that has been separated for over a year. I have not been to her family but they are all trying to help in anyway, even texting her and I together info on retreats and such. I have told all those close to me exactly what my part in all of this was. I didn't leave out anything from my end. They ask about her side and I just say, yes she did things, but that's her deal. I want to work on this, just have no idea how.
She says I was not romantic in the least, too late for anything like that? I am trying to think of ways to be more of what she wants, but then I think why am I doing that at this time. Do I just need to be a better me? We both have history of mental illness in family, doesn't help things I am sure. But I don't want that to be a part on my end. I take AD's, have for a while, she tried some and went off and on them. I am having a hard time feeling good enough to keep trying, but know that at all cost I don't want to give up. I will continue to try and improve me, and look in the mirror for validation on why I can move forward.
I have to sell the house, in my name only, but it's hard to do. It's the last element of us. However, I know that old relationship is no more. I want to try a new version of openness and honesty, hopefully I get a chance. Tonight the kids wanted to call W, gave phone to them and they talked when done I just hung nothing from me. Is that a good thing? Trying to leave her alone and nothing since Friday dropping off kids.
