What did you take away from your last M that had a third party? I mean, are you repeating any old behavior patterns?
What are the 180's you are implementing ........besides helping around the house? And, if the two of you are not M and not living together and she's sleeping with OM.........why are you helping around her house? I hope you aren't expecting it to be a turn on for her......or that you are earning brownie points.
You mentioned a 180 in your interaction with her children. How many and what ages? Why the change now? Do you have a child together?
I would be careful about ultimatums. You seem to have a problem sticking to your decisions.
How many long term R's has she had?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
