CSan - Filed, moving and life goes on....

[CS000]

Hi Sandi2, thank you so much for taking the time. I did read DR all the way through but to be honest, I thought well my sitch is different so did it half a$$ed. When I did a little of going dark, my H showed interest and I just ran with it like accepting most of his invitations, initiating contact, talking about my problems, relying on him and talking of the R. This has led to him going dark and us filing for a D last Friday. His PTSD is usually hard around the beginning of the year but he had some triggers that had to do with my past that he said is what led to him disconnecting. Also our kids got along great, it was our issues with each others kids that was a huge issue of how we disagreed on how we treated the each others kids. Not all the kids lived with us full time, my H kids came during the summer only. I also was in denial about my depression returning and I refused to get help my dosage increased and refused to go to MC when my H asked repeatedly. We also stopped spending quality time alone with each other and intimate. I thought I was projecting lovingly detachment but I was truly fooling myself because I was so scared of losing any kind of connection to my STBXH, I grasped onto any crumb from him. I do accept that this D is going to happen and he is seeking help for his issues as far as I know. I do know that he has said he needs to do this for himself and I have not respected his decision by being a constant presence or reminder of all the problems he could no longer handle. He would talk to me about things but he never took time for himself and I believe my STBXH's tendency to just take care of everything and me just allowing him put intense pressure on him with no breaks or help for him. I do see how I have tried to make him feel guilty with my words to him....crap! I want to smack the front of my head ...thwak! I have not taken time for myself as I used to work out but I have felt so exhausted between work, my kids especially my D 17 and cleaning and packing up our stuff that I have not done much for myself. I do want to set him free but having the hardest time doing it to be honest. Other than GAL and keep improving myself and my kids, I feel lost on what to do. I am going to re-read DR so i can really get it to sink in and practice it. I am in the process of looking at apartments for myself and my boys so we won't be a burden on my parents and so we can begin rebuilding on our own. I sincerely appreciate your input Sandi2 thank you and please stop by again as I need help navigating this situation.