Hi all - I haven't been here in a while, but this has been a great board for support, and I've learned a lot from everyone I've interacted with here. I'm hoping I can lean on you once again for your insight from those of you who know better than I do. I'll try to summarize what happened in the past leading up to now.
I had originally posted here about a year and a half ago - at the time, I had just confirmed suspicions that my H of 6 years (4 yrs then) had been having an affair which had been going on for a couple of weeks. He denied it, then got angry, then when it was obvious it was true, moved out / I kicked him out, (it kind of happened simultaneously with all the commotion). He tried to come back almost right away, saying how remorseful he felt and wondered if I'd ever take him back. Weeks later, we started to try again and he moved back in.
It was challenging, but from that time, we went to counseling for a while, he did tell me everything about the affair and cut off all contact with her. I felt like we got through it, and I've worked really hard to forgive him fully. I almost never bring it up at all (had a slip once or twice where I did, but it almost never comes up anymore). From what I've seen, he hasn't done it again. Our relationship has always followed a similar pattern - lots of support and love, really good solid connection and great times together, and then an upset where we both get angry and say things coming from a very hotheaded place - we haven't yet figured out how to navigate away from those type of fights.
My part is that once an argument starts and he gets snappy or mean, I won't back down, I don't let up and I exhaust him into shutting down or blowing up more. He gets angrier, shuts down and tells me to stop talking, which of course makes me stay and keep arguing. It's like once the anger flares up, neither of us will budge.
Last week it happened again. We were both really tired from our week, a stupid fight ensued, both of our tempers flared and he told me to leave him alone, he just needed space to relax. I wouldn't. We both told each other to "leave", I alluded to leaving him, he reacted, it got more escalated and eventually he just jumped up and took all of his things and started loading them into his truck. Angry, hurt and behaving like a jerk, I 'helped' him and began putting more of his things on the porch, which seemed to make him more angry. Eventually I thought better of it, and left it alone, heading off to bed. He stormed in after all his things were loaded and tossed the house keys on the bed.
I figured this was another grand display, and just did nothing, figuring I'd let things cool down. I assumed it would blow over in a few days and was hoping he'd come back. He texted me 2 days later to say he needed to come and drop off the dog again and get into his garage, and I left some small things I got for him out hanging on his garage door (my way of a peace offering). He didn't take the things I left, but drove away again to wherever he was going. I was worried about him and how he was doing, but figured it best to let him be, because I had done enough in the way of angering him, and I felt bad.
Because he can hold a long grudge where he won't speak to me, (he's done this a few times in our marriage) my normal routine is to reach out once I can't take it anymore, apologize, and be the one who worries about how he's feeling. Then it's usually my guilt that kicks in where he tells me how much I've hurt him and how he doesn't want to / can't continue to experience 'this' again. And I end up feeling like I'm the worst wife in the world.
The truth is that we've both hurt each other, he does things that are very painful for me when he's upset, and I've done things to hurt him by what I say. But for some reason, I always end up feeling as though I've done more damage, which is exactly what's happening again now.
We texted last night and I asked him if it was ok for me to cash a check he gave me for bills last week. He asked me not to, because he needed his money for his rent and "security deposit". I was surprised, because I assumed he was either staying with friends or maybe at a hotel, I didn't know he was looking for a place. I asked him to buzz me.
He called me right away, and essentially told me that he felt I had kicked him out, and that he didn't want to live in a way where he felt he didn't have a roof over his head, or a key. He said if it weren't for his 2 jobs, he could easily have been on the street, and he had spent over 1K in hotel bills already. I told him I had no idea he felt that I had kicked him out. Although we were both saying things like "why don't you leave then", and that I had been like a real jerk, that I would never in a million years leave him homeless, or kick him out on the street. This is something we've both said out of anger before in an argument. It was a stupid fight that I regretted. I apologized for the way I acted and told him that I was worried for him but figured he was just cooling down. I said I thought he would be coming home in a day or two, after he stayed with one of his friends, maybe. I never knew he was going through all of this, and that all I could tell him was that I cared about him and was wrong for behaving the way I did.
He told me that after a week of being homeless, he had a sort of awakening, and that his need for a stable place to live where no one could kick him out or take his keys felt greater than his desire for the relationship, the way he saw it right now. He said he was 45 years old, and exhausted from having to figure out where to go, what apartment he could get within the next two days with a dog, now that it had been a week of being out of the house. He didn't want to be having to deal with this, this was something he would've has to deal with when he was 20 or so. Now I was feeling more guilt.
I honestly felt and still feel terrible. Once again, I feel like no matter what he said or did, that I've trumped it all by making him feel insecure about his own house. Somehow I pushed him out, although I felt it was his choice to act that way. His behavior was abhorrent, but mine was 'worse'. I tried to let him know that regardless of what was said in the fight, I never thought he would move out, I figured he was being dramatic. I had felt hurt, and so I helped move some of his stuff outside, but then stopped when I saw it upset him more. I said that he knows my heart, and knows full well that I don't have that kind of malicious intent in me to put him out like that. I can sometimes be mean and a "b", but I would never do something that, truly. I honestly just didn't realize what he was going through.
He was quiet, and let me talk and apologize and explain my side of things. But it sounded like he was in a low place. We hung up with no real resolution, and I told him that he would have to decide what he wanted to do, I couldn't make his decision for him, but that I was sorry for giving him the impression that I really wanted him to leave. If he felt he was really done, than that was another thing altogether. But if not, to please just know that I had no idea he was seeing things this way, going through this with hotels, rent, etc.
An hour later, I texted him that he should keep the money, that I didn't need it, and that I had no idea he was going through all of that, that I felt terrible. I also let him know that we (the dogs and I) missed him, and that if he decided he wanted to come back home, I'd leave the back door open for him for when he got off work. He replied thanks, but that I should go ahead and lock it, because all of his stuff was at the hotel, so he'd be staying there. I didn't respond, I just felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and "what did I do".
So here it is the next day, and I've been wondering if I should just leave it alone now, or what? I re-read DR the other night and have tried to implement some of the things I can do for now, like GAL and leave him alone to figure it all out himself.
Ultimately whether he comes back or not, I do have more things I need to change for me. I'm not happy with the way I acted, and I'm kicking myself for not just walking away when things get heated each time. This would've never happened if I had just done that!
Half of me feels like he'll come back when he's ready, and the other half feels like I've really done it this time, and he's over it and me. I know he loves me immensely, but maybe I really ruined things?
I should mention that about a year ago he went through what appeared to be a MLC, with suddenly stopping talking to me for a month or two, not sleeping in the bed, taking off his ring, suddenly drinking and smoking pot nightly, behaving like someone I didn't know and then becoming depressed and withdrawn. I figured this was going to take years, and tried to brace myself. Little by slowly he came out of it but maybe he's still in it?
I'm sorry this is all over the place - I just don't know how to handle this. Act as if I'm moving on? Or is it too soon, and I should be open to him reaching out to me if he does?
