Hi, I saw your invitation to look at your thread. I haven't read all the way through it, but just seeing how many teenagers you have between the two of you......OMG! I hope you take this in the right way, but having so many teens trying to live together under conditions they may or may not have wanted has got to be mind boggling.
I believe The Brady Bunch may have deceived some people, but I bet you could tell how it is in real life trying to combine two families. I have seen it up close and personal, and the M problems usually started over his & her kids. Just really....really tough stuff.
Everyone deserves another chance after the first M didn't work. Having children should not penalize those chances, but you all have a massive situation with this many teenagers. Do they live part time with the other parents?
If these two families are able to become one united, I think it would take a family therapist with experiences with large families (kids & step kids ). But first things first. I'm sure you have been told to read DR. Have you read it all the way through?
The more you show neediness toward your H, the further away he will get. He must feel a tremdous amount of pressure, as I am sure you do too. But I think men handle it differently than we do. We turn to them when we feel weak and want their stength to hold us together. But who does the H turn to when he feels pressured? He has to be the leader and basically responsible for his family (security, financially, protection, education, relationship, etc.). As a working mother, you have your own areas of stress, trying to be all things to all those you care about.
I think the stress, alone, could tear this family apart. If pressure/stress triggers his post tramadic issues, he may be trying to run for his life by escaping, IDK. He may not know how to deal with so many people at one time. He can't can't get rid of his own kids, but he sees you and your kids as more pressure and demands.........I would think.
I don't know what you do to relieve stress....or when you have time, but it is essential for your sanity and survival. Being good to yourself is not being selfish. What have you done for yourself? Not taking the meds you need is not helping anything. What's the real purpose of not taking your medicine? That's nuts!
You MUST stop contacting him. It is pressure! And pressure will not make him want to go back to you and the kids. The LBS wants to hold tighter to the WAS b/c of the fear they have in losing the S. It is the wrong action. He needs to feel free. It may take the D (and he seems to believe it will) in order to get the freedom he wants. Doesn't mean he no longer truly loves you down deep in his heart, he just can't cope and wants out. If your actions are trying to control, guilt, or punish him.......you have to stop it. It doesn't work.
When or if he hears/sees you, do not complain to him b/c that is more pressure and not attractive. You need to be self-confident and upbeat. Not giddy or silly, but just friendly and nice. Men say this is very attractive in women.
Accept the fact you may not be able to stop the D. He doesn't want this R. So don't try to confince him otherwise. He has to have time and work through enough issues to get to a place where he is willing to do what it takes to make this work......and get help.
Setting him free is not giving up. It is dropping the emotional rope you have around him. Are you woman enough to do it?
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
