Hi Bklyn! Just want to let you know something about girls when they get older, at least my kids. Mine are 14 and 18. Since my W went into her MLC world about 3 years ago, my youngest would have been 11 or 12. Right now with my W now filing for D, my girls know who has been there for them the last few years. My oldest is away at her first real job and has been gone about 2 weeks. She texts me every day and calls me often. She hardly ever does with my W.Last night she called late, just to talk (wow, that felt great!) and I had to ask her to talk to her mom who was in the same room and heard me on the call.
My 14 year old is so angry about the sitch but she also knows that I have really tried. When she needs to talk, it's me she comes to, not her mom. I encourage her to talk to her mom and never say a bad word. When she asks about something her mom does or why things aren't working I tell her that her mom is unhappy and is wanting that to change. That she loves her and it's not about her. My W on the other hand just for the first time last week said she thought D14 "may" suspect something is wrong in our marriage! How she can't see the pain in her own D is beyond me.
Both of them still act up now and again, their teenagers. But they are also old enough to know who cares about them. Who has been there while mom went awol. No one, especially the OW will ever be anywhere near as close to or important as you. You may not know it now but they do see that you are the one who will always be there no matter what. Keep being the great mom you are and sooner than you think, you will see just how much you mean to them. Who they want to share their lives with on a daily basis not just on the weekends. Believe me it feels great when you are the one who gets the call to share their joy or cry over their pain. I wish it was both their mom and I but that was her choice.
Keep on keeping on, Bklyn! You sound like you're doing great!
The girls & I are doing great. They are so amazing. Although I have come to Need my weekends without them just so I can get a break.
We are looking forward to an amazing summer when school gets out in 2 weeks. We are planning to spend a lot of time at my parents house in upstate NY and also have a 1 week beach vacation planned with extended family.
Things are frosty with my exH. As I continue to keep my side of the street clean it has become more and more glaring how crazy,distant & removed he is.
Last weekend which was exH weekend with the kids, exH parents came for a unexpected visit. It was also my D4 dance recital. She was amazing!! exH, kids and his parents and I all walked back to my house together. During that 10 minute walk it was just so glaring how normal I was and how strange my exH was.
My exH is so high functioning - very successful at work and he is quiet, so it was hard at the beginning to see his distress, and that made me feel like everyone must believe him that I am a crazy B!tch. Even I believed him.
Now as time goes on and my exH continues to make selfish and self centered decisions with no regard to his kids, i.e. wanting to move to manhattan, taking more work out of state. I feel like even his parents are starting to see that he has a problem.
Its important for me to write about this stuff because I truly believed for so long that this was all my fault. I was a bad wife and a bad woman. That is so far from the truth.
It was funny a woman asked me after an Alanon meeting the other night if my exH was still active and I wanted to say "Oh no he's not an alcoholic" but I caught myself and just said "yes"
Life is good!
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I'm sure you and the kids will have a wonderful summer and I'm sure everyone will enjoy the beach. Glad to read that everything went okay at D4's recital. I'm sure she looked beautiful and did very well. I hope you took photos!
No, it was never you and I'm glad you've finally come to realize that. You are far more grounded than he is and you have begun to move forward and find your way again.
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am really glad I read your post today. I have been struggling with being concerned that people believe I am a crazy bit##. My mind knows it doesn't matter what other people think but still....
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
You sound like you are doing well and have a fun summer planned. They do have a way of making us sound like a 3rd world dictator don't they ?:).
Yes, your M had issues. Everyone's does. But I'm glad you figured out it's him not you. You have made changes that make you a better person and that's great. Your h may or may not make changes. Only time will tell on that.
Keep up all the good work!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Xh emailed me that he is moving to manhattan by July 1. He does not say upfront that he is moving in with gf but I know that's the case and he also gave me his new address which is her address.
I am so sad for my girls. He will be 45 mins to an hr from us and never be available to take them to school or pick them up. He is making his absence from their lives so permanent.
I hate him
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
For me, I hate, hate, hate what COULD be for my girls. But, the reality is that their dad is in no condition to parent them right now. He is selfish, self-involved, self-centered and Self Will Run Riot.
If he WAS present in their lives consistently, I'm not sure that it wouldn't cause them MORE pain and destruction...at this point.
I'm sorry for your pain. I know this isn't what you wanted for your two precious girls and it's so far from what they deserve from a dad.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
One other thought...I know this isn't what we all dream about when we first hold them in our arms...but...
I was raised by a dad that sounds a lot like your ExH. My dad is very full of himself and always drives around in the latest Ferrari to feed his ego.
I spent last weekend with my sister. There were things I saw that I felt sad about. My sister runs herself ragged while my BIL is treated like a King. He gets to go and do whatever he wants...and spend whatever he wants, while my sister works like a dog to keep up with the kids and her job and everything else. She neglects herself and builds him up. She doesn't see it.
When you ask my sister, "Are you OK?"...when it's obvious she is stressed...her response is, "I'm fine."
My anger towards my dad after his affairs and treatment of my mom gave me the space I needed from my dad over the years.
My sister, on the other hand, saw him like clockwork. Every other weekend with phone calls in between. He was very available to her in the sense that he was present physically and he was consistent. I appreciate now how my dad honored that commitment and he lived two hours away.
At the same time...I was just discussing this with D20 in fact...this meant my sister HAD to deal with my dad. I didn't.
My dad is a very sexist, full-of-himself kinda guy.
At 45, I still have a hard time speaking my own truth to my dad. He is a very intimidating kinda guy. My sister, on the other hand, she just agrees and NEVER, EVER gets angry.
Some distance from your ExH may be God's way of giving them some space to become the girls HE (God) intends, minus the overbearing stuff they will need to face during the time they do get with him.
Look at the facts. Your ExH is a D-Bag. Your dream was NEVER to have your girls raised by a D-Bag. Yes, it's sad...but, maybe it's your HP's way of taking care of those awesome little girls??
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
